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CO2 shortage proves there’s no global warming, say morons
Angry people across the UK have lifted their knuckles from the ground and demanded answers as to why there is apparently a shortage of carbon dioxide for drinks plants, when scientists and other lefties have been telling them for years that the world is getting hotter because there is too much of it.
‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Nigel Walker, two arms and a penis from Chelmsford. ‘The barman at the Fox & Geese tells us last night they’re going to run out of lager by the weekend if they don’t get some more of this CO-whatsit stuff delivered. Then all these ‘so-called experts’ are saying there’s more in the air than ever before. Someone’s got to be lying – stands to sense, dunnit?’
Manufacturers have warned that both beer and lemonade could be in short supply, leading to panic buying among World Cup watchers who fear that they may otherwise be reduced to drinking real ale and forcing the kids to have water. Many are angry that this is happening on the hottest day of the year so far, when carbon dioxide levels should be the highest if those ivory tower boffins had any common sense.
Professor Geoffrey Roberts of the University of York said: ‘Let’s do this slowly. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is completely separate from pressurised carbon dioxide, which is currently in short supply because of factory maintenance shutdowns and a peak in demand, which has … no, actually let’s not bother. Life’s too short.’
‘Tell you what, if you want to make your own, put a hose on the end of your car exhaust and sit inside it with the engine running. It smells lovely too. Strictly speaking that’s carbon monoxide but there’s only one oxygen atom’s difference and let’s face it, most people in Britain are oxygen thieves anyway.’
Categories: Fake News
Complete banker now in charge of the NHS
Categories: Fake News
Government credibility found in a Kent bus shelter
A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.
‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’
After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.
A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.
‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’
‘The Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’
‘Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’
Categories: Fake News
If Blakey finds out we’ve lost the MoD Documents Jack we’ll be for the High Jump
Categories: Fake News
Prostitutes dismayed at missing out on honours list again
The hardest working sector of trade and industry has once again been overlooked in the Queen’s honours list. Representatives of horizontal dance groups and other angles have expressed bitter dismay at once again not being considered for even an entry level MBE.
Strictly Dominatrix from Slough said, “During the last couple of years, we have been the hardest hit. I mean, our industry has had no support, and it’s not like furlough has been laid on a table in front of us. We are front line essential key workers like any others, but we were offered no personal protection equipment, and not even a bump up the jab list.”
“Our members have been risking it all out there on the streets, but we haven’t had one peep of recognition for what we do. We had high hopes that our hardest working girl, Pumpy Breasticles, was going to be honoured for services to services, but she has been let down again.”
“Our assets have been stripped bare, and we’re clinging on tightly like our lives depend on it. That’s despite the fact some of our girls and boys are better connected than Newmarket pub landlords. Phillippa Phuckingham-Phallus regularly tends to the needs of royalty, and Stiffy McWhip has had half of the Government Cabinet. Sometimes in actual cabinets. But absolutely nothing for any of us. It’s a real slap in the face.”
Categories: Fake News
Cameron and Clegg to form ‘sorry duet’
Agents for David Cameron and Nick Clegg have announced today that the talented pair of apologists will form a ‘duet’ to delight their fans with harmonised atonements and excuses. The pair are tipped to top the charts with such classics as, ‘Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word’, ‘Careless Whispers’ and ‘A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You’ by the Monkees.
The talented pair were convinced to put their solo singing careers to one side, after delighted fans overheard David Cameron rehearsing an old favourite by Dead or Alive; ‘you spin me right round (like a record, baby)’, with Clegg backing lustily in the House of Commons toilets. The Chief Whip admitted the pair had some artistic differences, but that they were made to be together. ‘We have been trying to convince them to sing from the same hymn sheet for ages now. They have a huge fanbase, particularly among Labour back benchers’.
The coalition faithful are speculating wildly about the stage name the pair will play under, with ‘No Direction,’ ‘The New Jonas Brothers’, ‘So Busted’ and ‘Colour me Blue’ all being touted as favourites.
Categories: Fake News
Matt Hancock leaves to standing ovation from grateful nation for job well done
Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.
Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.
Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.
There’s not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn’t already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.
His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of ‘why Hancock is a palm penis’ for just the seven hours.
Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?
Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, “Fuck off, Hancock.”
But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:
“Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, ‘No, my cheese.’
Categories: Fake News
Jacob Rees-Mogg defends Hancock’s right to have a tryst with his leman. More soon
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Adultery removed from Ten Commandments. Violation of Social Distancing added. More soon
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Smutty innuendos about Hancock’s name ‘In poor taste’ says Cummings. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Hancock: ‘hands, face, space’ to be replaced with ‘snog, grope, apologise’
Health secretary Matt Hancock has today announced the current ‘Hands, Face, Space’ campaign will be scrapped in favour of an edgier and more popular slogan : ‘Snog, Grope, Apologise’.
This latest development, signalling the next step on the lockdown roadmap, has been met with a swell of support amongst Tory members.
Boris Johnson is reportedly ‘delighted’ and will be doing his very best to abide by the advice: ‘We are urging the public to have a good old fumble and canoodle – especially extramarital groping with colleagues or acquaintances. But we must be clear – people are to do so ‘with caution’. Because, as always, it isn’t our fault if it goes tits up…pun fully intended’.
Hancock has been ‘leading from the front’ having already accosted a nearby aide for a vomit-inducing snog and grope combo. He then swiftly moved on to step three – issuing a heartfelt apology to his ‘true love’ his ‘soulmate’ – Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Matt Hancock’s wife is reportedly working on her own campaign slogan, containing words such as ‘cheating’ ‘bastard’ ‘and ‘divorce’.
Categories: Fake News
London emergency services practice for Murray exit
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UK’s capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion ‘choking in the quarter finals’.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to ‘taser on sight’ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
Currently Britain is on a heightened state of alert, should Murray stumble, with all prep-schools on suicide watch. This staged event comes only days after England’s men crashed out of the Euro U-21 championship, which resulted in the disturbing sight of Gareth Southgate being ‘mildly nonplussed’.
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police tried to allay fears: ‘Should Wimbledon descend into chaos, at least none of the crowd have actual meaningful day jobs. Which is why they can be swilling champagne on a week day’.
Codenamed ‘It’s just for toffs’, members of the Fire Brigade will cut out any of the crowd trapped by their tiny wooden seats. A Home Office spokesman said: ‘I want to reassure the public and any frightened ball boys, that TV channels will show blanket coverage of Tim Henman’s career. The public need to understand that defeat is just normal. We have planned for every conceivable type of incident – including Cliff Richard’.
The public have been told to be extra vigilant on the Underground and to report anyone wearing suspicious all-white clothing, a Saltire on their face or ‘I love Andy’ in marker-pen on their chest. Likewise, Ambulance services will be on hand to treat those injured by shrapnel if Judy Murray explodes.
Categories: Fake News
Hancock leaks photo to keep job
Ill-Health Secretary Matt Hancock has sneakily leaked a photo of himself snogging a girl. Eugh. An actual girl. “I didn’t really want to, but the big boys told me to do it. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, but I hope Boris sees it because then he might let me stay and play.”
Prime Minister Boris Johnsonthing responded, “I said that Mr. Hopelessfucker was in want of damn good sacking, not a damn good shagging. Why do people always mishear and misunderstand what I say? Now, my perfect Sunday is when I pop round to Gyles Brandreth’s house and he shows me his collection of teddies. Hoy, did I say perfect Sunday? No that would be a terrible nightmare of a Sunday. We all have our cross toy bear. No, but I would though. And he has a marvellous collection of swine corpses as well. Obviously, I didn’t say swine corpses, I said decapitated voters. Think I might shag Hancock later. Or maybe I’ll sack him? One or the other. Or maybe neither. What pandemic? Now where’s my toy bus that I made?”
Stepping in to clarify, Secretary for Something or Other Liz Truss confirmed, “No Conservative Party rules have been broken. Fuck an aide, and you’re a player. Fuck an entire country and they give you a Lordship. That’s the way we roll. That’s the way we’ve always rolled. Now that’s how you open up a pork market. Boom! Truss out.”
An official statement from Downing Street said the Prime Minister has accepted Matt Hancock’s apology for breaching social distancing guidelines and “considers the matter just about sleazy enough.”
Categories: Fake News
EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously
The new deal announced today, filling a £68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome £1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson ‘exactly what we promised you – less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.’
The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss’ CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. ‘With skills like hers we can’t afford to squander the opportunities she creates,’ said an envious EU trade expert. ‘She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don’t count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.
A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. ‘I’ve seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something – anything – remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,’ he added.
Categories: Fake News
