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Only those that can’t afford to quarantine will have to quarantine
If you can easily afford the extra costs of quarantining when entering the UK from abroad then you will no longer be required to quarantine under new government rules.
‘The exception is extremely limited,” a government spokesperson said. “If you are a millionaire who can afford to fly first class to the UK, the costs of a five-star hotel to quarantine in and your own Covid tests, as well as be having enough in the bank not to worry about needing to get to work for ten days, then – and only then – you are welcome to enter the country without quarantining. Oh, or if you are football VIP then it is OK too.’
Those who are not able to afford these extra costs will be required to quarantine, in rules which the government described as being all about “the economy and generating wealth”.
‘These very wealthy people are very good at generating wealth and it is important for our political donations… I mean the economy, that we allow them to continue to accumulate their riches,’ the spokesperson added. ‘That is to say that if you already don’t have enough to cover quarantine costs then it is highly unlikely that you will become super-wealthy any time soon, so aren’t really able to help with urgent economic costs, such as the redecoration of 10 Downing Street.’
Multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak is said to have wholeheartedly backed the idea and said it will help everybody he could think of. ‘I can’t imagine not being able to afford these costs,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
Raab’s mobile number online for decade, but no-one’s called it
Over-promoted traffic cone, Dominic Raab, has admitted that his mobile number has been freely available on several websites. Despite that, no-one’s ever chosen to call it.
‘I do get some calls,’ insisted the Foreign Secretary, ‘and they’re not all wrong numbers. Only the other day someone called to enquire whether I’d ever been mis-sold PPI. During the following 30 minutes, I explained that it had indeed happened but as I’d insisted on buying it even though they told me I didn’t need it, that didn’t count. Still, it was an enjoyable conversation until he begged me to hang-up.’
Categories: Fake News
Furlough scheme to be replaced with ‘hopes and prayers’
More than a million workers are expected to lose their subsidized pay and instead be expected to be renumerated with gold coins, found at the end of a rainbow. Employers have been told they need to make up any shortfall, using unicorn tears and parts of The Maltese Falcon.
A spokeswoman for Works & Pensions explained: ‘Applicants just need to track down King Pellinore’s Questing Beast for the form, get it counter-signed by the Loch Ness Monster and Amelia Earhart’. All correspondence should be addressed to Narnia.
‘Over the years we have found that hopes and prayers are more effective than any meaningful action. Those on low pay can apply to receive the circles, that you find, in the windmills of your mind.’
One worker said: ‘I was told there was good news and bad news. The bad news was, I was being paid with thin air. The good news was, there was lots of it’.
Categories: Fake News
Prisoners to be released through new HMP Gift Shops
In a new effort to rebalance the public finances, Home Secretary Theresa May has announced that prisoners reaching the end of their sentence in UK jails will no longer be released straight onto the streets, but will instead leave prison through a new HM Prisons Gift Shop.
‘The idea came to us during a Cabinet teambuilding trip to Alton Towers,’ May said. ‘We were all waiting for Nick Clegg to get off the teacups when Ken Clarke noticed that the exit took you straight through the gift shop, where you were pretty much guaranteed to spend money on overpriced tat. Cleggers came out with three teddy bears, a t-shirt that proclaimed ‘I took on the teacups – and won!’ and an oversized Alton Towers pencil.’
The scheme uses the principles of the captive market that have been used by entertainment venues for some time. Phil Taylor, the governor of Wormwood Scrubs, insisted that this is the perfect model for a prison. ‘You don’t get much more captive than jail,’ he explained. ‘Well, apart from Pentonville. Anyway, the only issue we had during trials was the lack of available cash the inmates have, so we do accept prison currency as well. Last week we took some tobacco, a Playstation, and half a kilo of cocaine.’
However, critics of the scheme have likened the HMP Gift Shop scheme to ‘extortion’. Human rights campaigner Shami Chakrabarti complained: ‘Selling overpriced gifts to remind people of their extended visits is one thing, but selling souvenir photos from the showers for £10.50 is an expensive way to breach their human rights. It may be the only ride they have, but that doesn’t make it right.’
Criticism has also come from former prisoners. Robert Goods, who has just served six months for shoplifting, described his experience. ‘I was given my belongings in a bag in one hand, and an empty shopping basket in the other. The prices of the items was so expensive it was criminal. I don’t know how they sleep at night, they should be locked up. That said, as a persistent offender, I am glad they started giving Nectar points. Three more stretches and I’ll have enough points for a weekend at Center Parcs.’
Prime Minister David Cameron has backed the plans and said he thinks the experience for prisoners will be a positive one. ‘Not only are they being released from prison, but they also get the chance to spend money and help the economy,’ he told a press conference. ‘And as someone with close friends from News International and the banking sector, I know they’ll welcome the chance to remember their sentences.’
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Monthly Podcast (June 2021)
Enjoy our June Podcast. You can catch it on…
Spotify: Spotify
Youtube: YouTube
document.createElement('video'); http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/soundbite.mp4
Categories: Fake News
Gap to leave a gap on the high street
Categories: Fake News
Lord Haw-Haw to be the exciting new face of GB News
Legendary wartime broadcaster Lord Haw-Haw has been recruited as a presenter on GB News in a bid to bolster its flagging ratings.
‘I am sure everyone will enjoy a nightly hate-filled ramble presented by a pseudo-aristocratic drunkard,’ said chairman of GB News, Andrew Neil.
‘Lord Haw-Haw will broadcast his rants from a dark cellar in Hamburg on a barely audible, short-wave radio frequency. In that respect, it will be quite similar to the show I put on in that sinister, black-walled bunker which I use as a studio.’
GB News has released a pilot episode of the show that they plan to call ‘Lord Haw-Haw’s Hoo-Hah’.
‘The people of England will curse themselves for having preferred ruin under Boris Johnson to peace under Ursula von der Leyen,” Haw-Haw slurs. “There is only one solution. Submit to the will of your masters in Berlin!’
Said Andrew Neil: ‘Our regular viewers – Sid and Ethel Barking from Penge – might think Lord Haw-Haw is a bit too much of a europhile, given that he bangs on so much about the unification of the continent under an Aryan super race. But I think they will warm to his moderate conservative views about the need to imprison deviants and make the trains run on time.’
The traitor Lord Haw-Haw, whose real name is William Joyce, was arrested by British military authorities on the German-Danish border in 1945 and brought back to the UK. Since then, he has been making a steady living by ghost-writing opinion columns for the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph.
Categories: Fake News
Rumsfeld ‘Doublespeak’ death mystery
Conspiracy theorists are mystified as to the cause of the demise of US diplomat Donald Rumsfeld. They are demanding to know if he died of something we do know about, or do not know about. Or was it that he didn’t die of something we do know about or something that we do not know about?
One leading theorist commented: ‘There are things we know we know. But we also know there are known unknowns. So for all that I know, then who knows?’
medparry
Categories: Fake News
Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash
A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail. Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to ‘within an inch of its life’ before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.
Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: ‘If it hadn’t been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly ‘resealable’ pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.
The worst part is that he didn’t realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn’t have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste – it was the expensive stuff too’.
Categories: Fake News
Jeremy Kyle fails to sort out Henry VIII’s love life
TV host Jeremy Kyle has admitted defeat in his bold attempt to distract Tudor monarch Henry VIII from his bid to divorce his middle-aged wife and overthrow the authority of the Papacy. The episode, entitled ‘You Had Sex With My Dead Brother, You Slag, Now God Won’t Give Me Any Sons’, is due to be aired next Wednesday.
Spanish-born Cath had contacted the show, complaining that Henry had left her for a much younger strumpet after nearly 20 years of marriage, because she had originally married his older brother Arthur, who died a few weeks later. Henry had thought this had caused their marriage to be cursed by the Almighty.
‘He finks I shagged Arthur to death but he never touched me,’ Cath told the show. ‘I’m like, 100% I’ll pass the lie detector. And if you ain’t married to me proper, why do you still come in stately procession to my chamber at least once a month? It’s cos that flat-chested [BLEEP] you’ve been after since 1526 ain’t giving you any, innit?’
Confronted by a hostile Kyle, Henry was immediately on the defensive. ‘My mate Wolsey who was a cardinal said that verse in Leviticus – shut the [BLEEP] up – means you can’t have sons if you marry your dead brother’s wife. You can [BLEEP] ask him. Well you can’t, cos he died on the way back from York to get beheaded for cocking the annulment up but he, like, totally said that,’ the enraged king told the studio audience.
Jeers and calls of ‘Whore!’ erupted as Henry’s new girlfriend Anne strutted onto the stage, flashing her French learning at Cath, who had to be restrained from punching her in the stomacher. After a few summary floggings, order was restored and Kyle revealed that the lie detector test proved Cath to be telling the truth. However, Henry defiantly said that his new mates Cromwell and Cranmer were going to sort it and those [BLEEP] Fisher and More had better not piss him off any worse or the monasteries would totally get done.
‘Sometimes I can’t make people do the right thing,’ Kyle concluded. ‘You go that way,’ he told the sobbing Cath, ‘and our team will help you find a nice nunnery. You two go the other way and Anne, love, don’t lose your head over him, he’s not worth it. Next up, it’s Robert from Leicester, who will ask Liz why she won’t marry him now he’s had his first wife killed by throwing her down the stairs.’
Categories: Fake News
Chaos and confusion as Matt Hancock attends cabinet meeting
In a leaked transcript of the latest Tory Cabinet meeting, it appears chaos and confusion ensued when ministers found Matt Hancock already seated at the table, despite him resigning last week
‘Hi guys,’ he said to his dumbfounded former colleagues. ‘God, it’s great to be back. That break was just what I needed, but here I am refreshed and ready to tackle this ruddy pandemic, if you’ll pardon my French!’
Silence fell on the room, as Mr Hancock continued to grin and look desperately at the Prime Minister.
It was Michael Gove who broke the silence, saying: ‘But, Matt, you resigned as a minister, you resigned from the Cabinet.’
‘Oh, that! Well, it’s been a fair few days now, surely that whole affair has blown over now, no pun intended,” Mr Hancock said. “I mean it’s not as though you had to sack me, not really. And Boris, you said in your letter that my contribution to public service was far from over.’
The entire Cabinet turned to Boris Johnson. ‘Well? What do you think big man? Rishi Sunak asked.
Mr Johnson responded by saying: ‘Oh, err, crikey,’ before going on to repeat a number of comments about the vaccine rollout and Latin phrases.
Sajid Javid reportedly lost his cool at this point. ‘Oh for god’s sake! I had to wait over a year to come back to the front bench,’ he shouted. ‘Are you seriously thinking of letting this moron back in after just a week? I resigned on principle, he resigned as he had become a bloody laughing stock.’
‘Steady on Saj, no hard feelings,’ said Hancock.
What Mr Javid said in reply has not been redacted but led to him being physically restrained by Dominic Raab. ‘Leave it, he’s not worth it Saj,’ Mr Raab said, as at the same time Gavin Williamson and Robert Jendrick stood in front of Hancock and told Javid ‘he would have to come through us first.’ The rest of the Cabinet took sides and began squaring off and shouting at each other.
‘Enough, Priti Patel said very quietly, and despite the shouting she was immediately heard. All members of the Cabinet instantly froze.
Mrs Patel led Mr Hancock into the corner and whispered some unknown words into his ear whilst making a few hand gestures. ‘Am I understood?’ she asked at the end, and a terrified Mr Hancock nodded quickly before collecting his things and scurrying out of the room.
The meeting then resumed and took its normal self-congratulatory course.
Mr Hancock’s current whereabouts are unknown.
Categories: Fake News
