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‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories
Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.
A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can’t just say you don’t like black people. That’s racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That’s populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’
‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.
‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’
Categories: Fake News
‘Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?’ says Met Police
“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.
“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.
“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?
“I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day – on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.
“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.
“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”
Categories: Fake News
Virgin Galactic Flight Delay Leads To Expensive KitKat Purchase
Viewing the departure board at his space rocket station Richard Branson’s heart sank as he saw it was delayed. A man stood next to him, said: ‘This is typical mate, better make yourself comfortable, and even when it does turn up don’t expect to get a seat, and the buffet will probably be shut for your leg of the journey too’.
Branson sat on the cold metal bench and stared listlessly at the board. He looked around for a reliable source of information about the cause of the delay but there were just some pigeons. His stomach rumbled. He overheard a man on the next bench phoning a friend to say he’d be late because Virgin can’t get from Reading to Coventry on time.
The friend replied that Virgin Trains stopped operating in 2019, but there were lots of passengers still standing at stations who hadn’t realised yet and thought it was just the standard delays.
Branson went to the vending machine and spent £1 on a chunky KitKat, leading him to reflect he could have had a pack of four from B&M for that price but since he made £306 million from his trains he wasn’t bothered by his costly chocolate purchase.
Photo: hpgruesen/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Worst performing motorway services to trial prostitution
In a bid to improve customer satisfaction ratings the lowest performing motorway services have been given the green light to turn on the red light.
A minister in the Department for Transport’s back office explained: ‘A recent survey highlighted disparities in the level of service provided by motorway services. We’ve created special ‘comfort’ zones at services that aren’t subject to regular trading laws. It’s similar to being served alcohol at 6am at the airport, only instead of a Harvey, it’ll be a Heston Wallbanger.’
It’s hoped that by providing executive relief to drivers, the knock-on effect of a relaxed state of mind will reduce instances of aggressive driving behaviour and provide a safer and more courteous motorway experience. Services have also been given permission to utilise matrix signs to entice customers, with these messages due to be displayed: ‘Fantasising whilst driving puts imaginary lives in danger. Pull in after next junction’, ‘Long journey and partner asleep? Keep your motor running until next exit’ and ‘Clockweights like cantaloupes? Servicing in 4 miles’.
Categories: Fake News
Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes
Even as a nation’s tears flowed, following England’s defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it’s not all bad news.
Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.
A spokesman for the company said: ‘Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.’
It’s understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.
‘This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,’ said the boss. ‘There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn’t modern sport truly wonderful?’
In related news, it’s been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.
Categories: Fake News
Dinosaurs to make comeback tour
After an absence from public life of over 60 million years, Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus could be roaming the country again soon for a limited period. Celebrity publicist Ed Masp, who claims he has represented many extinct species in the past, promises the comeback will be spectacular, including such acts as ripping trees up by the roots and squashing a Ford Mondeo with a tap of the foot.
However, there are already serious health and safety concerns about letting gigantic reptiles run amok for entertainment purposes. Jeremy Pardloe of the Dinosaur Vigilance Society explains: “We are strongly urging insurance companies to refuse to cover this extravaganza. These are five-ton reptiles with brains weighing only three ounces, a brain to body mass ratio matched only by reality TV stars”.
“In fact”, adds Mr Pardloe, “the Mesozoic Era had an appalling record for health and safety, and dinosaurs must shoulder some of the blame. How do you think all the continents got ripped apart from each other?”
Categories: Fake News
COVID beaten, PM confirms
Thanks to Britain’s world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.
Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.
‘We’ve seen it off and that’s an end to it once and for all. We’ve tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.’, the PM is thought to have said.
‘It certainly won’t be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre’, he continued. ‘But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that’s highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won’t have been following our latest and most excellent advice.’
Categories: Fake News
Met Police launches new recruitment drive aimed at divorced alcoholic mavericks
The Met Police has defended a new recruitment advertising campaign which targets alcoholics, divorcees, misfits, mavericks and veterans of unpopular military campaigns that the public didn’t really understand.
In an unprecedented campaign, adverts have appeared on the side of can of Tennents Extra, on notice boards in reception at firms of family lawyers and divorce courts and psychiatrists have been recruited to recommend any patients displaying signs of autism, obsession or post traumatic stress disorder.
‘We particularly welcome applications from the maverick community, who are underrepresented in the Metropolitan Police,’ said chief commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, ‘If your marriage is on the rocks, if you have a drink problem and if you have got a hunch, my message to you is this. We will find you and we will hire you.’
Each maverick may be given a side-kick who will be able to cover the maverick’s arse in a variety of ways. The side-kicks have been trained to make up alibis, do the paperwork, accompany the maverick to the pub and assist in interrogations.
Home Office efficiency targets have meant that by the book policemen who come from stable homes with a life-partner and children are becoming seen as more and more of an expensive luxury. ‘In the past the safe copper who filled in paper work, turned up to do a 9 to 5, and didn’t sleep in his car in a puddle of vomit whilst starring at pictures of old loved ones, where exactly what the MET were looking for’ explained head of HR Lucy Thorton, ‘But we all know such pen pushers are there to make us look good, the acceptable face of modern policing, but goddammit we need results.’
Thumping the table to emphasise the point Thorton reasoned that ‘if it means that we have to turn to socially unstable winos who can stitch up a few weak member of society as some sort of redemption for their own relationship failings then by God I’m prepared to take that risk. Maybe that makes me a bad head of HR. Maybe it just means I hate crime that little bit more than others.’
The MET have also toyed with the idea of pairing wild maverick cops with other wild maverick cops instead of the traditional maverick-straight laced cop combination favoured since the times of Robert Peel. ‘Just think how much more fun it’ll be watching Police Camera Action with 2 out of control men going through a mid life breakdown before your eyes, firing wildly into the night sky and shouting the names of their ex-wives between uncontrollable sobs’ figured hapless Mayor of London Boris Johnson. ‘It’s a win-win’.
ronseal & thisisall1word
Categories: Fake News
Virgin Galactic bus replacement service ‘ready to go’
Virgin Galactic has said a bus replacement service is ready should there be any problems with the flight scheduled to take Virgin representatives and Richard Branson to the edge of space.
‘As with the West Coast route, we appreciate that there may be issues on the day ranging from wrong beard in the cabin to the wrong kind of stratosphere,’ said a Virgin spokesman today.
Most rocket experts believe the flight will take place regardless, but fully expect the toilet door to remain open for most of the flight.
Categories: Fake News
Some tennis thing. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Euroexit means Euroexit.
Categories: Fake News
“England football team? Never heard of that bunch of losers” backtracks Boris.
Categories: Fake News
South China Sea extended to include Antarctic penguins
After China constructed a military airbase in Antarctica under the watchful eyes of a colony of chinstrap penguins, Foreign Minister Wang Yi rejected suggestions China was militarizing the icy continent. ‘China has always owned Antarctica. We have a map from 1947 with 90 dashes on it, the dashes go all the way round. And as early as the 13th century we were sending researchers there in ocean-going junks to investigate the climate,’ he said.
Boris Johnson and Australian Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing released a joint statement rejecting this claim, saying the 90 dashes are labelled ‘Antarctic Circle’ on their map. Meanwhile, former President Trump called the claims of ancient research voyages were ‘junk Science’. ‘America has a scientific base down there, it’s the biggest, and we haven’t fond any traces of climate. These claims that Galactica has a climate are designed to replace American workers with penguins. They can’t stand.’
Dagular
Categories: Fake News
Football calls ahead and asks you to pop the kettle on
Football has phoned and asked if you wouldn’t mind putting the kettle on, as it’s nearly home and hasn’t had a proper cup of tea for over 50 years. If there are any hobnobs in the cupboard it would like a couple of those too if it’s not too much trouble.
Since last coming home in the 1966, football has travelled extensively, including extended spells in South America visiting Brazil and Argentina. It almost came home in 1990 and again in 1996, but both times made late decisions to go to Germany instead, where it spends so much time it has actually bought a second house.
A planned trip home in 2018 was also changed at late notice. Still upset about the country voting to leave the EU, football decided to go and spend some more time in France while freedom of movement was not a concern.
While a cup of tea and a biscuit would be lovely if football does come home, don’t go so far as to plan dinner around it, as there is a chance it will decide to pop over to Italy for a few years instead.
Categories: Fake News
Paris Hilton spotted with Syrian migrant in handbag
Syrian migrants are set to become this years ‘must have’ accessory, after socialite Paris Hilton was photographed leaving an exclusive Munich fashion store with a desperate refugee clinging to her Louis Vuitton Kusama Pumpkin handbag.
It is believed that the glamorous heiress picked up the young person, said to have travelled to Europe from war-torn Aleppo, after seeing his plight on television. ‘Paris had accidentally clicked on CNN while channel surfing,’ revealed a friend, ‘when she saw these poor people trying to catch some train to Germany. Y’know she’s got a big heart and was truly moved by what she saw, so she flew over and bought one. Everyone’s making such a big deal about caring for these guys, but she’s the only one who’s actually doing something about it.’
Fashionistas eager to emulate their millionaire heroine are now flocking to mainland Europe to bag themselves a migrant. Dozens of WAGs, pop stars and glamour models have been papped outside London’s exclusive Chinawhite nightclub with a bewildered immigrant in tow. While a Syrian refugee may go for thousands of dollars in Mayfair, these haute couture accessories have also been quick to filter down into the high street, with Dorothy Perkins currently advertising a range of Eritrean migrants for as little as £500.
Categories: Fake News
