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Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate
Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.
A government spokestosser confirmed, “Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn’t do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.
“Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn’t happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is ‘doing a Gove’. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.”
In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.
Categories: Fake News
Public urged to count butterflies to distract from the Covid numbers
Naturalist Chris Packham has asked TV viewers to look the other way, put their fingers in their ears, while the UK records 50,000 new coronavirus cases, in one day. Rather than focus on doom and gloom, he has asked us to frolic through fields, towards the sunlit uplands of the Blue Remembered Hills, of Yesteryore.
A spokeswoman for the Big Butterfly Count said: ‘Concentrate on all the pretty colours. A delicate butterfly. That’s it. Lovely. Go to your happy place. Oh, look a rainbow! Whiskers on kittens. Marmalade on toast. Breath in. Breath out’.
The group were quick to emphasis that we should not be counting moths, as ‘no one likes them’. Instead, if we just keep counting the sheep, I mean butterflies, we will soon drift off into a peaceful sleep, as opposed to Covid’s eternal rest.
‘Just enjoy the butterflies and ignore the Covid. The beautiful butterflies…which, incidentally, are all dying out due to climate change’.
Categories: Fake News
Columbo guilty after LAPD concludes historical misconduct enquiry
A long-running investigation into misconduct at the Los Angeles Police Department finally concluded yesterday, delivering a damning verdict on Lieutenant Columbo, chief homicide investigator with the force from 1968 to 2003. In a period that saw an unprecedented rise in carefully pre-meditated murders of family members and business partners in the city, Columbo had enjoyed a 100 per cent conviction rate, putting away a remarkable 69 murderers with his legendary ability to solve complex cases in around 73 minutes (rising to 90 in the ABC years).
‘Columbo was a renegade cop, pure and simple, who rode roughshod over all principles of good policing,’ announced Chief Commissioner John Finnegan, who headed up the enquiry. ‘Harassment of suspects on 69 occasions. 37 cases of entrapment. Contamination of crime scenes with cigar smoke and dirt from that infested jacket. The list goes on and on.’
The enquiry resulted in dozens of victims coming forward, notably Patrick McGoohan, William Shatner and Jack Cassidy, who described intimidation by Columbo on an industrial scale. McGoohan was pestered by the grubby detective four separate times. ‘I kept changing occupations to try and evade Columbo, albeit always typecast as an ice cool murderer with a grudging respect for a clever adversary, obviously’ revealed McGoohan.
The investigation also revealed thousands of infringements of the standard US police show formula, including excessive reliance on the ‘reverse whodunnit’ and a complete refusal to include any bread and butter ‘detective-procedural’ filler scenes. One LA Medical Examiner during the 1970s, Quincy, described how Columbo would stubbornly refuse to retch and faint at the sight of a dead body on the slab, in direct contravention of forensic pathology TV series regulations. Retired LA Private Investigator Jim Rockford was also critical. ‘In 1974, it might have been okay to rely on ‘last number redial’ as the only hard piece of evidence against a criminal, but to use that in 14 different episodes?’ noted Rockford, shaking his head. ‘I compiled literally hundreds of instances of him continuing to question a suspect after formally concluding an interview. ‘Just one more thing?’ mimicked Rockford. ‘If only that was the case.’
Image: OpenClipart-vectors/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Pingageddon as NHS covid app forces entire UK population to self-isolate
The UK has informed the world that it’s now closed, and Downing Street has hung up a handwritten ‘Closed – Back in Five Weeks’ sign in the shop window. Everything is shut, including the nations favourite workplaces such as hospitals, Sports Direct warehouses and nail bars as workers stay at home.
The government’s self-destructive libertarian tendencies in opening everything up to keep its backbenchers happy means it has completely cocked it all up again, and it’s not business as usual.
A government spokesperson was quick to defend its policies.
‘Anyone can say we haven’t learned our lessons, that we were originally slow to lockdown and now we’ve been too hasty in coming out of lockdown. Now they are moaning about the NHS app. However, we need to remember that the app is an important tool in our fight against Covid and not a complete tool like the health secretary’.
‘Our trusted and valued colleagues in the private sector companies we all have shares in have closely scrutinized the blame list. It would appear that the Italian fans we allowed to come to the UK to watch a grossly unfair game of football have been up to no good in the virus spreading department’.
‘Please rest assured that this government will take imminent action should it need to take imminent action imminently. For example, if all the food runs out apart from a carton of pot noodle in Burnley, we do have a vital ‘Eat Anything to Stay Alive’ contract with our friends in North Korea’.
Categories: Fake News
Man ‘stable’ after draining cooked pasta water down the sink
A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.
The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some ‘theatre cooking’, rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiatta sauce, for himself, his wife and 2 daughters, whilst they sat at the kitchen table.
‘I don’t know how it happened’, confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10 year old daughter and complaints that the sauce was ‘scarily bland’ and just hadn’t bound together at all.
‘Its advice in every pasta recipe in every book. In fact I could hear Ainsley Harriet’s chirpy tones stressing that ‘YOU MUST KEEP THE WATER, YOU MUST KEEP THE STARCHY WATER, YOU CAN ADD IT TO YOUR SAUCE’ as I drained it down the sink through a colander’.
‘It seemed to happen in slow motion’, continued McBride. ‘I could see my wife’s mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes.’
McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.
Image: Ulleo/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
GB News has ‘minus zero viewing figures’ as presenters reduced to watching audience
GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in.
Former newscaster Alastair Stewart said he watched the Smythe family explain why they weren’t going to tune in to the new station. ‘He didn’t realise that viewing the Smythe family would count against us in the stats and he’s deeply sorry,’ said a GB News source.
And finally, one potentially audience winning feature has been postponed while Andrew Neil has a ‘well-earned break’ from throwing tantrums about the channel’s failures. GB News’s ‘Meatiest face in Britain’ final between Neil (T Bone Angus) and Jeremy Clarkson (chump chop) will take place in the Autumn.
Categories: Fake News
Home cinema reaches new levels of realism with revolutionary ‘obtrusive head’ technology
In the latest move in the technology battle to bring the full cinematic experience to the comfort of consumers’ sofas, TV manufacturer Samsung has upped the ante by launching a home cinema system that comes complete with a large head that remains strategically positioned in the centre of the viewer’s eye-line throughout the movie experience.
The obtrusive head, which comes with a range of settings including ‘large hat’, ‘unfeasibly voluminous hair’, and ‘interminably snogging teenagers’ also features a motion-sensor that ensures it moves whenever the home viewer does, and actually increases in diameter when triggered by audio commands such as deep sighing, or a frustrated tut.
But the automated heads are just one of a range of features boasted by the new Samsung Multiplex, which was described in a ‘Which DVD?’ review as ‘gloriously capturing the soulless, overpriced banality of today’s big-chain cinema.’ State-of-the art sub-woofers, strategically placed behind the sofa, release randomly-timed high-intensity sonic blasts to recreate the experience of being in the proximity a highly-strung back of the seat kicker, and high-specification tweeters provide crystal clear sweet unwrapping and breathy nose-whistling noises, while the mid-range audio channels artfully blend the film’s dialogue with several different conversations about the going rate for babysitters, mundane family gossip, and debates about what other films the supporting actors have appeared in. Samsung also highlighted the environmental credentials of the new product, with all protective packaging made up of stale popcorn and discarded pick ‘n’ mix that can be liberally distributed over the purchaser’s carpet after unboxing.
While consumers have flocked to be the first to own the latest cutting edge audio-visual technology, rivals have been as quick to launch competing products. First to the market was the Amstrad FleaPit, which has been heavily criticised for featuring a slightly seedy torch-wielding pensioner in a bellhop outfit who guides you through a darkened living room to your own sofa while making suggestive remarks about jumbo hot dogs, but won rave reviews for the self-installed Wurlitzer organ that rises majestically through the living room floorboards whenever the system goes on standby.
Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th
A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.
The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.
He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.
“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”
Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.
A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.
“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”
“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”
At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.
Categories: Fake News
Turd emoji quivers as Clippy returns
Microsoft has decided to replace the ubiquitous and functional paperclip emoji with a 3D representation of the hyperactive clippy, last seen patronising word processor users with the observation ‘you look like you’re typing something’, to which most writers typed ‘no f@cking sh!t, Sherlock’.
Other emojis are surprised, with one raising a single eyebrow, and another frowned; however the the emoji most concerned is the turd emoji. ‘If you think I’m shit – wait until Clippy returns,’ it said today.
Categories: Fake News
Arms Manufacturers Recommend Keeping Foreign Aid At 0.75% Of GDP
‘The smart thing to do would be to keep this aid at the promised level’ said the chairman of of one multi-squillion pounds arms manufacturing company ‘Even if that necessitated an 0.00002% decrease in British defence spending to make good the financial cost.’
‘Overseas aid provides a valuable boost to Britain’s corporate image and such virtue-signalling enables us to preach patronisingly to other countries’ he continued. ‘And such a shift in government spending wouldn’t hurt our bottom line in the slightest.’
‘The only difference would be that companies owned by myself and the other chums of government ministers would simply sell our weapon systems to the countries receiving this aid, instead of to the British Ministry of Defence.’
Image: 1681551/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Office weather banter due to reach peak banality this afternoon
Forecasters are warning that annoying weather-talk will reach a new high this afternoon at around 3pm. Office bores and bosses without imagination are due to mention the heat and refer to their iPhone temperature apps as often as every 10 minutes in some UK cities.
Met Office spokesperson Gillian McMillan said: “Office workers need to brace themselves for banter that includes phrases like ‘It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity’, ‘It’s hotter than Ibiza’ and ‘Maybe we should invest in air conditioning one day’. All of which will sap the already limp office atmosphere.”
To take shelter from poor quality chat, people are advised to wear headphones, steer clear of elevators where possible and to avoid calling the IT Helpdesk.
Gary Harris from the Unite union says workers should also be aware that bosses often use poor quality weather talk as an excuse to manipulate workers. “On days like today, many workers are bought things like free ice creams in order to distract them from the fact their boss is a dick. We’d like to remind workers that although you may now have a free ice cream, your boss is still a dick.
“You will be able to tell how much a dick your boss is by the number of times he says phrases like ‘there is no maximum temperature before we have to send you home’ and ‘the heat really IS on now, eh team?’.
Lloydie
Image: 12019/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Man only booked holiday to cause scene at airport about having to wear mask
Serial complainer and seasoned scene causer Darren Bates, aged 43 from Preston, achieved what he claimed to be a personal best yesterday after being forcibly removed from Manchester Airport by security following a tedious two-hour stand-off with staff over his refusal to put a mask on.
As soon as Bates heard on the news that the airport will be continuing to ask people to wear masks even after the legal requirement to do so ends, he knew it was an opportunity to make a public nuisance of himself that he couldn’t afford to miss. Bates randomly booked a last-minute deal without even bothering to check the destination, and eagerly set off for the airport with a self-righteous grin spread across his fully exposed face.
Bates explained later that he tries to “choose his battles wisely” and usually only exercises his fundamental human right to be an awkward, petty gobshite with the most puny and inexperienced looking customer service personnel, and strategically picks fights with people whose jobs depend on them resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the head. On this occasion, his strategy backfired with the arrival of several large and formidable members of airport security who intervened after his refusal to don a face covering before boarding his flight was about to enter its third hour. The situation escalated into a very short-lived physical confrontation, which resulted in Bates being tasered by security staff and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, soiling himself in the process.
The self-proclaimed ‘defender of civil liberties’ regained consciousness in a pool of his own urine outside the airport, just in time to see his plane taking off without him, almost three hours behind schedule, which Bates takes full credit for. Although he will be missing his holiday, he won’t be getting a refund and he may face criminal charges, Bates said he has “no regrets” about his actions. Bolstered by what he described as a “huge victory”, Bates revealed that, after nipping home to change his underpants, he is planning to go to London, a city he has never visited before, to protest about having to wear a mask on the tube.
Categories: Fake News
