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Cowell bombshell as X Factor ‘binned for good’ by ITV over sick scam claims
Purveyors of utterly mindless shite to the masses, broadcaster ITV, has announced it no longer wishes to contribute to Simon Cowell’s personal fortune, and has axed its one time flagship entertainment show, The X Factor.
A channel spokesman said: ‘It took us a while to twig what was going on but the penny finally dropped when we were having an Exec quiz night at the pub. One question was: Name five winners of the X Factor, but between us we just got one and we had the show’s commissioning editor on our team. It was only because someone happened to be playing Leona Lewis on the juke box in the public bar next door that we got her, actually.
‘When he pitched the show Simon said it was a new concept, and certainly not in the least bit like Opportunity Knocks or New Faces of bygone days. “It’s designed to make unknown wannabes into stars,” he told us. Well quite clearly that was a whopping lie, so we’re closing down the whole sick scam.’
The broadcaster was keeping its cards close to its chest today on what it might introduce to challenge the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing in the Autumn schedules. However, the spokesman refused to confirm or deny strong rumours circulating in media circles, a new game show, Ant & Dec’s Whose Arse is it Anyway? co-hosted by Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon, is currently in production at a closed set in Elstree.
Categories: Fake News
NASA confirm Bezos & Branson are first men to reach the complete waste of space
NASA’s Senior Director of Space Stuff, Hank Schitzler, has confirmed that the billionaires recent day trip into space was nothing more than one trivial step for mankind.
‘The idiots only went 53 miles up for fucks sake, and just because they wanked around with floating piss bubbles for ten minutes doesn’t mean they are astronauts in any shape or form. Space doesn’t officially start until 62 miles from earth, and by our precise satellite computerisations, all they reached was the complete waste of space. It’s so pointless we don’t know what to do with it. I mean, you can’t plant a flag in it or even play golf, for that matter. Goddam cocksuckers’.
Director Shitzler produced various coloured charts, graphs and reams of data to show that comedians hosting launches, Cowboy hats, and ridiculously permed hair do not form part of official astronaut training.
Categories: Fake News
Angry viewers slam Sky Sports over its Open Golf coverage
Satellite broadcaster, Sky, has come under fire today from angry viewers incandescent with rage over its coverage of this year’s Open golf championship.
One subscriber called a radio phone-in show, on nutters’ favourite network, LBC, to complain. Richard Black, a xenophobic bigot from Canvey Island told Nick Ferrari: ‘I have become accustomed to Sky’s coverage and really like the way they do things. Their golf coverage is normally so much better than when that BBC loony lefty lot used to show it.’
‘But today has really annoyed me. There’s far too much golf being mixed into the normal wall-to-wall gambling, money-lending and insurance adverts. If I wanted to see that amount of golf then I’d have gone to Carnoustie and stood there gawping at it myself. I’m missing Ray Winstone’s over the top Cockney rasp. The wife loves them little Muskrats even though they ain’t British.’
And roulette enthusiast Arthur Meadowes agrees: ‘It’s been awful. I have been trying to see what odds I can get on two flies climbing up a wall and it’s just golf golf effing golf! Potentially I’ve gone and saved myself a fortune now. It’s a bloody disgrace. ‘
Meanwhile bookies, Paddy Power, is offering to pay Sky an undisclosed sum if they ‘tone down’ the golf content for the remainder of the tournament and go back to its usual sports to adverts ratio; normally 98%-2%
Categories: Fake News
Jacob Rees-Mogg asks for horseless carriages to be included in Highway Code. More soon
Categories: Fake News
UK’s most popular holiday destination 2021 revealed: the M5 southbound
It has been revealed that almost the entire population of the UK is holidaying on the M5 southbound this summer. Many families are enjoying a full two week break in queuing traffic, before briefly popping to Cornwall to enjoy some crowds and rain for twenty minutes. After this, most immediately begin their second holiday of the summer – on the M5 northbound.
Tony and Carol were originally planning to take their three children to a static caravan in Cornwall but quickly realised an M5 holiday was the best option: ‘It was a no-brainer’ explains Tony ‘firstly, the caravan was going to cost about £20k a week due to high demand. Secondly, looking at the journey time, we were going to average around 1 mile an hour on the way down. So it only made sense to turn the journey into our holiday. It’s been brilliant. We’ve had great fun pissing on the side of the road and the kids have learnt some new assertive hand gestures’.
Carol isn’t as positive about the experience: ‘I can’t believe I’m spending my summer holiday queuing on the M5. I told Tony we should holiday in a queue at Heathrow instead but he wouldn’t listen. The kids haven’t even had an ice-cream at the services yet, Tony said the queues are too long’.
Categories: Fake News
Marble Arch Mound to Get World Heritage Status, Westminster Council Claims
Stonehenge may be on the verge of getting demolished to make way for a bypass and another pile of rocks in Wales may be deemed to have greater historical significance than Liverpool’s Dockyards, but Westminster Council leaders have assured the public that it is only a matter of time before the municipal monstrosity that is the Marble Arch Mound will catch the attention of the World Heritage Committee.
There are widespread concerns, however, that UNESCO may not be quite so taken with this artificial eyesore, which resembles a half finished building that has been left abandoned for so long that moss has started to grow on it, because it looks more like something Fred Dibnah would have demolished in the 1980s rather than a ridiculously expensive urban art installation that people are actually supposed to pay money to walk up.
This has led to a barrage of complaints from the public, who object to having to fork out money for clambering up a dangerous pile of scaffolding that may collapse and kill them at any moment, a feat usually only attempted free of charge by very drunk people trying to show off to their mates.
Despite universal criticism by everyone who has had the misfortune to see it, council leaders still insist that the Marble Arch Mound will easily overtake Stonehenge as one of the most visited monuments in Britain and will soon be listed alongside the Great Pyramid of Giza as one of the wonders of the world.
When asked if this was a slightly deluded ambition given that people have been visiting Stonehenge for 5000 years and the Marble Arch Mound has already been forced to close after only two days due to it being the most offensively rubbish thing anyone has ever been duped into paying an extortionate entrance fee for, Westminster Council representatives Pointed out that unlike Stonehenge, ‘the mound is completed.’
Categories: Fake News
The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street
Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.
With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan ‘Slow Hand’ Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie ‘The Lips’ Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:
Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa)
Hey Jew (Don’t be Afraid of Being Deselected)
Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry
While my Civil Service Gently Weeps
Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent
Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date
Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in)
Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out
When I’m Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract
You’ve Got to Hide Your Husband’s Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away
All You Need is Strong and Stable
Not a Third Time
We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG)
Can’t Buy Me a Majority
The Wrong and Whining Toad
With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party
Baby You’re a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was)
The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash
You Always Give Me Your Money
Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown)
I Want to Hold Your Assets
Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite
Dear Fiscal Prudence
Draft Agreement Writer
She’s Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)
The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson’s ego when he enters Downing Street the day after.
Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase
Categories: Fake News
Highway Code updated for cyclists
Following many years of debate about how cyclists should behave, and how other road users should respond, the Department of Transport has decided to revise the nation’s best read guidance on road use
The new rule changes include the following:
- To avoid confusion about whether cyclists should ride on the road or pavement, they are now allowed to cycle on both. Additionally, they can also ride on bridleways, and through shopping malls, shops, car homes and schools. So, no more confusion
- The traffic light system has also been updated. A red light for traffic now officially means cyclists can travel through without looking. Similarly, a red traffic light for pedestrians also means cyclists can cross the road without looking. This has symmetrical elegance in law, but in practice changes nothing
- A new range of hand signals is to be made official too. If a single finger is displayed by a cyclist, this means “fuck off it’s my road”. If the same signal is shown by a motorist to a cyclist, it means “please drive in front of me like a twat”. If a motorist holds his first finger to his thumb while waving, this indicates that the cyclists tyre pressure needs adjusting
- Priority at roundabouts is also to change. Basically, cyclists have priority, and fuck everyone else. This is current Government policy anyway
The latest Highway Code revision was signed off by the PM Boris Johnson, a cyclist
Hat tip nickb
Categories: Fake News
Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad
A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.
Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event (‘he pulled out of that planche to handstand there’) to tae-kwon do (‘that’s surely got to be a gam-jeon’?.’
‘I think the family likes to know what’s going on – the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight’, said McBride, with one eye on the Men’s triathlon. ‘I see my role as a kind of public information service….oh, that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there – that’s going to cost him’.
‘Lots of splash on entry there’, continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. ‘The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds’.
‘By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is ‘definitely top drawer’, said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete’s wife. ‘I don’t think we can take any more’.
‘The family look to be ‘in the red’ already in terms of stamina’, summarised McBride excitedly. ‘They’ll need to dig deep if they’ve any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they’ll unfortunately go into the repecharge’
Categories: Fake News
RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage
The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’
The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.
Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.
The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.
Categories: Fake News
Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter
Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our ‘big fat, sausage fingers’. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply ‘further away’ than first thought.
Said one food scientist: ‘It’s all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK’s diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown’s pocket that is Boris Johnson’s mouth – see, it now looks as teensy as the UK’s economic growth.’
Some insist that Toblerone’s mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury
True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: ‘If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.’
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay acquisition of Mr. Whippy in meltdown
Sources in the City of London have indicated the multi-million pound takeover of ice-cream purveyors Mr. Whippy by dinner-party pop princes Coldplay, is in full meltdown.
After responsibly ending touring to reduce their impact on the planet’s mental health, the band, well singer/songwriter Chris Martin, is now witnessing society open-up to allow live performances in front of large crowds and is feeling a bit left out. It is believed this yearning for a return to mass exposure was the catalyst for the band, well Chris, to launch a ferocious buyout bid to secure Whippy and its extensive fleet of ice-cream vans.
Spokesperson for the band, Tom Goldsmith, explained: ‘Ice cream sellers have traditionally attracted customers to their vans with catchy tunes, like: Colonel Bogey, Greensleeves, and the Captain Pugwash sea shanty everyone tries to jig to when pissed. The band, well Chris, thought they could broadcast their music from Whippy’s vans, albeit in a non-lyrical jingle form, to hundreds of thousands of people who would otherwise choose not to listen, but are forced to because they want an ice-cream.”
Music wasn’t the only thing Coldplay wanted to give the public a taste of; Maurice Barr, publicist for Mr. Whippy, added: “It further transpired, the band, well Chris; being in competition with ex-wife, Gwyneth, wanted to sell his own brand of vegan ice cream, with flavours like: ‘This Tastes Like My Vagina But With A Flake In It’ and ‘This Ice-Cream Is Organic And Green, But Not As Green As My All-Consuming Envy’. The board at Whippy were none too pleased, the takeover was off.
According to sources in the City: the band, well Chris: despite biting-off more Whippy than he can chew, suffering financial brain-freeze, and having rejection sauce dripping off his chin, is next planning a buyout of Royal Mail. Subject to the ability of posties to whistle a dreary tune, of course.
Categories: Fake News
British public completely baffled over what exactly JPN stands for
‘We haven’t a clue’, said Pauline Tennant, a 43-year-old grandmother from Romford. ‘We were up all night but couldn’t work it out. The nearest we could get was Jalapeno pepper, although Kylie, my eldest, thought it might be Japonica’.
The BBC switchboard has been inundated with calls from viewers demanding to know what exactly JPN stands for. Deputy Diversity Switchboard Chief, Nigel Mugford, admitted they’d been caught out.
‘Our £3.6bn viewer modelling contraption predicted a small surge in calls during a large pointless sporting event, but nothing on this scale. We’ve had to recruit hundreds more switchboard operators to cope with the demand. I can only apologise to all our viewers, and I’ve promised our new Director General that there will be a full internal investigation’.
‘JPN is certainly something of a mystery and has caught people’s imagination. Interestingly we’ve had no problems with people working out what BRA stands for.’
Categories: Fake News
Parents remortgage house to pay for child’s Sylvanian Families habit
Sara and Tom are parents to seven year old Ava and in May this year were forced to remortgage their house in order to fund Ava’s new-found hobby of collecting Sylvanian Families.
‘The problems started around her birthday’ explains Sara between sobs ‘she wanted the Adventure Treehouse and Walnut Squirrel Family…we agreed before we even checked the price – what idiots we were – but there was no going back, we couldn’t disappoint her on her birthday. So we ordered them from the Argos catalogue after securing a small bank loan. It all just escalated from there…before we knew it, she wanted the Log Cabin, the Caravan Playset with working oven and air con – then the Red Roof Country House with it’s its own lighting, plumbing and central heating system. By this point, we had maxed-out on all the payday loans we could get our hands on and fell into crippling debt. That’s when we knew we would have to remortgage the house’.
It is estimated that raising a child to 18 costs £150,000 with around £110,000 of that going on Sylvanian Families sets. A Deluxe Three Story Otter’s Town House will set parents back in the region of £100k. This is a large outlay for a single item, especially when you consider Otters don’t need a house, so you are roped into also buying a Canal Boat for their added comfort which they also don’t need because they are inanimate objects.
Seven year old Ava has a level headed approach to the situation: ‘Sylvanian Families were ok but I’m nearly eight now, so to be honest, I think Sylvanian Families are a bit babyish for me. I’m going to start collecting rare, vintage Barbies instead. So I need to let Mum and Dad know they will need to put the car on eBay and sell my younger brother on the dark web’.
Categories: Fake News
