Feed aggregator
Just for 5 minutes you can dream that Messi will join your club
With the news that Lionel Messi is parting ways with Barcelona, every football fan can briefly indulge his fantasy that Messi will want to join a wind swept, dour English team. For a fleeting moment you can imagine that he will want to trade sunny Spain for getting kicked up and down your local pitch.
Remarked one fan: ‘He could go to PSG or Chelsea but I suspect he’ll plump for Gosport. We’ve got one wooden stand, a spare ball and all the pies he can eat’.
Another said: ‘Our pub team can always use someone a bit nippy’. Said one Akela: ‘There will always be a place for young Lionel, in our under-9s cub team. But he will have to supply his own woggle’.
Categories: Fake News
Rioters to phase out petrol bombs by 2040
The Royal Society Of Low Emission Street damage (RSOLES) has announced plans to end the use of petrol bombs in the next 23 years.
Barry Neanderthal of Bermondsey explained. ‘We encourage all responsible rioters to consider their carbon footprints, if you look back to the 2012 riots when we felt we did some of our finest work, it becomes concerning that some of the people who set fire to cars might have created some pollution.’
RSOLES’ research into alternatives started last week, as they urge trouble makers to consider the use of equivalent fuels.
‘The thing with diesel bombs is as well as being bad for the environment, they’re slow to ignite and cause prolonged chaos as people slip on the spilled fuel that never evaporates,’ said Barry. ‘For those thinking of starting a riot this weekend, as it stands our official recommendation is a magnifying glass and a lot of patience.’
apepper with hat tip to Titus
Categories: Fake News
UK travellers to be given advanced new ‘coin toss’ test for Covid
Holidaymakers returning to the UK are to be given a scientifically advanced ‘coin toss’ test to decide whether they should go into quarantine for Covid.
This follows the revelation that only one in twenty of the PCR tests that international travellers must take are properly checked using genome sequencing to uncover dangerous Covid variants.
“What this effectively means is that people have been paying an average of £75 each for a bloke in a lab to hold their sample up to the light and say ‘looks all right to me,’” said a spokesman for NHS Test and Trace.
“Our new system is cheaper, quicker and no less random. Upon disembarking, every passenger must queue up, pay £50 and then shuffle past a grumpy Border Force official who spins a coin and says: ‘heads: you’re clear’ or ‘tails: go into quarantine in a hotel and spend £2,000 you can’t afford.’
“It is scientifically proven,” said the spokesman, “because the science says beyond doubt that the coin will always come down on one side or another. It also means the government can keep the profits flowing to their chums in the private sector who wangled contracts to carry out Covid testing.”
It is thought the coin toss test was dreamt up on the spot by prime minister Boris Johnson during a cabinet meeting while ministers were playing ‘spin the bottle’ to decide who would be the next chief executive of the NHS.
Categories: Fake News
Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing
In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show’s first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.
In a statement released last night, the show’s producers revealed: “We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country’s balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide”.
It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.
A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: “I’m really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire” he said.
“However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won’t hesitate to take back control”, he chuckled.
It is understood that Farage’s contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.
Danny Soz
Categories: Fake News
Suspended German show jumping coach apologises”I thought it was a Suffolk Punch”
Categories: Fake News
Medical team confirm winner of Paris 2024 Olympics stakeboarding ‘not yet born
Categories: Fake News
Johnson to ring Sturgeon’s doorbell then run away
Boris Johnson is visiting Scotland for as little time as he can possibly get away with before too many Scottish people notice he is there and run him out of the country.
A Tory spokesman looked appalled at the prospect of travelling so far from Surrey:
‘How frightful! We are compelled to visit the wild, uncivilised, frozen north, Jocksville or Scotchland or whatever it’s called, in order to pretend we care about countries other than England. I want to assure the Tory base that we do not. I had assumed Scotchland was in Game of Thrones, not the UK. We’re gone as soon as the Prime Minister achieves his principle strategic objective of not meeting Nicola Sturgeon, but in a super-secret, super-clever, super-sophisticated way that she will not see coming.’
An SNP spokesman responded:
‘He’s going to ring the door bell and then run away. The only question is, will he be giggling? Ding dong, then leg it? Isn’t that how Boris treats most women? We know he’s a hyper-privileged man-child, prone to stunts and sulks, so we’ve covered the First Minister’s doorbell in raspberry jam and we’ve a bucket of gunge ready to go from an upstairs window.’
On being informed that Keir Starmer would also be visiting Scotland, the SNP spokesman looked pensive.
‘I know that name, wait, don’t tell me. No, it’s gone, sorry. I hope he has a nice time though, whoever he is.’
Categories: Fake News
Jeremy Corbyn’s Premier League do’s and don’ts
As the 2019/20 Premier League season kicks off this weekend, the Labour leader disseminates advice on ‘the beautiful game’ for the militant lefty.
Do:
Write to a senior civil servant demanding they block the Premier League until the embargo against the free movement of players between clubs is resolved.
Cry bourgeois elitism when it’s explained the embargo is a universally accepted transfer window.
Don’t:
Attend games in person. If you must, do as I did watching Cluj versus Celtic in Romania last week; admit to your attendance but claim you weren’t involved. This works for any event where plausible deniability is a necessity when in the glare of the capitalist propaganda outlets.
Do:
Only acknowledge the talents of a team’s left-winger, or anyone left-footed. Observe only through your left eye.
Don’t:
Condemn your team’s player for recklessly tackling an opponent. Instead condemn all tackles and commission a public inquiry into the incumbent administration’s failure to devote adequate resources year-on-year to tackle tackling.
Do:
Publicly denounce the process of deciding the winning team and the part played by the victorious dictatorial Prime Manager to be a wholly unconstitutional un-democratic feudal throwback at every opportunity, yet never wither from the all-consuming desire to be a victorious dictatorial Prime Manager yourself.
Don’t:
Pick a Premier League team to support until the end of the season and the outcome of the fascistic gladiatorial façade is revealed. Then pick Arsenal.
Categories: Fake News
Thatcher posthumously awarded ‘inadvertent eco-warrior ’85’
PR genius Boris Johnson has revealed that Margaret Thatcher was in fact a trailblazing eco-warrior – a fact even she was entirely unaware of.
Channelling the climate crisis unfolding a mere 25 years later, tree-hugging nature-enthusiast Margaret Thatcher began a Greta Thunberg-esque eco-campaign all the way back in the mid-eighties. Whilst some suggested she had cruelly devistated communities with her brutal decision to close coal mines, they were entirely unaware that she actually posessed incredible psychic powers. Against all the odds, she knew this ‘eco-nonsense’ would catch on in the future and relatively normal people would be into it, not just those eco-vegan weirdos that were around in the eighties.
Due to Boris’ incarceration in the Bullingdon Club throughout the eighties, paired with his complete refusal to associate with the lower classes, he does not remember the fallout first hand.
Some have suggested Boris is ‘completely out of touch’ with the old mining communities and ‘doesn’t have any idea’ what they went through. Boris vehemently disagrees, believing himself to be ‘just like a real-life miner’ due to his relentless ability to dig himself big holes and accumulate a lot of dirt on himself.
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast Episode 4
Available for FREE on Spotify, Youtube, iTunes and many other podcast platforms.
document.createElement('video'); http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/newsbiscuit-podcast-4-soundbite.mp4
Categories: Fake News
Taxi Drivers Furious at Being Compared to the RNLI
Cabbies across the UK have reacted with fury to Nigel Farage’s suggestion that the RNLI is like a taxi service, delivering shipwrecked asylum seekers to safety on British shores.
“He’s bang out of order this time,” said Keith, licence number 4425631 from Gravesend. “If I was on a taxi rank five miles off the coast of Kent, I’d put my foot on their heads and push them under. I wrote that in the comments section of the Daily Mail, and so did five hundred of my mates.”
Clive, a black cab driver from Stockwell and area secretary for the EDL said: “Normally, I’m Nigel’s greatest fan and when he comes on GB News I sometimes cream my pants. But he’s got us all wrong. I wouldn’t get out of the driver’s seat to save one of them people – or even swerve to avoid them.
“Where did you want to get to, guv? I ain’t going south of the Channel at this time of night.”
Categories: Fake News
Olympic Committee set to invent ever more ludicrous cycling events
With record levels of spectators watching ridiculously-clad cyclists performing a variety of weird and wonderful so-called races, Olympic bosses are meeting regularly to discuss future ways of making track cycling even sillier.
From the ‘formation taking it in turns’ competition, which sees the race leader cycling up the banking and then joining in again at the back of the queue for no apparent reason, to the ‘dick about for a lap or two and then pedal like you’re trying to set your lycra codpiece on fire’ contests, the popularity of watching outrageously daft Olympic cycling events has never been higher.
Although part of the attraction for the viewers is the hilarious garb that gullible cyclists have been persuaded to wear by unscrupulous aerodynamicists, it is the absurdity of the events themselves that has caught the public’s attention.
The highlight of the velodrome’s exhibition of preposterousness is currently the mysterious Keirin, in which cyclists follow a prospective cab driver doing ‘The Knowledge’ on a strange moped for several laps and then decide to go off on their own when he refuses to go south of the river. A more incongruous event is difficult to envisage but the Olympic experts are undaunted.
‘Our vision is to have a track cycling event that transfixes the entire world with its silliness’, explained a spokesman for the Olympic Cycling Committee. ‘Mind you,’ he admitted, ‘We’ll never be able to compete with dressage.’
Categories: Fake News
Alf Garnett too late to stop Brexit
Frustratingly the BBC’s re-boot of ‘Till Death Us Do Part’ has missed its chance to spread a message of brotherly love to wavering Referendum voters. Alf’s sage commentary on multi-culturalism and the need for an integrated Europe, could so easily have tipped the balance in favour of the ‘bloody foreigners’.
Explained one critic: ‘Its nonsense to suggest that this is the sitcom equivalent of an UKIP poster. Clearly a it’s clever play within a play. At a time when the UK is seeing a spike in hate crimes, it makes perfect sense to return to ambiguous comic xenophobia’. Said one smug BBC executive: ‘The wonderful thing about Alf is he could be enjoyed by everyone – liberals could see him as an ‘ironic’ racist figure, while the rest of us could just take him on face value’.
Later this year the BBC plans to re-shooting several missing black and white episodes – although so far they have found only the white ones. Sadly David Cameron must now be kicking himself that he did not have Alf Garnett by his side to make the case for Europe. Although Theresa May has said it is not too late for a 70’s bigot to join her Cabinet, but she may have been referencing Liam Fox.
Categories: Fake News
Traffic lights on UK roads to have 50 shades of amber
The once elegant system of stop and go has been deconstructed by a very clever kerfuffle of men who know what is best for the people of Britain.
In happier, simpler times, a chap could be trained to do the highly skilled job of standing in a sunny country lane, armed with one of the most powerful tools ever created. The tool could literally halt traffic, including heavy goods vehicles and Austin Maestros with faulty brakes. But with a deft flip, that very same tool could grant freedom to those who had waited patiently for passage beyond roadworks.
Some say that it all went wrong when the red stop, green go system was upgraded by Ambrose Rudd, the great, great, no really great grandfather of former Home Secretary Amber Rudd. A man of well concealed wisdom, Ambrose Rudd invented a yellowy colour with no name which could be squished between stop and go. The genius of it was that it meant neither stop nor go, which was precisely what everyone hadn’t realised they didn’t need.
But that wasn’t enough. The doubt and hesitation caused by a sort of yellowy-orange light needed improvement. A devious spiv who hung out on shadowy street corners by the name of Flash ‘Arry made his fortune by adding a complex sequence to the light which followed the pattern: on, off, on, off… Where ‘Arry got his idea from has never been indicated.
A dubious acquaintance of Flash ‘Arry with the street name Mad Jez Avenue later suggested that sometimes the orange light could be on, sometimes off, and sometimes follow the nutty sequence proposed by ‘Arry. It was agreed that this was the ultimate thinking on the subject, and all traffic lights everywhere followed this convention for many years. Except ones in Bulgaria which did away with red and green altogether.
But following a global test during the past year, a trusted authority on all subjects called Grant Shapps has developed an innovative concept. Joyously, the concept enables the current system of traffic lights to be replaced with an even simpler fiasco. There will be no consultation, and all traffic lights will be replaced with immediate effect, the contract for the upgrades rightly awarded without oversight to a company called Not Grant Shapps Ltd.
Road users will be required to instantly distinguish and know the meaning of massive boards of 50 lights, each lamp a slightly different shade of amber. Sometimes some of them will be on, sometimes others, sometimes some will blink, sometimes some will come on, and then immediately go off again the moment drivers have proceeded. Most importantly, anyone finding themselves stranded in a mangled wreck of twisted steel in the middle of a road junction will be deported to Bulgaria.
Categories: Fake News
Man admits object is ‘heavy’ and not ‘just awkward’
Gary Grimthwaite had initially claimed the reason he was struggling to move a chest of drawers was that it was an awkward shape.
Grimthwaite commented ‘I watched Joe Wicks PE for the first few days and I always eat at least 4,000 calories per day, because that’s what Olympic athletes do. Plus I’ve read everything by Andy McNab, so I just assumed I’d be able to move these drawers. Do they have rocks in or something?’
Grimthwaite’s girlfriend Rachel Rutherford visibly rolled her eyes, adding
‘They have socks in. Plus pants, maybe a few towels? To be fair, they are quite heavy but when I tried to help, he said he didn’t need me. So instead I got some custard creams, curled up on an armchair and watched 45 minutes of solid gold entertainment.’
Categories: Fake News
