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Not so much Churchill as Chaplin: PM’s self-styled delusions lambasted
Cries of “where’s Boris?” are ringing out across the land, as the self-styled latter-day Churchill is once again conspicuous by his absence, leading many commentators to heap scorn on the hapless PM’s attempts to handle a worsening health crisis.
“What? Boris is like a latter day Churchill? Do me a favour. Don’t you actually mean Charlie Chaplin?” guffawed one senior TV political correspondent.
However, a source close to No. 10, who wished to remain anonymous, insists Mr. Johnson’s absence form the public stage is little more than a cynical stage-managed PR operation to keep him hidden from public view.
He told us: ‘Quite frankly its been decided behind closed doors that they daren’t let Boris loose again. He’s a complete liability.
‘I know the Downing Street internal press department has already moved heaven and earth to suppress one farcical incident at a gardening implements manufacturer. Ironically, refusing PPE, after quipping “what could possibly go wrong?”, bungling Boris immediately became entangled in a vicious accident loop after stepping between two rakes.
‘He was repeatedly smacked in the face and the back of his head by the handles for a full five minutes as he tottered back and forth, before an aide came to his rescue. I kid you not. You should see the video. priceless.
‘What’s more, extensive risk and gaffe modelling, carried out by a firm of slapstick experts, suggest it would only be a matter of time before his trousers fall down during some important state occasion.’
Categories: Fake News
Woman forgets to tell strangers she is vegan
Sandra Harris, 47, of West Bromwich has told of the shame and embarrassment she feels after not telling strangers she was vegan.
The incident occurred on the 10:26 train from Birmingham to Kings Cross on Thursday morning. The strangers, Kevin and Julie Young, were sitting opposite Ms Harris for the whole journey and not once did she give herself away or even preach at them.
‘In a way, we feel cheated,’ said Kevin. ‘She wasn’t dressed like a hippy. She didn’t smell. She didn’t tut or lecture us, not even when I offered her one of my Galaxy Minstrels. She just smiled and said, no thanks.’
Julie, told our reporter: ‘I can’t believe it. I even had a leather handbag. She was so nice. What’s all that about? I mean, who does she think she is?’
A press release from the Vegan Society said that they were ‘a little disappointed’ by the actions of Ms Harris, but told us:Â ‘there is no rule that we always have to annoy people in public.’Â Ms Harris had an altercation with a Costa Coffee employee at the station about soy milk to make up for it, but the damage had already been done.
Categories: Fake News
Sir Kier Starmer To Be Re-Launched As ‘Starmsy’ to Re-Establish His Street Cred
Categories: Fake News
Global warming caused by millions setting fire to their Messi Barcelona shirts
Categories: Fake News
Ken Loach expelled from Labour Party for calling Keith, ‘Keith’
Award winning film maker and humanitarian, Ken Loach has been told to leave the Labour Party, as there is no place for democratic socialists in a democratic socialist party. He was also chastised for referring Sir Keith Starmer as ‘Keir’, I mean ‘Keith’, ‘Keir’, no its ‘Keith’, ‘Keir’ – ‘Keir’? Yes, its Keith.
‘Cathy Come Home’, ‘Kes’ and ‘I, Daniel Blake’ – are to name but three films that Sir Keir has never watched – or understood. In fact, the Labour Leader cites the movie ‘Wallstreet’ as his type of left-wing economics and ‘Starship Troopers’ as his vision of the future.
A Labour Spokesman confirmed: ‘Ken no longer shares the values of this party – because we have all become colossal arseh$les’.
Many supporters of Sir Keir, all two of them, have expressed frustration that everyone gets his name wrong; in a childish attempt to devalue his successes, all two of them. A close friend tried to explain: ‘His name is not Keith as well, you know. It’s Sir F$cknuggets’
Categories: Fake News
£6m mound of dirt ‘absolute bargain’ confirm London’s 10k homeless
London’s ten thousand homeless have unanimously agreed that a large lump of dirt is a brilliant way to spunk six million quid.
Ian, currently living between two bins behind the Oxford Street branch of Greggs, is absolutely delighted with the Marble Arch Mound: ‘I was previously hoping that the local council might help me with a few of the basics like food and shelter, but now I’ve seen the giant hobbit hill in all its glory, I agree the money was much better spent on that. I climbed it straight away for the absolute bargain price of £8. It meant I couldn’t eat for two weeks but it was totally worth it’.
The homeless community have already offered up suggestions for other thrilling London tourist attractions that councils could spend money on instead of them, including ‘Fatberg Mountain’ in the middle of Oxford Circus and an installation of ‘Thin Air’ in Hyde Park. The proposal for an expensive ‘Waste of Space’ was dismissed as it was pointed out this attraction already exists in Westminster.
Categories: Fake News
West needs to rethink policy on Islamic extremism, say tanked thinkers
As the Taliban swarm into Kabul, a spokesman for a major US thinktank is calling for a change of strategy on extremism. Hank Burgerbun, lead strategist at WEIISS, The Well Endowed Institute for International Strategic Studies in the USA, says there needs to be “a good ‘ol head scratch” about these developments.
He declared “In the end this is a matter for the Afghans”. He went on to say, “But somehow the moderate majority need to prevail. What the West needs to do is mobilise the large majority of moderate Muslims, who are reasonable and peaceful people, to resist the degradation of human rights and the brutal legal system. This is a tactic we have used before with great success, for example, during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan in the 1980s, and this lead to the eventual withdrawal of Soviet troops in 1989. In that case we supported the build up of a local group of Muslims who were prepared to fight against tyranny, who came to be known as the .. erm … Taliban. Erm…” He declined to comment further.
Categories: Fake News
Babies to be fitted with snooze buttons
Scientists today unveiled a solution to the centuries-old design fault in babies which causes them to start crying in the middle of the night and not stop until their parents get up and do something about it.
‘We realised there are two things which generally disturb a person’s sleep: a small child and an alarm clock. But inexplicably only one of these was designed with an ‘off’ button,’ explained Professor Lyndon, who led the research project. ‘While parents might consider an ‘off’ button a little drastic and irreversible, a snooze button could really help. Now when your baby wakes up screaming at 3.17am you can just hit the snooze button and get an extra ten minutes shut-eye.’
Drawing on other design features of the clock radio, scientists have reported that the next generation of babies could also be fitted with a radio antenna to provide a wider range of alarm sounds. ‘Babies tend to come with that one loud and annoying default alarm tone,’ continued Professor Lyndon, ‘but now parents could be woken by their child broadcasting Classic FM or Radio 4. In fact tests have found that both those stations tend to have a strangely somnolent effect on the child so that the sound of his own ‘crying’ often puts him back to sleep again.’
Scientists are now working on enhancing the snooze button technology to also develop a programming function that would allow parents to ‘set’ their child only to wake up at a particular time.
The plans to fit infant humans with snooze buttons that would remain with them throughout life have been welcomed by both wives, who see ‘snoozing’ their husbands as a convenient alternative to lying about having a headache, and by husbands who don’t mind whether their spouse is awake or asleep.
Categories: Fake News
Locals celebrate after picture of c*ck and balls on church attributed to Banksy
Art terrorist Banksy has been praised by the residents of a neglected seaside town after a crudely scribbled drawing of male genitalia, which was signed by the artist, was discovered on the wall of their local church. The listed 17th-century building has now been demolished in order for the artwork to be removed and encased in glass for display at a local museum.
The work, which has thrilled art lovers across the world, has been described as a bold statement about the gentrification of seaside towns, which essentially ‘makes us all feel like cocks.’
The appearance of the drawing follows a recent spate of Banksy works in which the artist has explored sexual themes and innuendo, including “Shaz is a Slag”, which appeared on a Streatham bus shelter.
Some critics have suggested that Banksy’s recent work has exhibited a decline in quality with a move away from the Trompe l’oeil tradition and a greater focus on Shaz. However, the artist’s popularity with the public shows no sign of dimming.
Art critic for the Observer, Daniel Cleave, observed: ‘The work has divided people between those who view it as critical of the state and its role in our lives, and those for whom it is a celebration of the human form itself. In fact, neither are correct; the artist is making a statement about the pomposity of the art world and its willingness to embrace a piece of work which is artistically inane and pretentious – a ‘pile of cock’, of if you will, depicted, as it is, as a literal cock and balls. It’s brilliant!’.
Categories: Fake News
Drug lord motivates gang to win turf war using slick PowerPoint presentation
London drug overlord Joey ‘The Razor’ Fraser has attributed his gang’s victory in an acrimonious turf war in the city’s east end to the highly polished PowerPoint presentation he delivered to his team of violent criminals. Fraser used a variety of methods in his hour-long presentation to illustrate the benefits of mercilessly crushing a rival gang that had been attempting to move in on their territory.
‘I thought I’d tried something different this time and the boys seem to respond really well to it’ says Fraser. ‘Its easy to come over all Ray Winstone and tell them to get out there and break the other lot’s f**king legs. But by being able to illustrate our immediate and medium-term objectives through the use of pie-charts, bar charts and Venn diagrams it really helped the guys take cognisance of our end goals’.
‘Once I’d managed to cascade the relevant information vis-a-vis the violent termination of our rival organisation we had a chance to have a proper look under the bonnet of our drug delivery service. The guys were then able to put our strategic approach into practice on the street and wipe out those muppets that were encroaching on my manor’.
Feedback to Fraser’s presentation was largely positive with gang members giving an overall rating of 9 out of 10 in the questionnaire they were asked to fill out afterwards.
‘I was bit sceptical at first’ admits gang member Kevin ‘Bananas’ Mitchell. ‘But once the boss had shown us his cost-benefit analysis of kneecapping and cutting off some nonce’s hand with a machete I was won over. His use of animation was also very effective, and he really let the slides speak for themselves. I’d have given it 10 out of 10 but I felt the section on removing your enemy’s teeth with a pair of pliers went on a bit. Apart from that it was the bollocks’.
Having cemented his position Fraser is planning a staff away-day in a country hotel as a reward for his gang’s loyalty.
‘It’ll do the guys good to get away from the everyday work environment and touch base offline for a day or two. After all the drugs game can’t just be about maintaining supremacy using threats and violence’ says Fraser.
‘Sometimes you just have to get away, let the boys have a bit of fun and stir-fry some ideas in the strategy wok’.
Categories: Fake News
Planet not on fire say fossil fuel fans
Renegade maverick free thinkers, who half-read something on Facebook written by Shell and BP, have come together to jauntily deny that climate change is happening, even as the floodwaters hurtle past their homes.
One climate change sceptic shouted, ‘I’m not on fire! You’re on fire – wait -I mean no-one is on fire’, as the flames consumed them as well as large parts of California, Turkey, Greece, Siberia, Algeria, the Amazon and elsewhere.
In Australia, climate change deniers are still politically influential, despite the country being a massive desert and almost always actively aflame.
‘I don’t like it when Greta Thunberg says the world is heading towards a climate apocalypse. But when David Attenborough uses exactly the same words to mean exactly the same thing, I immediately became a climate warrior.’ said one sexist.
Thunberg’s Twitter roasts of world leaders are now considered so fierce that they themselves have been contributing to the rising temperatures.
A Kremlin spokeswoman said ‘Thunberg murdered Putin with words, and he had a good cry on his golden toilet after he saw it. Then he took his shirt off and rode a horse to feel better.’
One climate scientist said, ‘Thank goodness, ole Trumpy Trump isn’t in office. She was shooting orange fish in a racist barrel there.’ He paused to collect some bottles of whisky, bags of cocaine and two busty strippers from under his lab bench, saying, ‘It’s the end of the world mate, might as well enjoy it.’
Categories: Fake News
Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all
A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.
One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, “I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.’s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn’t have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.
A response from the Department of Education stated, “We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that.”
Categories: Fake News
Woolly mammoth urged to be more specific
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A level grades to be replaced with assessment of wealth and colour of skin
Following the success of the teacher awarded grades for A levels this year, the government has decided to formalise the process and ditch exams completely.
‘Exams have their place,’ admitted one Minister today, ‘but sometimes poor people pass them, and not only white poor people too. Not that we want to hold back talented, intelligent poor people, regardless of skin colour, but McDonald’s needs competent managers and universities need white, upper-class students.’
A UCAS spokesperson confirmed that under the new scheme, there would still be places for ordinary students regardless of background, income or colour. Just not the best ones.
Categories: Fake News
Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods
After years of waking up early to walk his dog, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.
‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.
When pressed for details of the gruesome find, he explained: ‘It was textbook. My black labrador ran ahead and I lost sight of him, but then I found him sniffing around a pile of leaves and saw the hand poking out.  I realised it was the body of an old woman. I phoned the police straightaway and waited for them to arrive. They put a tent around the body, and then a haggard looking world-weary cop turned up to take over and wind-up the forensics team’.
The Chief Superintendent in charge of the crime scene said: ‘We thank this old man for contacting us but we will not be talking to him from now on, and even though he discovered the body, he is not a suspect and you won’t be seeing him again’.
‘At the moment we have no idea who the dead woman is but assume that the discovery of the body will be the start of a long and complex investigation. We suspect that the motive for the murder will have its roots in something that happened decades ago, possibly in a children’s home.
He concluded: ‘We would ask anyone who may know the dead person to come forward so that we may suspect them of not giving us the full story before offloading in an emotional denouement, at which point we will probably agree that the dead woman had it coming. For now I’ve passed the investigation over to a shambolic, divorced, middle-aged functioning alcoholic who deals with this sort of thing every week’.
bookiesfriend
Categories: Fake News
The Taliban – ‘Back in Black’
It is the rock reunion that they said would never happen, the world’s favourite boy band (definitely no girls allowed) ‘The Taliban’ are back on the road and setting Afghanistan alight. Their whistle-stop tour of abandoned U.S. military bases has delighted their fans and infuriated invading armies.
One groupie, who had had her burqa signed by the band, squealed with delight: ‘They played all the old favourites. And when I say old, we’re talking 700 B.C. We like our metal heavy and usually fired from an AK-47’
In the end, Afghans just found the sound of Western democracy rather bland, complained one disgruntled U.S. General: ‘There’s nothing wrong with John Denver’. Meanwhile, The Taliban will be playing all the major cities and with a supporting line-up that includes ‘a large can of Whoopass’.
Said one band member: ‘Many assumed it was drugs and drink that caused us to split, but we’re not that kind of group. We actually split over artistic differences – none of us approved of any art from the last two hundred years. That said, we’ve buried the hatchet now – in our enemy’s skull’.
Categories: Fake News
