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Man in empty restaurant toilet can’t decide which urinal to use
Friends are becoming increasingly concerned for a man who visited the restaurant toilet over 20 minutes ago, unaware that he remains unable to commit to any one of the seven available urinals. Colin Dobson is getting a right sweat on and an increasingly agitated bladder, as he attempts to narrow down his choices to enable him to perform the normal bodily function of urine excretion.
We have exclusive access into Colin’s inner thought process: ‘Right. Think about this logically. If someone enters mid-stream which is the least-weirdest urinal to be using?’
‘Okay. Not the ones right at each end, obviously. That just looks like I don’t want them to catch the slightest glimpse of my penis due to its smallness, or some hideous abnormality or they think I’m pretending to wee while I wait to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Good. We’re making progress. Not the middle one, obviously. That’s just basically, ‘come and look at my enormous wanger while I wazz like an excessively hydrated race horse.’
‘That leaves two on either side. Hmmm. Any of those makes me look like I’m trying too hard to hide my small/hideous and/or enormous junk and/or that I’m just pretending because I’m waiting to meet a stranger for sex.’
‘Right. Cubicle it is. Wait, what are you thinking? People will think I’m having a number two is way worse.’
‘B*llocks!’
One friend commented: ‘Yep, he’s still in there. If I had to guess, when washing his hands, he accidentally splashed himself in a way that makes him look like he’s wee’d himself, and so he’s busy trying to manoeuvre his groin area into the air dryer.’
‘Am I right?’
Categories: Fake News
Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation
People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.
Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.
Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.
Categories: Fake News
Ear wax “endlessly fascinating” confirms Lancashire man
Jack Pickles of Blackpool has explained to his wife that the wax, and other items, pulled from his ears are things of incredible interest.
Mrs Pickles explained the revelation; “Whatever’s going on; eating meals, watching TV or just chatting, if Jack finds something on his finger that’s come out his his ear, he has to examine it. I’m sure he’s got a collection somewhere.”
Mr Pickles denied having a collection, although he admitted it was “a cracking idea.”
Mrs Pickles has recently filed for divorce after the giant screen at a sports event showed him comparing two lumps and discussing them with the man next door.
Categories: Fake News
Man distraught after discovering ‘wedding breakfast’ isn’t a posh fry-up
Paul Smith from Eastleigh is now entering the fifth day of a sulk, after discovering too late that a wedding breakfast isn’t the ‘fry up in a tux’ he had been both imagining and looking forward to since receiving his invitation eight months prior.
The 23 year-old shop assistant had never been invited to a wedding before, so was both surprised and delighted to discover that his friends would be celebrating their matrimony with a cooked breakfast followed by a champagne reception.
‘I genuinely thought they were recreating our ‘Spoons breakfast with a pint’ student days, but in a more upmarket fashion.’ says Paul. ‘You can imagine my surprise then, when someone put a plate of potato fondant and some piped pink prawn rubbish sprinkled with grass in front of me. I was so cross. I had even turned down paying the extra tenner at the Premier Inn for breakfast that morning so I could save myself for the wedding breakfast. What a crock of shite.’
Despite being ‘the worst day of [his] life’ the occasion took an unexpected positive turn for the 23 year-old.
‘On the plus side, during the speeches, one of the bridesmaids mistook my tears of bitterness and loathing for me being in touch with my emotional side and found it super attractive, so we went back to my hotel.’ said Paul. ‘Let’s just say, at least there was one of us who wasn’t disappointed by a lack of sausage.’
Categories: Fake News
DUP: ‘Away an catch yerselves on! We’re not irrelevant crackpots, so we’re not!’
A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP’s parliamentary party.
Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place – the 14th century – was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.
However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.
‘Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we’re as relevant today as we’ve ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members’ bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.
‘We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá… no… hang on a minute… erm… ah ballix to it!’
Categories: Fake News
Experts say gold coins found under St Pauls are first example of Cryptcurrency
Categories: Fake News
Raab see Exit?
Categories: Fake News
European Central Bank and English Cricket Board have thumb war over who keeps acronym
Categories: Fake News
Britain leaves Eurovision song contest while Australia applies to join EU
The UK government has insisted that voters in the referendum on leaving the EU would have understood it to extend to the Eurovision song contest. Representatives insisted Britain could go it alone in creating a “bolder, camper and culturally deficit version of a song contest”, and didn’t need cooperation with other countries to achieve that, saying it’s domestic supply was ample.
Meanwhile Australia’s recent entry into the Eurovision song contest has been seen as an important first step in Australia’s application to gain EU membership. A source close to the EU revealed: “It makes sense. At any point half the Australian 18-25 population is back-packing in Europe while 50% of highly qualified European university graduates are picking fruit in Australia. And since Britain has left our quota of crony capitalist fossil fuelled militarily-industrial states is at historically low levels”.
However, the source added that before it will consider Australia’s application, the country must improve it’s human rights record for Aboriginals and asylum seekers, reduce systemic racism, reduce it’s extinction rate and actually have a climate change policy beyond “the coal industry told us to say this”.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister whose name no-one can remember said that “these were inseparable parts of our 120 year old national Australian culture, so don’t ask us to change them”.
When asked to elaborate on Australia’s non-existent climate change policy the spokesperson added “digging things out the ground and selling them to the rest of the world has been the basis of our economy for 120 years. Oh, that and sheep. It’s not like we’ve got a limitless supply of sunshine and tidal power that we could harness to export renewable energy, we’re not that fortunate. We’ll just have to stick to being the world’s largest coal exporter as we can’t think of any other options. Don’t read this bit out but finish by making some off-hand comment about how harmless coal mining is. Oh whoops”.
Hat-tip Sir Lupus
Categories: Fake News
Dominic Raab planning to invade Europe from his Li-Lo
Following the government’s successful orderly withdrawal from Afghanistan, planned from holiday beaches adorned by Prime Minister Johnson and Foreign Secretary Raab, the government has confirmed that military decisions are in future to be taken while on holiday.
‘The pressure and typically abysmal lighting in war rooms just creates a morose atmosphere, leading to rush decisions involving troops, whereas considering deploying soldiers while enjoying happy hour on a sun-kissed beach helps put everything into perspective,’ said a spokesman for the Foreign Secretary. ‘So we thought “f@*k it, let’s just travel to tourist destinations and chill while we determine the appropriate action to take when our interests are attacked, or our allies do us over.’ He confirmed that pushing the nuclear button would feel ‘much more fun while sipping pina coladas’.
Opposition MPs reluctantly agreed that there’s no point in Raab being the Foreign Secretary unless he is permanently overseas. ‘Might as well be on permanent holiday, for all the use he is,’ said one MP.
Categories: Fake News
Dad arrested for dancing the Macarena
A 45 year old man who became an internet sensation for dancing the Macarena at a family barbecue has been arrested by authorities.
Father of three, Simon Reynolds is being questioned after being accused of ‘improper behaviour’ in a back garden in Jedburgh, a statement said.It is not clear what his motive was or if he will be formally charged by police, though a spokesman said that alcohol may well have been involved.
The clip of Mr Reynolds has somewhat divided opinions on social media: while some users have defended the man and even called him a ‘hero’, others, including his children, suggested his behaviour was ‘mental’ and ‘a total embarrassment’.
Last month in the town, a middle aged woman was arrested for ‘dabbing’ in a branch of Claire’s Accessories.
Categories: Fake News
Degree in Domestic Recycling Arrangements launched
Following the launch of a new Recycle More initiative, domestic recycling arrangements are now so complicated that Universities are offering degrees in the subject. The courses are designed to provide students with the skills and knowledge required to understand the bewildering complexity of the range of items that can be recycled via what council-supplied receptacle on what day of the week.
‘The days of simply putting old newspapers out in a separate pile from the rest of the rubbish are a long way behind us now,’ explained Andrew Godwin, Professor of Reprocessing and Repurposing. ‘We need to analyse each item of refuse in turn and make a decision on which of the seven recycling bins is most appropriate for that item, based on an ever-developing set of complicated criteria. Make a mistake and Marks & Spencer’s staff will have no fleeces to wear, that’s how serious this is.’
The course will cover why you can recycle aluminium foil in one county but not the neighbouring one, the reason for keeping bottle tops on in certain regions but not in others, and the difference between thick paper and thin cardboard. The final year of the course will concentrate on the recycling of plastics, providing students with the expertise to determine whether that crinkly plastic tray is classified as a plastic tray, which can be recycled, or an item made of crinkly plastic, which can’t. It will also explain that, however well you attempt to follow all the recycling instructions, recycling workers maintain the right to take what they feel like and leave the rest scattered haphazardly over the pavement.
The ultimate aim of the course is to inspire everyone to recycle more as the amount of recycled material currently varies enormously from house to house, something that Professor Godwin is keen to address. ‘It is no good claiming to be green but only recycling an empty jar of Marmite once every three weeks,’ he said. ‘Personally, my bins are absolutely full of empty Stella cans and wine bottles every week, but I can’t save the planet by myself.’
Categories: Fake News
New fifty pound note too heavy to lift
Categories: Fake News
Raab to go by the weekend…..back to Crete.
Categories: Fake News
Man celebrates after beating ‘going the wrong way through Ikea’ world record
A Daventry man was celebrating today after beating the world record time for going from an Ikea checkout all the way back to the entrance area.
Pete McBride, 44, achieved a new world best mark of 2 hours 22 minutes for the ‘going against the traffic’ feat, after fighting his way through heavy crowds and trolleys heading fatally towards him in his local Ikea, as well as blatantly ignoring the one-way arrows painted all over the floor.
The record was all the more impressive, as the record was achieved at peak time on a Saturday afternoon when the store was rammed, compared to previous best times which have all taken place at ‘altitude’ conditions of 9am on a Monday morning when stores are nearly empty.
‘I didn’t go with the intention of breaking the record’, admitted McBride. ‘I’d just gone in with my son to pick up a few essential Lacks and Billys for him to take to University.’
‘But then we got to the checkout and I realised we’d forgotten a few odd sized and quirkily-named airtight containers back near the start of the store. My son offered to go back, but he’s got his whole future ahead of him. I know it should be me. I had my trainers on, so I did a few stretches, took some deep breaths and gave it a go’.
‘Things started off ok. It was busy, for sure, with plenty of dawdlers, and the usual hazards of people staring at Pax units, ludicrously imagining some kind of brighter, clutter-free idyll’, continued McBride. ‘By the time I got that overpowering reverse-waft of meatballs at the cafe at the half-way point, I knew the record was on.’
‘I did have a close shave when I collided with someone manically opening and closing the drawers of a Hemnes cabinet. I’m sure those guys are planted there in every store’, continued McBride. ‘I also had to use one of the pretend toilets in their mocked up apartments back near the start too. There were no bog rolls unfortunately so I had to use one of those little pieces of paper that you write the warehouse locations of your items on. I had to tell a family to give it 15 minutes before they went back in there.’
After beating the record, McBride and his son were able to do a lap of honour of the store – in the right direction, of course – and they celebrated by picking up a few packs of tea-lights and some light bulbs that they weren’t sure would fit into any lamps that they owned.
McBride now has his sights set on achieving the elusive Triple Crown of ‘reverse’ retail store feats, never held simultaneously by the same person. Alongside the ‘going the wrong way through Ikea’ record, this includes the ‘Slowest full-trolley Aldi checkout’ (currently 2 minutes 25 seconds) and the ‘Longest time after entering Oak Furnitureland before you get approached for a sale’ (currently 0.02 seconds).
Categories: Fake News
World Leader Constantine III issues warning on troop withdrawal
Roman Emperor Constantine III briefed reporters today on the planned troop withdrawal from Britannia. He said:-
“We are proud have having brought peace and civilisation to an island full of pagan euro-sceptics. However, with the current Empire balance of payments crisis, we can no longer afford to spaff 10m denarii a year up against Hadrians Wall, even if it does keep out the very worst of the barbarians.
When we leave, Britannia must not become a breeding ground for terrorism, or heaven forbid, badly behaving football supporters.
I called a meeting of Cobra but it just hissed and tried to bite me. I intend to recall the Senate to approve my decision. Ha ha only joking – they will do whatever I tell ‘em.”
Categories: Fake News
Small Talkers Ready For Spate Of Conversations About The Nights Drawing In
Despite it happening every year with measurable regularity, and sunrise and sunset times having been published in almanacs for hundreds of years, people who like small talk are beginning to have one of their favourite conversations, the one about the nights drawing in.
Small talk fan Trevor Brown likes to start off with ‘It was light at nine o’clock a couple of weeks ago’, then proceed to say ‘The kids will be back at school soon.’
His neighbour who prefers medium to big talk responds with a half-hearted ‘It’s darker in the mornings too’, because it so obviously and predictably is, it can be no other way. Trevor grins and says it’ll be dark when he puts the bins out next week.
His neighbour nods, feeling he’s done his end of this highly formulaic conversation now. Trevor ends with ‘Christmas will be here before we know it’, delivered with a sort of eye roll as if Christmas thunders at him out of the blue rather than being a constant calendar feature. Trevor intends to enjoy the nights drawing in chat as much as he can because Easter next year is neither early nor late.
Categories: Fake News
