Feed aggregator
Premier League refs to allow more physical play.
Amongst those delighted with this decision is Sandy Ballsover – Artistic Director for FADA – the Football Academy for the Dramatic Arts.
“This is great news” gushed Sandy. “It means that the methods we teach for conning the ref – sorry I meant appealing for the obviously correct decision – are more important than ever. We can offer a whole range of training classes for the Sunday morning pub team clogger right up to the English International clogger. Amongst the many skills we can develop are:-
•Falling like a ton of bricks if an opponent’s boot gets anywhere near a leg, rolling around on the ground as if the leg has been remove just below the hip. Subsequently getting up and running the length of the pitch in just under 10 seconds.
•If fouled – and following the above performance, the opponent gets red / yellow carded, adopting a rueful grin and trying to shake his hand.
•Having finally been red-carded for a series of tackles which anywhere else would result in a jail sentence, leaving the pitch with eyes downcast and sadly shaking the head – think Mother Teresa.
•Utilising the Larry Olivier thespian techniques whilst having a measured, philosophical discussion with the ref – eyes widened, mouth open (and ideally spittle flecked) and both arms held in the John McEnroe pose. Also undertaking rigorous research beforehand to uncover a swear word not used previously.
•Practicing spitting accuracy to ensure a well developed gob lands millimetres away from the ref’s / linemen’s boot.
•Generous applauding the home supporters after yet another home loss. Ironically applauding the away supporters after an unprecedented away win.”
Asked if the Academy taught any actual football skills, Sandy giggled and said “don’t be silly darling!”
Image by Phillip Kofler from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Dating app user freaks out after receiving normal message
Sarah Paulley, a beauty therapist from Chester, has finally recovered from the shock of receiving a normal message from a man on a dating app.
The 22-year old was browsing the app one evening after work in the vague hope that her prince charming would appear when she least expected it.
‘I was scrolling through all of my messages like I usually do of an evening: Unsolicited dick pic, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if I’m up for no-strings fun, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me for a picture of my feet, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if I will birth his children from my ample hips, dick pic, dick pic, someone who has a picture of himself with his mum, dick pic, and so on and so forth’ said Sarah, ‘Y’know, the norm.’
‘Then, there it was! A regular message from a nice-looking chap called Connor. He didn’t have any serial killer vibes, mentions of dealing weed, or photos of him passed out with ‘prick’ written on his head, and the message itself was charming, witty, and ended with a question about my music taste. I was so shocked that I closed my account and deleted the app.’
‘Maybe I should re-establish my profile and reply to him like a normal human being, without using the laughing emoji accompanied by the subtext of please don’t find out where I live‘ said Sarah.
‘Although to be honest, I’ll probably just wait until I’m confident he’s moved on so I can return to my comfort zone of weirdos and sexually frustrated mechanics.’
Categories: Fake News
Burger sales treble after McDonald’s announces they’ve run out of gherkins. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Stone dead. RIP
Categories: Fake News
Brexit chokes the chicken supply chain
Nando’s is without chicken and McDonald’s without milkshakes because of supply chain issues, including a Brexistential shortage of HGV drivers.
A spokeschicken for Nando’s crossed the road, clucking that ‘Dominic Raab couldn’t have phoned Afghanistan to save the interpreters because he was on the phone to us, ordering lemon and herb but “not too spicy”. All we could give him was some lettuce and a moist towelette.’
A Foreign Office flunky denied this, saying ‘Dom always orders Extra Hot, because he’s a big brave boy. If he’s good and finishes all his phone calls, he’ll get a milkshake from McDonald’s.’
A Department of Transport spokesdriver, clearly Grant Shapps wearing a fake moustache, stuck an elbow out of a lorry window, articulating a possible solution to the lack of drivers: ‘For the first 8 hours you’re driving as Michael Green. Then for the next 8 hours you keep cruising as Sebastian Fox. Then another 8 hours behind the wheel as Corinne Stockheath – might need a little lipstick there. You can keep on trucking indefinitely with no safety implications. And you can honk the big horn. Toot toot. I’ve never felt so alive!’
HGV driver Ian Ingram said ‘Covid had really cut down on the prostitute and hitchhiker murdering that my alter ego “Stabby Steve” enjoys. Sometimes he wears their lipstick afterwards. Also, sorry about any Haribo shortages. “Stabby Steve” needs the sugar after all the murdering. The last one looked a bit like Grant Shapps in drag.’
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Taliban forbid all forms of music apart from the Stones
“We love the Stones, rolling or otherwise”, said top Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar.
“Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are just like us. Prancing long hair and massive drug users. We played ‘Not Fade Away’ when we drove through the gates of Kabul, ‘Tumbling Lice’ when we get around to having our haircuts and of course ‘Street Fighting Man’ is our all time favourite.
“All other forms of music are now officially shit and strictly forbidden. You can keep all that rubbish like the Beatles and their terrible sixties songs about western military imperialism, such as Yellow Submarine and that Sergeant Pepper chap”.
“In fact my brother Ron always preferred David Bowie. He’d go around all day singing ‘Rubble Rubble’ while shooting at women until we stoned the little bastard to death for being a rock heretic”.
Categories: Fake News
PornHub to ban porn
In a move that has shocked the world of sweaty-palmed men the popular adult website PornHub has announced it will be banning all forms of pornography at the end of the month in the hopes it will encourage people to use the site more.
“It’s something we’ve been thinking of doing for a while” said CEO Max Hardon. “We think the idea of logging onto a computer, making sure your wife has left to visit her mother and then finding a video of that fetish she won’t let you do is so cliche. We want to embrace new forms of explicit media, like full-on gardening videos or erotic needlework. It is our belief that we will thrive in this new world, and it’ll only be a matter or time before all those other sites follow.”
This news was welcomed with dismay by users of the site. Regular visitor David Malcolm of Kidderminster Road in Truro (who requested not to be identified) said “This is ridiculous, how am I meant to get myself off now. My girlfriend left me two years ago and I can’t afford an escort. I’ll have to go back to buying FHM and… wait, that doesn’t exist anymore either?! F**K!”
WatcherMark
Categories: Fake News
‘Trump’ season finale set to be explosive
It has been hailed as the greatest drama in the Fox Network’s history: a flawed genius unravelling before our very eyes.
“The writing is exquisite” said 50s throwback Mark Kermode. “His decline from uber-demanding chief to senile, petulant weakling is something we’ve never seen before. Maybe ‘Downfall’ came close but this has been a multimedia experience. The tweets, the bitchy press conferences, it’s been immersive. Trump’s performances have been impeccable”.
The show was the brainchild of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, previously best known for the creation of ‘Blair’, a show which seems parochial by comparison. Also, Trump’s on-screen wife is hotter than Cherie and might actually make a good hate character for Season 2, assuming Murdoch commissions another season.
“There’s certainly enough material”, said Kermode. “All the people he’s thrown under the bus, any one of them might come after him now he’s weak. There’s the whole ‘did he pay Russian prostitutes to pee on him in bed?’ storyline. Stormy Daniels. The fake Covid cures. If America’s victims turn into zombies, what a spectacle that would be – 170,000 zombies – even CGI would struggle with that”.
Season 1 has seen a steady decline in Trump’s faculties and his growing paranoia about voter fraud. What does the season finale hold? With an uncertain election in November followed by two more months in the White House, maybe we should look to one of Trump’s catchphrases:
“You always knew I had these nukes”.
Categories: Fake News
Airline under fire for duct taping a passenger, switches to Pritt Stick policy
A major airline has suffered the harrowing indignation of an online backlash for duct taping an unruly passenger to restrain them. Mindful of the bad PR, unprofessional look, and sticky situation of the circumstances, they have rewritten their onboard policy for handling extreme in-flight situations.
The airline in question has opted for a lighter touch by advising staff to use a zero tolerance Pritt Stick protocol, with additional Blu Tack if needed. In very serious cases, an escalation to a thorough plastering of troublemakers with Post-it Notes might be required.
This flies in the face of what decent, law-of-the-skies-abiding passengers actually want. One regular flier with more Air Miles than sense said, “If I am on a flight and some nitwit tries to open an emergency exit, then blunt plastic cutlery ain’t going to cut it. I want the crew to pile right in on them immediately and use a Jason Statham level of force. They can lash them with ‘for demonstration purposes only’ seat belts, and stuff stale inflight buns in their mouths – whatever it takes get ’em under control and shut them up. If a ‘not to be inflated in the cabin’ life vest needs to be blown up with the top-up tube while it is inserted in their bunghole, then so be it.”
An unnamed budget Airline which rarely deposits passengers anywhere near where they actually want to go has confirmed that any customer requiring restraint will incur an £80 surcharge for the duct tape.
Categories: Fake News
Wedding guests bullied into giving cash not gifts with angry poem in invitation
Guests attending the wedding of lovebirds Anna and Jamie have been explicitly instructed to supply cash to the happy couple NOT physical gifts – with a charming but angry poem in the invitation.
Rebecca is an old friend of Anna’s and went to a cash point as soon as she got her invite through despite the actual wedding being several months away: ‘I already have the money in an envelope ready to go. I’m terrified I’ll forget it. I’m not sure what the penalty is for late payment and I don’t want want to find out. Normally I would find it a bit rude if a friend demanded money from me but because they put it in a cute semi-rhyming poem on high quality embossed card I can’t hold it against them. It reads as follows:
We can’t wait to spend our special day with you,
But please let us give you a little tip or two,
Having you there on our wedding day,
Is all we really need, but please let us say:
We don’t want your shite gifts
We want cold hard CASH you can shove all those b*llocks wedding gifts up your arse we don’t want them if you’re coming to eat and drink in 5* luxury at our expense the least you can do is give us £100 for the privilege you tight b*stards.
Carriages at midnight. RSVP to wewantcash@hotmail.com‘.
The happy couple are planning a honeymoon in Barbados with their winnings where they want to thank their benefactors by posting a series of smug pictures on Instagram followed with #blessed. When they return they are considering buying their first house so are already planning an extravagant anniversary party with a similar money extortion sub-plot.
Categories: Fake News
Schools needing a CO2 monitor to be provided with a canary
The means of monitoring ventilation and the spread of Covid is only one small, yellow bird away according to Government research. Should the bird turn blue and drop off their perch, it will explain why all the schoolchildren are blue and lying unconscious under their desks.
The classroom will be evacuated and designated as an appropriately sized office space or a ‘spacious London apartment’. The students will then be moved to a smaller classroom to recover, but one with no annoying bird in it – or windows.
This cost saving measure will cut the expense of actual monitors and has no connection whatsoever with the fact the Education Secretary’s best friend from Uni runs a Canary Farm. Meanwhile the new coal mine in Cumbria will be fitted with small primary age children, in cages. Should the children turn blue and drop off their perch…
Categories: Fake News
Inventor of electric trouser press to be buried in coffin two inches deep. More soon
Categories: Fake News
New TV satire show entirely for Snowflakes, That Was The Woke That Was. More later
Categories: Fake News
DDoS activists ‘think they are so funny’
The NewsBiscuit tech team, analysts and spin doctors have spent the whole of Sunday evening up until medication and cocoa time attempting to resolve what appears to be yet another Dedicated Denial of Service (DDoS) upon NewsBiscuit.
Not everyone thinks this is the work of disenchanted hackers looking for easy prey. ‘It’s a conspiracy,’ said a conspiracy theory expert. ‘Everyone knows all conspiracy theories are started by the government,’ citing ‘Brexit’ and ‘Johnson apparently being a Prime Minister’ as examples, which seemed evidence enough. ‘You guys are always going after Raaaaab the Foreign Secretaaaaary, and Priti, please, Patel, so why wouldn’t they try to shut you down?’
Others think it is simpler than that. ‘It’s the Top Ten algorithm – it’s become sentient, gone rogue,’ said one contributor who didn’t want his name being released. ‘let’s just say, I’m always at number eleven,’ he grumbled.
Another suspect is Apostrophe Rebellion, AR. ‘It’s obviously the AR’s work – er, ARs’ work. Let’s just put it down to AR,’ said an expert.
Some believe the outage was caused by Biscuiteers themselves, panic downloading their whole writing history before the current site switches to the new site. ‘It was fine until Titus started,’ said one insider. ‘Fifteen terabytes of tickers that have never been used.’
‘It was never like this when JoF was in charge,’ accused one disgruntled Biscuiteer. ‘He’d go in with all guns blazing. Now they’ll probably just write a half arsed front page and carry on as if nothing happened.’
However, most experts believe it was DDOS activists, pubescent hackers without a life targeting middle aged men without a life. ‘We’re not so different,’ mused one Biscuiteer, ‘if they think they are so funny, why don’t they try writing for NewsBiscuit instead?’
Categories: Fake News
‘Desperate for love’ London woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner
A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told a local newspaper that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.
Speaking to The East London Gazette, Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, said: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.
“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.
“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.
“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.
“We would seize stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.
“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.
“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.
“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”
Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told the newspaper: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and panting, but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”
Categories: Fake News
