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Men’s brains unable to recognise shades of colour like beige or elephant’s breath, say scientists
Since the dawn of time, women have struggled to understand why men are incapable of seeing colours like desert breeze, peach dream or camomile snow. They have long suspected men are being deliberately obstructive or just plain stupid. But ground breaking research shows beyond doubt that men’s brains are wired to see only one kind of white. The scientific term for the white that men can see is known as ‘white’, while the medical term for the condition they suffer from is ‘off-white deficiency syndrome.’
Terry Williams, a 38-year-old accountant, who was shopping for paint with his wife at B&Q in Kidderminster, said: ‘When I look at duck-whisper paint, all I see is white. It’s such a relief to know I have a serious brain disorder and it’s not my fault. So now, when my wife asks if I’d prefer a blizzard-white or an autumn spray, I can simply say ‘who gives a fuck?’ without being attacked with a bread knife.’
His wife Carole agreed, adding: ‘I’ve been divorced six times because of arguments about shades of paint and fabric. When I ask him to buy something in beige, he always comes back with something in hessian, which isn’t quite the same. I go ballistic and throw plates at him. Men just don’t understand how important it is. A mint cloud is totally, utterly, and absolutely different to a mint cream, as every woman knows.’
Scientists were first alerted to a possible link between testosterone and poor interior design skills by studying the prehistoric cave paintings of Lascaux. The paintings depict hunters chasing bison and woolly mammoths. The successful hunters are painted in beige with lemon-yellow arrows and puce spears, whereas unsuccessful hunters are depicted in warm terracotta, being clubbed to death and dismembered. It is now thought the paintings were done by cavewomen as a ritual warning to their menfolk to make sure that their hunts were properly colour-coordinated.
Myke
Categories: Fake News
Bin collections to switch to once a year
There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, after it was announced waste disposal contractors have been given the green light by local authorities to change household waste collections from a schedule of fortnightly to once a year.
CEO of French waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since you Brits sold off waste disposal to City spivs and wide-boys who zen sold it to us, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. Zerefore from January 1st, bins will be collected once a year.
‘So what, if ze householders suffer a much worse service? This is la privatisation, non? We make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’
A spokesman for one council wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads our carbon footprint and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.
‘And even if some squalor-related illness reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay when you consider the overall benefits to our environment. And anyway, we’ve got antibiotics these days so what’s the problem? Bubonic Plague, should it resurface, will not be an issue worth worrying about.
‘There will be no more petty squabbles between couples over whose turn it is to put out the rubbish. They will simply adopt a system of husbands one year and wives the next. All those tiffs of the past will be consigned to the dustbin.’
photo by bluebudgie @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
M&S to stop selling suits, almost 20 years after it sold its last one
The end of an era and the end a terrible business model, has come to an end. Marks & Spencer has finally conceded that selling one suit every twenty years is unsustainable, even if you get the customer to buy a matching tie.
The suits are now consigned to the bargain bin of high street folklore; along with buying Betamax tapes from Blockbuster and lead-coated toys from Woolworths. In a recent poll, customers cited the top three reasons for why they might wear a M&S suit were – a funeral, a court appearance and a dare
Their last customer was a Mr. Malcolm Durrant (57), who had purchased a particularly fetching three-piece beige suit, back in 2001. The Head of Sales explained: ‘We’d been holding out for a follow up sale. Therefore, when Mr. Durrant walked back in, twenty years later, we thought we’re back in business. All the staff were whooping and doing high fives. We thought we might even shift a pair of socks. So, imagine our disappointment when he tried to return said suit, ridiculously claiming it had never been worn’,
Commented Mr. Durrant: ‘It hadn’t’.
photo: fudowakira @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Ant and Dec added to list of proscribed organisations
In a surprise move, it was announced today cheeky Geordie duo, Ant & Dec, have been added to the list of proscribed organisations from September.
A spokesman for the Department of Digital Culture, Media and Sport said: ‘Something has to be done. Their brand of yeasty banter and faux blokiness has been allowed to fester and must be stopped. They have long outstayed their welcome and are becoming irritating beyond all belief.
‘I’m amazed that Noel Edmonds has not brought a legal action against them for blatantly ripping off his “House Party” and rebranding it as risible drivel, “Saturday Night Takeaway.
‘Their hopeless antics ought to have been curtailed years ago, but still, better late than never. If they appear on our TV screens again they will be arrested.’
It’s understood Phillip Schofield, Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon (Leigh Francis) have consulted lawyers to ensure they don’t suffer a similar fate.’
However, one showbiz legal expert commented: ‘I think these three are swimming against the tide, as it looks as if this utterly incompetent government is going to finally do something that can be applauded by all sections of the public.’
Categories: Fake News
Sturgeon self-isolating, or as she prefers to call it “ultimate independence”.
Categories: Fake News
City resigned as United re-sign Ronaldo
Categories: Fake News
Men welcome morning-after pill for things you wish you hadn’t said
There was a cautious welcome yesterday for news that over-the-counter sales of a new morning-after pill will go ahead. The pill, which reverses the effects of misconceived comments before they grow and eventually acquire a life of their own, is mainly aged at men aged 25 to 55 and is said to be almost completely effective.
The pill works by making the patient do whatever is necessary to counteract what he said the night before in a passionate moment of unprotected speech. It can even work before the first giveaway twinges of embarrassment are felt or reproachful texts start to come in.
Les Freitag, Sales Director at manufacturers Wizer, said, ‘Take Steve from Marketing, who after a few drinks on Friday night declares his undying love to Wendy from Compliance. When he gets home to face his angry wife, he insults her looks and breeding before saying he is leaving her for Wendy. When he eventually wakes up on the sofa and also recalls abusing his boss, he realises it’s too late for precautions, the seeds have all been planted.’
Freitag explained how Steve would take one of the new pills before phoning a relieved Wendy to apologise for his appalling behaviour. Instead of ineffective tongue-tied regret he withdraws his lovelorn declarations but agrees to satisfy all her compliance demands in future, exchanging a doomed fling for a long-term, casual relationship of cold, mechanical and blissful sex. This pill would taste sweet, as would the one making him text his boss to say his remark had only been a clumsy opener to what he really wanted to say, which was that the new branding initiatives were terrific and how about a bonus.
The third pill would be very bitter and hard to swallow, even after Steve had removed his foot from his mouth, but would stop him making things even worse by joking he’d been so drunk he thought she was her mother, instead committing to a Champneys membership and a week in Dubai accompanied by said mother.
While the normally reactionary Mail welcomed the development, Cosmopolitan said it would discourage men from taking sensible precautions and they should learn to say ‘no’, a view supported by pro-wife campaigners who said that the ability to reverse misspeaking episodes deprived women of the satisfaction of revenge using conventional means such as scissors and an expensive divorce.
The pill is even thought to be effective for politicians, with Freitag saying a certain cyclist would still be in a job had he taken his pill instead of throwing it at a passing pleb in a fit of arrogance when he thought nobody was looking.
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay documentary shelved after background music segments hit 12 hour mark
A much anticipated fly on the wall TV programme about the life and works of Coldplay has had to be controversially shelved, after it became impossible to distinguish the short soundbites of music that fade in and out to provide gravitas and meaning to key moments in a documentary from the actual greatest hits of the band.
‘We had a nice 2 hour documentary, covering the early years, the big stadium tours, the move to ‘art rock” noted producer Phil Jones. ‘The problem was when we handed it over to the editing team. Layering any sad moment, tough decision or resolution of a problem with a 30 second piece of Coldplay music has become the default in documentary making over the last fifteen years.’
‘We had a segment with Chris Martin struggling to complete the complex lyrics and melody in ‘Clocks’ and the music the editors placed over the top was Clocks,’ sighed Jones. ‘Footage of Jonny Buckland being wearily optimistic with the other members of the band about needing to add an extra track to A Rush of Blood to the Head: they suggested 30 seconds of ‘In My Place’ in the background. The band’s drum kit falling over and needing to be Fixed Up…well you can guess the rest.’
‘Segment music self-circularity is sadly increasingly common in pop’, noted musicologist Peter McVeigh. ‘For example, it is a little known fact that Keane have tried to split up a number of times due to falling royalties, only to be propped back up by the increased royalties from the segments of their ‘Everybody’s Changing’ anthem that are inevitably played in montages where they announce they are splitting up.’
‘Producers need to find ways to reduce the opportunities for music editors to gratuitously insert segments of Coldplay music into their documentaries’, noted McVeigh. ‘To be honest though, that really is The Hardest Part. My advice is Don’t Panic. And if you aren’t happy with the results, you really need to go back to Square One.’
image: fradellafra @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Desperate journalists stampede Wapping to denounce Biden
There were scenes of chaos outside the headquarters of News International and other newspapers in London as thousands of columnists descended on their offices, desperate to get space on their pages to denounce US president Joe Biden.
“I’ve never liked the Democrat Party,” said one right-wing pundit who had joined the swarm outside the doors of the Daily Mail and was clutching a piece of copy entitled ‘This shambling old peacenik is a disgrace’.
“I absolutely must persuade them to put this out so I can cash in on this orgy of hatred and derision for Sleepy Joe.”
“It’s nearly as pitiful as the scenes at Kabul airport,” said an exhausted sub-editor for the Daily Telegraph. “They’re screaming and hollering to get their pieces in but we’ve been overwhelmed by all the paperwork, and there’s no way we’ll be able to find space for them all before we pull out of this story.
“Some of the most ardently conservative columnists in Britain – our staunch allies over the past few years – have clearly been driven to distraction and are now completely hysterical. Look at this piece from Charles Moore. ‘America has lost its power and we’re all going to die’.
“It will take weeks to process all their submissions and tragically, there are thousands that we will have to consign to oblivion.”
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
God Endorses Kanye West, Refuses to Comment on Biden/Trump
Despite facing a busy day deciding which children in Africa will live past 12, God has decided to chime in on American politics and give his full endorsement to Kanye West.
The all mighty lord and saviour initially refused to comment on the Biden vs Trump race and proclaimed Kayne West is the only man capable of running the United States. This comes as no surprise as Kayne has previously stated ‘I’m like a vessel, and God has chosen me to be the voice and the connector’.
West previously announced his campaign for presidency on July 4th. He stated he will run for the Birthday Party, because ‘when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday’. West’s campaign has been described as having a ‘Republican leaning, pro-black religious platform’, which is a perfect platform for the lord.
God said ‘Kanye is the perfect man for the job because he doesn’t think too well and does what I say’. God refused to comment on the Biden and Trump campaigns. Sources are saying God saw both of them doing unmentionable acts to women.
West, who is most famous for being a musical genius with lyrics like ‘In a French ass restaurant, Hurry up with my damn croissants’ and ‘Brrat-tat-da-da-da-da Ga-ga-ga-ga’ will have a difficult time securing the nations top spot after failing to get the required number of signature for several states.
Anything is possible in this election and with the backing of God the Kanye campaign just might stand a chance. When asked what he thought of Gods endorsement Kayne stated ‘I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle’.
Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Camels welcome straw ban. More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Biden sends clear message to Taliban: ‘If you’re short of anything, just ask.’ More soon.
Categories: Fake News
Sunak reminds everyone it’s important to be rich already
As Chancellor Rishi Sunak prepares to cut Universal Credit, whilst building a swimming pool, gym and tennis court in the grounds of his grade II listed manor house, he was anxious to stress how important it is to remember to be rich. Not necessarily Scrooge McDuck rich, Grand Designs rich will do.
One of Sunak’s butlers said: ‘If you’re already rich, slashing benefits and social care spending doesn’t affect you. Rishi always says that people will have better lives if they are already incredibly rich. In order to level up, it really is important to be rich.’
Revoking the £20-a-week boost to Universal Credit will leave many lower income families struggling to make ends meet. However, Boris Johnson’s focus is on large scale infrastructure projects that he can put his name on, as opposed to actually helping people.
Another Sunak butler added: ‘The way to get Boris to pay attention is to throw in a bridge or two. He just loves a bridge, almost as much as he loves a bouncy Tory blonde half his age, and avoiding child support payments. Recently I’ve heard tell of bridges to Sodor, Arendelle, the Isle of Wight, Terebithia and one over the River Kwai.’
A social worker, who has worked in some of Britain’s poorest areas for many years looked intrigued: ‘A bridge to enable the poorest, most disadvantaged in society to access better benefits and social care? That would be fantastic! I would welcome that. You mean a metaphorical bridge, right? Right?’
Image by moneycortex from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast 5 now available
For free to download on Spotify and other podcast platforms. Or you can view it on YouTube at https://youtu.be/KwHTnm9lifE
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit.
Host: Wrenfoe
Featuring Guests: Kit Caboodle, Chipchase, Bernard Castle & Al O’Pecia.
August 2021
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Our book: https://tinyurl.com/ure669ss
Categories: Fake News
Raab Asks Everybody To Stop Speculating About His Resignation
In a public statement issued through the FCDO on Friday, Mr Raab has asked the Press and public to stop speculating about his resignation as he is currently on holiday and does not have time to address the questions and pressure. “As a keen paddle-boarder I like to spend as much on-board time as possible whilst vacationing and I need to focus on by board technique for the next couple of weeks not spend time finding excuses for what I’m really doing”.
Categories: Fake News
Amazon forest fires could devastate Bake Off warn Channel 4
The forest fires currently raging across parts of the Amazon could have a devastating effect on the new series of Bake Off, the head of Channel 4 entertainment warned today. Fires in the Amazon rainforest have been burning out of control for several weeks, putting supplies of dried cassava, tucupi and red cochineal in short supply.
‘Some essential ingredients used by the Bake Off chefs could dry up completely if the fires continue to rage out of control’, warned a spokesperson for show maker Love Productions.
Creative director Jason Beesley said that some of the chefs lined up for the new series have already considering pulling out of the event. ‘One chef said that if he can’t get his hands on a brace of macaweira hog plums then his signature dish would simply be ruined and appearing on the show would be pointless’, noted Beasley.
Some Bake Off chefs are blaming the Brazilian people, calling them selfish and lazy saying they are not doing enough to safeguard the sort of essential baking ingredients needed to put on a top TV show like Bake Off.
‘I don’t think they realise how much hard work and effort goes into producing a show like Bake Off’. said contestant Jay Tranter. ‘This is important…surely they can get a couple of fires under control.’
‘They need to sort those fires out soon or the Christmas and New Year specials could be ruined’ continued Tranter. ‘Those Brazilian farmers should not be allowed to stand by and watch their crops burn down. Not when it puts something as important as Bake Off at risk’.
BBC producers also warned that the rainforest fires could affect the new series of Strictly.
‘Most of the sequins we use on our ballgowns are made in Brazil’, said one producer. ‘Some of the chalk we use on the dance floors also comes from the region. Strictly contestants can’t really be expected to dance an authentic Carimbo Capoeia if the sequins are made outside Brazil. These things matter’.
Fans of the show say they will be devastated if silly little forest fires are allowed to ruin their Saturday night entertainment. One tearful Bake Off fan even threatened to let her vagina hair grow out saying she was fully prepared to go naked on a beach without waxing.
‘I think they call it re-wilding or something’, said the fan; I read something about it on Facebook….where you let the bushes grow back again’.
Image by congerdesign from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
