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iPhone5s buyers directed straight to queue for iPhone6
Excited buyers of Apple’s flagship new iPhone5S in Oxford Street were delighted to be directed straight to an exclusive queue for the iPhone 6 immediately after their purchase.
‘The new iPhone 5S isn’t just the greatest smartphone of all time. It’s also your ticket to get first in line for the new iPhone 6,’ said store manager Damian Walsh, ushering new owners of the £549 gadget to the start of a five-mile obstacle course of tensile barriers on a circuitous route back to the front of the store, which will be their home for the next year. ‘Sure, the queue has no food, shelter, or toilet facilities. But did Steve Jobs stop to worry about those things when he was creating the legend that is Apple?’
Clutching his still-boxed iPhone5S, which cost him half of his month’s salary, Apple devotee Craig Flack commented: ‘Wow! I spent four days queuing in the pouring rain to get my hands on the iPhone5S, but I never dreamed that I’d get the added bonus of being one of the first to queue up to purchase the iPhone 6! Come to think of it, I’m a little embarrassed to be seen with this now outdated model.’ Flack was later seen holding his head in his hands and tossing an unopened white package into a nearby bin, before hurrying off to join the rapidly growing queue, which industry analysts believe will remain in situ for at least the next year while Apple design and manufacture the device.
Asked what he thought about customers who declined the offer to queue up immediately after their purchase for the sixth edition of the iPhone, Walsh commented: ‘Whatever. They’ll be sorry in two months’ time when the screen on their iPhone5S has cracked, their apps are no longer supported and the battery life has reduced to half an hour. Then we’ll see how cool they look with their so called ‘smartphones’. Dickheads.’
Categories: Fake News
ITV 2 in highbrow archaeology show shock
Media experts have been left reeling today after ITV 2 announced it is to commission and broadcast a new show that will examine famous archaeological sites and what we learnt from them.
A channel spokesman said: ‘We thought we’d try something a little different as an experiment. Some say it’s time to spread our wings and grow up as a broadcaster.’
But twenty something couple Jayden and Shaneece Reece from Tooting aren’t happy at the prospect of watching a programme that’s neither a docusoap nor “reality” show on their channel of choice.
‘We like fings like TOWIE and Made in Chelsea, yeah? We don’t know naffink about Egyptian mummies and old Romans ruins, and that,’ said Shaneece. ‘Although if the show’s makers could guarantee lots of tits and bums somehow and maybe introduce a phone-in voting system I’d be up for giving it a go,’ added Jayden.
However ITV 2 has been quick to reassure its core audience the normal torrent of tasteless and tawdry shite will still make up 99.99% of the channels output.
‘I can assure our viewers that we are not about to go all arty-farty and highbrow on them. This is something we are trying, just to ring the changes and maybe help keep Ofcom at bay,’ said the spokesman.
‘In addition to the new archaeology show we have commissioned a new 8-part series in the Autumn called, When Cock Enlargements and Arse Implants Go Wrong, scheduled to hit the screens in the run up to Christmas.’
Categories: Fake News
Now that’s what I call dancing… gov, vol 1.
Get Down ‘n’ Load the new app NOW THATS WHAT I CALL DANCING…GOV! Vol 1. From K-Tel, dedicated to the Grand Master Duchy of Dance..the Aberdeen Ace himself, Michael the Move Gove… featuring all the grooves to get you moving shapes like the maestro himself featuring.
Gove on a Mountain Top, Goving on Up Goving on Down, Hot Gove, A Whole Lotta of Gove, Crazy Little Thing Called Gove, Radar Gove and I Want to Know What Gove Is?
And featuring Michael’s very own personal favourite, the fabulous Chi Lites disco classic ‘Stoned out of My Mind’ and many more attributed to the suited and booted love god, soon to be new face of M&S Menswear.
Although it looks as if the album’s not going to be hit with everyone. A spokesman for No. 10 commented: ‘Well Michael’s attempts to get down with the kids are all very fine, but he looks rather sad. Some colleagues have suggested it’s a pity he didn’t choose to include the Robert Knight classic, Gove on a Mountain Top, as pretty much to a man, they regarded it might be the best place for him for the next few weeks.’
Categories: Fake News
Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’
Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.
The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: ‘We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen ‘The Bore from Saddlemore’ Dee and Stephen ‘Less exciting than Sidcup’ Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.
‘We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.’
A spokesman for the players, Stephen ‘The Doze from Montrose’ Tee, said: ‘Wake me up when it’s all over.’
Categories: Fake News
Split in fabric of time causes ABBA to reappear
Scientists have been left bewildered by the sudden cosmic reappearance of skinny scarves and IKEA themed platform shoes. Through a wormhole in the fabric of an all-in-one flamenco suit, Abba have returned – proving that the fabric of the Spacetime continuum is really made from sequinned double denim.
Explained a bemused physicist: ‘It’s tied up with chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps in Tokyo, then Paul McCartney & Wings will reform. This sort of thing is happening all the time. Who can forget the season finale of Quantum Leap, when Sam Beckett jumped into the body of Donna Summer? Which begs the question, can we send Ed Sheeran back the other way?
A similar anomaly occurred when a joke from 1956 found its way through a wormhole into all three seasons of Mrs Brown’s Boys. Who knows if Abba will be able to adjust to life in the 21st century, with all our exotic new music like the soundtrack to Mamma Mia or Mamma Mia 2?
Meanwhile a spokesman for the 70s supergroup commented: ‘This is certainly not a cynical cash grab. It’s real properly serious artistic project. The band is really excited and looking forward to the release of the first single from the album. Thank you for the money money money will be available to download from iTunes at midnight.’
Hat-tip stewartbarclay
Categories: Fake News
£2 billion drop in exports and other head scratchers – Daily Express
The UK has been struck by several completely inexplicable events in the last 8 months, the latest of which is a two billion pound drop in exports.
“This is a real mystery”, said foreign secretary Dominic Raab, “And it’s not the only really odd thing; did you know that my mobile phone bill shot up when I was on a lovely holiday in Crete recently? And when I got back, a lot of people were quite cross with me for no reason; perhaps it’s because of the unexplained empty shelves in the supermarkets.”
One former government minister claimed that he could explain everything, but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into a pillar of salt.
photo: Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Joe Rogan to fight Covid MMA style
Mr. Rogan, has agreed to do battle with the coronavirus in a caged ICU, with nothing but bare knuckles and a fist full of paracetamol. Initially the podcaster was reluctant to fight, as he felt that MMA sounded a bit too much like the MMR jab.
The bout, of sickness, will be held over three rounds, with points for a KO or a DOA. Both fighters will be allowed to use any part of their bodies, although Covid is likely to focus on the lungs.
Explained a virologist: ‘Joe’s theory that fit and healthy people are statistically less likely to die from Covid is technically true but by the same measure, so is jumping out of a plane without a parachute’.
Rogan is said to be confident of beating the virus, although he had lost his previous 10 fights to baldness.
photo: Claudio_Scott @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United
In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.
Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’
Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.
A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister – deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.
Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.
However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’
Categories: Fake News
Raab says Afghan refugee talks in Ibiza are ‘not another holiday’
Dominic Raab has denied that his current trip to discuss the Afghan refugee crisis is in fact a disguised holiday.
The Foreign Secretary was spotted downing pints and acting raucously at the airport before his flight to Qatar. He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, flip-flops, a straw hat and sunglasses. It is said he only packed one suit for the entire trip.
Mr Raab told reporters that his kite surfing trip after meeting the Qatari government was “an importance piece of diplomacy”, but he couldn’t explain why it was.
The itinerary for the trip will see Mr Raab visit other major governments in the region which have “great beaches and/or hotels”, but it now emerges it also includes visits to the Bahamas, Ibiza, Amsterdam and other top holiday hot spots.
‘I need to understand the role the night clubs in Ibiza, the beaches in the Bahamas and the cannabis cafés in Amsterdam can play in all this,’ Mr Raab said. ‘The fact Michael Gove is joining me in Ibiza doesn’t make it a “lad’s weekend away” at all and it is not to make up for cutting my other holiday short. It is a tough job but somebody has to do it.
‘Now if you will excuse me as I am running late for my massage.’
Categories: Fake News
