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Hancock: âhands, face, spaceâ to be replaced with âsnog, grope, apologiseâ
Health secretary Matt Hancock has today announced the current ‘Hands, Face, Space’ campaign will be scrapped in favour of an edgier and more popular slogan : ‘Snog, Grope, Apologise’.
This latest development, signalling the next step on the lockdown roadmap, has been met with a swell of support amongst Tory members.
Boris Johnson is reportedly ‘delighted’ and will be doing his very best to abide by the advice: ‘We are urging the public to have a good old fumble and canoodle – especially extramarital groping with colleagues or acquaintances. But we must be clear – people are to do so ‘with caution’. Because, as always, it isn’t our fault if it goes tits up…pun fully intended’.
Hancock has been ‘leading from the front’ having already accosted a nearby aide for a vomit-inducing snog and grope combo. He then swiftly moved on to step three – issuing a heartfelt apology to his ‘true love’ his ‘soulmate’ – Prime Minister Boris Johnson.
Matt Hancock’s wife is reportedly working on her own campaign slogan, containing words such as ‘cheating’ ‘bastard’ ‘and ‘divorce’.
Categories: Fake News
London emergency services practice for Murray exit
Intelligence officials have closed down sections of the UKâs capital, in order to stage a simulation of the terror conditions that will occur in the wake of the Wimbledon Champion âchoking in the quarter finalsâ.
The exercise involves 1,000 police officers, all of whom have been instructed to âtaser on sightâ anyone seen weeping into a punnet of strawberries.
Currently Britain is on a heightened state of alert, should Murray stumble, with all prep-schools on suicide watch. This staged event comes only days after Englandâs men crashed out of the Euro U-21 championship, which resulted in the disturbing sight of Gareth Southgate being âmildly nonplussedâ.
A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police tried to allay fears: âShould Wimbledon descend into chaos, at least none of the crowd have actual meaningful day jobs. Which is why they can be swilling champagne on a week dayâ.
Codenamed âItâs just for toffsâ, members of the Fire Brigade will cut out any of the crowd trapped by their tiny wooden seats. A Home Office spokesman said: âI want to reassure the public and any frightened ball boys, that TV channels will show blanket coverage of Tim Henmanâs career. The public need to understand that defeat is just normal. We have planned for every conceivable type of incident â including Cliff Richardâ.
The public have been told to be extra vigilant on the Underground and to report anyone wearing suspicious all-white clothing, a Saltire on their face or âI love Andyâ in marker-pen on their chest. Likewise, Ambulance services will be on hand to treat those injured by shrapnel if Judy Murray explodes.
Categories: Fake News
Hancock leaks photo to keep job
Ill-Health Secretary Matt Hancock has sneakily leaked a photo of himself snogging a girl. Eugh. An actual girl. “I didn’t really want to, but the big boys told me to do it. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, but I hope Boris sees it because then he might let me stay and play.”
Prime Minister Boris Johnsonthing responded, “I said that Mr. Hopelessfucker was in want of damn good sacking, not a damn good shagging. Why do people always mishear and misunderstand what I say? Now, my perfect Sunday is when I pop round to Gyles Brandreth’s house and he shows me his collection of teddies. Hoy, did I say perfect Sunday? No that would be a terrible nightmare of a Sunday. We all have our cross toy bear. No, but I would though. And he has a marvellous collection of swine corpses as well. Obviously, I didn’t say swine corpses, I said decapitated voters. Think I might shag Hancock later. Or maybe I’ll sack him? One or the other. Or maybe neither. What pandemic? Now where’s my toy bus that I made?”
Stepping in to clarify, Secretary for Something or Other Liz Truss confirmed, “No Conservative Party rules have been broken. Fuck an aide, and you’re a player. Fuck an entire country and they give you a Lordship. That’s the way we roll. That’s the way we’ve always rolled. Now that’s how you open up a pork market. Boom! Truss out.”
An official statement from Downing Street said the Prime Minister has accepted Matt Hancockâs apology for breaching social distancing guidelines and “considers the matter just about sleazy enough.”
Categories: Fake News
EU eye Trans-Pacific trade deal enviously
The new deal announced today, filling a ÂŁ68 billion drop in sales to the EU with a wholesome ÂŁ1.7 billion deal involving mainly bananas, was described by Prime Minister Johnson ‘exactly what we promised you – less money being spent on us, more airmiles to Johnny Foreigner places.’
The EU trade negotiators have quietly downloaded Lis Truss’ CV from LinkedIn and are thought to be putting a hostile bid to snatch hew away from the British negotiating team as soon as possible. ‘With skills like hers we can’t afford to squander the opportunities she creates,’ said an envious EU trade expert. ‘She makes small gains look huge and huge losses appear as if they don’t count. If only we had her negotiating skills on our team.
A spokesperson for Ms Truss insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. ‘I’ve seen her appraisal, popularity ratings and, crucially, her passport has been locked away in a drawer until she produces something – anything – remotely useful. Off the record, obvs,’ he added.
Categories: Fake News
HMS Defender âplayed out of positionâ
The Type 45 guided missile destroyer HMS Defender was recently involved in some slightly spicy shenanigans in the Black Sea, near to Russia or Ukraine, depending on who you ask.
A Royal Navy spokesman said âKeep politics out of football? Cry me a river.â
He did concede that HMS Defender was being played out of position.
âItâs so easy to get total war mixed up with total football. We want to play with greater fluidity as we are, by definition, in the sea. So HMS Defender was playing closer to HMS Midfield Pivot to help us move things forward.â
âWeâve got two HMS Willing Runners moving out wide and HMS False Nine drifting all over the place up front⊠actually, is it supposed to be doing that?â
Categories: Fake News
UK to drop âUKâ from name
The government is in early discussions with brand consultants over concern that having âUKâ in the UK’s name could be a contributory factor to the slow economic recovery. A sum of ÂŁ9.5millon has been set aside to come up with a new brand, but experts say it is unlikely to contain the letters UK, or Britain, or GB.
âMade in the UK no longer seems to resonate with our overseas customers, but that’s perhaps because we no longer make anything,â said an eminent brand consultant. ‘We could just lie and say ‘Made in China’. That seems to work for the Chinese.’
âAlternatively we could simply shorten UK to K,’ he continued. ‘After all, the nation is not particularly united, but it is a kingdom. Then again as we presently have a queen not a king, we could just call it Q. But that name’s been taken by a music magazine, so it could get confusing.â
For an interim period the nation will be known as âthe nation formerly known as the UKâ.
Categories: Fake News
Artificial Intelligence used to complete teenagerâs art GCSE
Following the successful completion of a previously lost section to Rembrandt’s ‘Night Watch’, where the computer has added images of a man standing, a boy running and a drunken painter mooning, the technology has been deployed to help GCSE students in Art get a decent grade.
‘The economy is highly dependent on young adults being able to crayon effectively, particularly between the lines, and this software will help them do just that,’ said an AI expert today. Brandon Hedges, 16, is notably enthusiastic when actually awake. ‘I couldn’t get a decent grade in art thanks to lockdown,’ he insisted, although his art teacher Mr Marples disagrees. ‘Hedges is a lazy bastard who can’t hold a crayon the right way up, but at least the software saves me from predicting a bare pass for the useless prat,’ he said between supping pints of stout in the staff room. ‘I’m not allowed to predict a fail, apparently. It has to be a grade. Fail is definitely a grade,’ he added.
Brandon’s final submission titled ‘a line I drew’ was originally a line in red crayon delivered diagonally across a sheet of lined A4 paper. The modified AI version shows an intricate scene where Brandon is running and his art teacher is mooning through a window. The AI creator admitted that the software does have a limited imagination. ‘Just like all sixteen year old art students,’ he said.
Categories: Fake News
Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives
Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: âItâs very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if theyâre a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searchedâ.
Explained one Headmistress: âWe caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. Weâve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.
âWe can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?â
Explained one Schools Minister: ‘We’re naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we’re not feeding them’. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: ‘Don’t make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knivesâ.
Categories: Fake News
Mars Perseverance Rover decides âMars is shitâ
After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that ‘Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo’. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was ‘just an over-hyped DGI drone’. ‘It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I’m stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.’
Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape – ‘done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick’ and looking for signs of earlier life. ‘I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn’t leave they’d probably have topped themselves, which isn’t a bad idea’ said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.
The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance’s TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance’s views. ‘I think it’s great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? – Not a euphemism, you understand,’ it said today. ‘I take PayPal.’
Categories: Fake News
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cantâs passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
Play School Toys react stoically to news of Brian Cantâs passing
The Play School toys have reacted with trademark reserve and passivity on hearing that their all time favourite presenter Brian Cant has passed away, it has been revealed.
After breaking the news to them at their comfortable retirement home in the media museum in Bradford, a BBC producer revealed that Hamble simply sat there, legs out in front of her, unable to talk, staring forward with a blank, almost existential expression. Big Ted and Little Ted were said to look ‘particularly dishevelled’ whilst Humpty fell forward and had to be propped up with the help of Derek Griffiths. Dapple the horse was said to have been ‘rocked’ by the news, the only consolation being that Floella Benjamin was doing the rocking with a familiar pat on the rump and a rendition of ‘wind the bobbin up’.
The news ends the long standing hope of all the toys for one last programme with Brian, a look through one of the windows, and perhaps some footage of a visit to a random Paisley ice cream factory or maybe a West Midlands zoo. Producers are now trying to decide the best time to tell the toys that the choice of window on each episode was not random, and that rather it was related to the closest shape to the theme of the show – footballs meaning the round window, parcels the square window.
Jemima, said to be most distraught by the news, noted simply that whilst there was some debate amongst children about the best combination of presenters , for the toys it was always ‘Brian with anyone’.
Categories: Fake News
Government insists all children hum the tune of The Dam Busters
On the 25th of June, the government has issued a dictate that all children sing ‘Strong Britain, Great nation, No ironyâ but to a medley of nationalistic tunes; including the tune from âAntiques Roadshowâ, âCoronation Streetâ and the sound of a deflating space hopper. Drawing influences from Grime (Darren Grimes that is), this stirring song will crescendo with Vera Lynn singing the theme music from the 70s TV show ‘Minder’
Teachers will be expected to use a state approved lesson about Britain’s colonial past, which conveniently forgets to mention we had one. In a stirring playground ceremony, children will salute the Union Jack and then promptly declare ownership of the school, while enslaving half their classmates.
In a haunting madrigal, children as young as five will re-enact the UK’s proudest movements, from the 1966 World Cup to Del Boy falling through the cocktail bar. These will be accompanied by a marching band playing The Prodigy’s âFirestarterâ and âRemember you’re a Womble’.
A spokeswoman for North Korea was critical of Boris Johnson’s crude propaganda tool: ‘At least our glorious leader has a plausible haircut’. Despite UK ministers insisted: ‘Small children singing patriotic songs, what’s not to like? It worked for Hitlerâ.
Categories: Fake News
Governmentâs Woke Department demolishes Somerset House as itâs not in Somerset
An official government LGBTQ person has announced that a famous neoclassical non-descript building overlooking the River Thames is to be torn down. It will be replaced by a farmers’ market and a large car park, exclusively for green EV tractors.
Activists have been lobbying the government for years, campaigning for an official apology from the Prime Minister and the payment of substantial reparations to Somerset.
âWe canât have a building named after Somerset when according to all known records and ordnance survey maps, itâs not even located in Somerset. It doesnât make any sense.’
‘We found it by accident when Frank’s Sat Nav on his Toyota Diesel Landcruiser started playing up as we drove through central London. He made the startling discovery that we were not Somerset, and not only that, nowhere near its borders. Apparently, itâs been this way since at least 1776. So the sooner we have this monstrously socially unjust Dickensian edifice torn down, the better.’
Asked where all the tenants of the building complex would be located, He/She/They/His/Her/Its/WTF, suggested Wokingham might not be a bad idea as they were pushing Boris to have the town replace London as the nations capital city.
Categories: Fake News
Tory planning system change will lead to new homes in flood zones
A radical blueprint put forward as a “once-in-a-generation reform” from the government has the aim of sweeping away “slow and complex” planning laws.
The shake-up, a central part of the prime minister’s “build, build, build” agenda, includes automatic planning approval for new homes on land earmarked for growth, however low-lying.
The revolution is published in a government consultation paper, Planning For The Future, pushed by Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick just weeks after he became embroiled in a planning row.
The changes come after record donations from housebuilders to Conservative Party funds. House building companies wil make up a large portion of the representatives on the planning boards. There are no plans to include climate scientists in those decisions.
A spokesman for a green campaign group said “We fear the plans will lead to new builds that have to be abandoned in just a few decades due to sea level rise. Some of the likely build zones are in extremely dangerous coastal areas, like for example Norfolk or London.”
The Labour Party have said they intend to sink this bill at the earliest opportunity.
Categories: Fake News
Dolphins âstop smiling the moment our back is turnedâ
New evidence from unmanned underwater cameras has proved that dolphins are only pretending to be friendly to humans and that the moment that our backs are turned, a sour and indignant expression returns to their faces.
The discovery, which will traumatise animal lovers the world over, was made when Californian marine biologist Mike Varney sensed that the smiling, chattering manner of dolphins and porpoises was somehow a little insincere. He set up a series of remote controlled underwater cameras to record ceteceans interacting with swimmers and divers and then filmed the same dolphins as they left their human companions.
âItâs fascinating,â said Varney. âAs the excited eco-tourists climb onto the boat, still thrilled at their real-life encounter with wild bottlenose dolphins, you can see the dolphins turn away and their cheerful expression suddenly changes. They looked really pissed off, and were sort of tutting and looking skywards. Itâs like they were saying âI AM SO BORED OF THIS!â
Varneyâs research has also demonstrated that their high-pitched animated chattering is also contrived and phoney. Amongst themselves, dolphins manage little more than an occasional indignant grunt, and often canât even bothered to reply to other family members.
This is the second major discovery by maverick naturalist Varney. Last year his remote controlled cameras discovered that gorillas are actually really smiley when they are left to themselves.
Categories: Fake News
Spain cancels annual balcony jumping championship
One of the worlds most popular Spanish speaking countries, Spain, has been forced to cancel one of its most lucrative and popular sporting events, due to covid reasons.
‘We need the imbecilic English to come back in their self-destructive droves’, said Alberto De Cosa, Assistant Manager at the main hosting stadium, the prestigious half-star Golden Palm hotel, next to the recycling incinerator plant in Marbella.’
‘There is a smattering of French, Italian and German contestants here, but a tournament without the current world champions is a bit pointless.’
Darren Fincher, the UK’s No.1, who took over from his brother Reggie following a dramatic pool miss incident last year, said he was absolutely gutted.
‘I’m absolutely gutted,’ said Darren. I’ve perfected the fifth-floor plunge into the main WC shaped swimming pool. So I was hoping to go one better with a sixth-floor triple somersault and synchronised belly flop through the glass roof of the restaurant and into a bucket of cold sick left over from the afternoon buffet.’
A spokesperson for UK sport said the government regretted imposing travel restrictions, even to this sporting event. ‘We deeply regret stopping people attending a world-renowned event which basically has no health and no safety. We completely understand that this makes it a popular event for elite English athletes. However, we’ve followed the science as always and concluded that balcony jumping is slightly more risky than the Covid Delta variant.
Categories: Fake News
WHO tells women to stop drinking, particularly Sandra from Gateshead
Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their âGlobal Alcohol Action Planâ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandraâs local Wetherspoon.
A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine womenâs rights, just Sandraâs: âThe alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, itâs close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.â
Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: âWe were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn’t breedâ.
Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: âIâm just like Emily Pankhurst, Iâm fighting the patriarchy. Now, if youâll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing âNi**as in Parisâ.
Categories: Fake News
Law states people cannot be insulted if insult followed by smiley emoji
It is now illegal to take insult at anything which someone writes as long as it is immediately followed by a smiley face emoji.
The law has been introduced to allow individuals the freedom to be explicitly rude or nasty without the added drawback of someone taking insult.
Mike has been an online troll for years and has recently started sending unpleasant work emails too: ‘I love it, it makes me feel so big and powerful. But it’s always such a pain when there are repercussions, it’s not like the good old days where you could slag people off no end and you were held up as a hero. The woke brigade are on my back all the time, even for a bit of light hearted racism or sexism. But since the introduction of the Smiley Law it’s been a doddle. I sent Susan from finance an email this morning saying ‘shove it up your arse you pathetic witch âșïž’ but because I included the smiley emoji there is nothing she can do about it. It’s clearly meant in a nice way’.
Mike’s employer have said they plan to text him later to tell him he’s sacked followed by a laughing emoji to ensure he finds it hilariously funny.
Categories: Fake News
Man told to return to work despite losing ability to iron his own shirt
An angry office worker has been left speechless after his manager told him to return to work despite not being able to iron a shirt.
âThey told me to go back in this morning after only giving me a weeks notice. I havenât ironed a shirt, knotted a company tie or had a shave for that matter in ten weeks and theyâre not providing any training or support. Itâs appalling,” fumed Ian Duncan, 35.
“I picked up the iron last night. Itâs one of those fancy-dan anti-scale, anti-drip, multi-function jobs, but I couldnât find the stubborn creases setting on the dial. Then I completely forgot how to iron. Itâs a highly stressful situation. I mean, where do you start? Sleeves? Collar? Front or back?
I completely lost it to be honest. Iâm going to put the iron on its ‘temperature of molten lava’ setting, burn an iron shaped hole in the company shirt and send it to Malcolm. After that me and Sandra will take off for sunny Frinton.â
Categories: Fake News
Tories arrange spy swap â Bercow for Starmer
In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries â the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir âStarmerâ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.
The swap itself had many similarities to John le CarrĂ© fictionalized book âStinker Starmer Dozy Spyâ. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.
Explained one of Starmerâs handlers: âObviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.â
A friend of Bercow said: âJohn will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. heâll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of ironyâ.
Categories: Fake News
