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New series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ will be set in Calais
Sources from ITV have confirmed rumours that the channel’s new series of ‘I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!’ is to be set on the outskirts of Calais. ‘This is a variation on a theme; usually we send our celebs to Australia but this new jungle that has sprung up in Calais provides our stars with plenty of challenges’ said a spokesman.
The contestants will be placed in an abandoned building about 3 miles from the town’s centre and will face the usual endurance tests only with a twist.
‘The celebs will face the usual deprivations but instead of sleeping bags, our usually pampered celebs will have to sleep on mouldy old mattresses and use old carrier bags to collect water.’ said the spokesman.
The viewers will vote which star they wish to vote out of the hell hole every couple of nights and they will get the opportunity to escape by attempting to get back into the UK by any means possible. Part-time glamour model Linzi Chambers has today revealed that she had been approached for the series but had refused claiming that clinging onto the underside of a lorry for dear life for six hours would ‘ruin her nails’.
‘It’s this aspect that may need a rethink’ said critics of the new show. ‘Perhaps they’ll take some desperate but hard-working migrant and deport the celeb who’s only famous only for sleeping with a Premiership footballer. Now that might be worth watching.’
S J Roe
Categories: Fake News
Post-event interviews with Olympians to include general knowledge round
Interviews with Olympic competitors conducted immediately after they’ve finished their race, swim, row or any other event will now include general knowledge, science and geography questions, the BBC announced today, in an attempt to make the excruciating encounters less predictable.
The news comes after concerns were raised that interviewees were increasingly able to anticipate the questions they were going to be asked by trackside reporters, and were able to rely on a stock bank of answers about how they were feeling, what the Olympics meant to them, or whether they could have done anything differently.
‘Some of the answers given by breathless and emotional GB athletes less then a minute after they’ve either just fulfilled their lifetime dream or had their expectations cruelly crushed in front of millions are remarkably similar’, said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Gave it everything I had, hasn’t sunk in yet, I just blew it, thanks for all the support back home. It’s as if they’re all copying each other. The format needs a total overhaul’.
‘Duncan Scott may have just become the most decorated GB Olympian at a single games, but can he tell us what’s the second highest mountain in the Andes, whilst still dripping wet, exhausted and unable to string a sentence together?’ said the spokesperson. ‘360 degree backflips on a BMX are all well and good but does Charlotte Worthington know what the longest running musical theatre show is in the West End? The nation needs to know.’
Richard Osman has been brought in as a consultant to turn things into a workable quiz format. Rumours that former Going for Gold host Henry Kelly will soon be taking over from Matthew Pinsent, Sharon Davies and others in shoving a microphone in front of peoples faces are said to be unfounded.
Categories: Fake News
‘Crime levels down for fourth consecutive month’ boasts Priti Patel
The daily number of crimes committed by people across the UK has fallen for the fourth month in a row revealed Home Secretary Priti Patel. Both petty crime and organised crime are now at their lowest level since records began.
Figures show that since emergency switchboard operators were told not to answer any incoming calls the number of reported crimes has fallen dramatically. Other initiatives have also helped in seeing crime levels fall.
Police officers have been told they must not leave the police station at any time and all squad cars must be immobilised as a precaution against attending a crime scene.
But PM Boris Johnson has urged people to remain cautious saying that despite the encouraging statistics the fight against crime is not over. The latest figures do not include the days since lockdown restrictions were lifted but the PM did not think this would make the slightest bit of difference.
‘We have asked all police officers to cover their ears and sing lalalalala very loudly. This should prevent any chance of them hearing such things as a burglar or car alarm or screams for help from a stab victim’ said the PM
By ignoring reports of criminal activity the UK is now the safest place in the world.
Not one crime has been recorded since mid July which shows our policy of putting our fingers in our ears is working.
And at no extra cost to the taxpayer.
Those who try to report crimes are “selfish” and would be barred from some future events like shopping, leaving the house or visiting loved ones.
Plans to introduce a crime passport to show that a person has not reported a crime for over seven consecutive days have been criticised by Labour who say it will lead to a two-tier justice system and would hit the poorest in society the hardest.
Boris Johnson – using a comedy umbrella as yet another another blindingly obvious distraction technique – simply raised his thumbs and smirked.
Categories: Fake News
‘We won’t let our kids have i-pads’ and other hilarious plans of parents-to-be
Deluded parents-to-be are making hilarious plans, blissfully unaware of the absolute sh*t-show awaiting them – here are our favourites:
1. “We won’t let our kids have i-pads, it’s so sad to see kids glued to screens all the time”
WRONG: Screens are fuc*king brilliant and if you want any chance of doing anything without your child being a total tw*t you need to get them one.
2. “Our child won’t have sweets, they’ll eat organic raisins instead”
NOPE: Like crack addicts, kids will sell their soul for a hit of the Haribo. Only a fool would stand in their way.
3. “We will discipline our kids through open dialogue setting expectations, boundaries and consequences”
NOT A CHANCE: The only discipline related dialogue you need is ‘If you do X you can have a biscuit’ and ‘If you don’t stop Y I’m telling Father Christmas”.
4. “Our little one won’t sleep in our bed, I need my eight hours!”
NEWSFLASH: Kids give zero shits about your needs, least of all any sleep-related ones. It will rapidly become apparent that getting kicked in the head in your own bed in marginally preferable to sleeping on your child’s bedroom floor like an abuse victim cowering at the hands of your captor. Which is sort of what you are.
5. “We will make time for date nights, our relationship won’t change when the baby arrives”
THINK AGAIN: The only way a hot date will compare to pre-kids is the presence of bodily fluids – only now it’ll be baby vomit and steaming nappies. If you’re lucky there’ll be time for a quick argument and ten minutes of falling asleep on the sofa before the baby wakes up.
6. “My children will learn to tidy up their own mess”
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Categories: Fake News
Williamson insists ‘rumpy pumpy’ must be in Latin
The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.
An Education spokesman explained: ‘It’s vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it’.
The three ‘R’s’ will be replaced with their Latin equivalents – Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: ‘Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means ‘premature ejaculation’.’
Categories: Fake News
US chlorine-washed chicken least of our worries, admit Brits
A focus group has found that post Brexit, most British consumers would be perfectly happy to eat chlorine-washed chicken imported from the US. However, many have expressed concern that they will also be forced to eat a diet consisting of stringy American processed cheese, gassy beer, and ‘wussy American mustard which has less flavour than diluted bathwater’.
After the meeting, focus group member Arthur Scoggins commented, ‘Alright, so a pumpkin might be a fruit but only someone with fluff for brains would even think of putting it in a pie, and as for grits…’.
Particular scorn was directed toward Hershey bars which were described as ‘tasting, almost but not quite, totally unlike chocolate’.
Others were delighted that post Brexit German measles would become a thing of the past but were worried about missing out on other European staples such as Swiss cheese, French mustard, French fries, French kissing, French letters, and Dutch caps.
Categories: Fake News
Pepys Diary: Olympickes
Up early and by coach to the Tower at the invitaion of the British Beheading Committee to witness a gruelling day of Torture.
First, to the Racke. A number of persons of note were tested thereon, but Milord Javid came to the fore with a final length of seven feet. Well played, and he did not cower once, though the inquisitor tested him sorely.
Next to the Water Butte. A small crowd for this event. I might have said Andrew Neil came out on top. However, he did not resurface as his form fitted the barrel so well that none could pull him back out. T’was a sight to see his wig float to the surface.
On the way to the next room, saw Katie Hopkins chained to the wall wearing a Scold’s Bridle. She tried to kick out at any who passed but we rejoiced in finding that Harridan’s tongue finally quelled.
The next room contained a group of idle vagabonds in stocks. At first, one might find their Trial as naught but, as time passed we could see that Wretches were close to losing their minds. They had spent the whole day listening to one Clare Balding spouting piffle on subjects no-one had any ken of. She spoke of a Skateboard that appears to be a vehicle propelled by leg-power and ridden over obstacles. Madness!
From thence to the Mall for supper. On the way did see two youths thrown from the Tower into the Moat. Tom Daley and Matty Lee did fall as one. They rose from the waters to great acclamation from the persons assembled and were presented with ribbons for surviving their Ordeal.
Categories: Fake News
Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble upon grisly murder scene
A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while walking his new puppy at the weekend.
Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told The East London Gazette: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk and stumbling on a dead body in some dense undergrowth after he’d run in to investigate the scent of a decomposing body.
“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home with absolutely no murder scene to my name.
“I was really looking forward to stumbling across a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.
“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.
“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out in future”
Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.
Danny Soz
Categories: Fake News
Home Office to retain Covid measures “just in case”
Following the failed attempt by Government to contain the Covid virus, the Home Office led by Priti Patel has decided to extend all restrictions indefinitely
The British Army has already been successfully deployed, nominally to assist the Covid response under the guise of “Operation Rescript”. This allows fully armed soldiers to monitor transport and control the ports, and generally infiltrate the public consciousness as “a necessary evil”
Secondly, the airports have been largely shut down to prevent foreigners from arriving, and to imprison those who do, but mainly to stop British nationals from leaving as the dark forces clamp down
Next, the freedoms of news reporting are slowly being eroded. The BBC is inexplicably drifting towards supporting the Government, and Channel 4 is to be “privatised” (we know what that means)
Patel’s plan to use the military for absolute control is to be trialled in England, where it will be renamed as “The Devolutionary Guard”
Hat tip to Granger
Categories: Fake News
Chlamydia Island follow-up ‘not so popular’
Contestants on ITV’s flagship reality-show, have struggled to adjust to life without cameras but with an embarrassing itch in their nether regions. One particular hot-tub session has resulted in a virulent strain of bacteria, two unplanned pregnancies and a new form of aquatic sloth.
A biologist explained: ‘This cocktail of warm water, fake tan and, well, cocktails – made the perfect breeding ground for germs and Daily Mail headlines. Recreational water illnesses (RWIs) are particularly hard to avoid if everyone rubbing up against each other and weeing in the hot tub’.
The most common RWI is diarrhoea – an ill-smelling, shit-stained disaster, which is ironically, what the producers of the show were aiming for. They expect ‘Love Island’ to soon become ‘Baby Island’, followed by ‘Shotgun Marriage Island’, concluding with the inevitable ‘Bitterness and Regret Island’.
While the relationships are not expected to last beyond their first ‘Hello’ spread, many of the rashes acquired may last a lifetime. Said one ‘reality’ star: ‘After one DNA test, followed by three months of NCT classes with the reluctant father, is a little bit too much reality for me’.
hat tip Sinnick
Categories: Fake News
Cowell bombshell as X Factor ‘binned for good’ by ITV over sick scam claims
Purveyors of utterly mindless shite to the masses, broadcaster ITV, has announced it no longer wishes to contribute to Simon Cowell’s personal fortune, and has axed its one time flagship entertainment show, The X Factor.
A channel spokesman said: ‘It took us a while to twig what was going on but the penny finally dropped when we were having an Exec quiz night at the pub. One question was: Name five winners of the X Factor, but between us we just got one and we had the show’s commissioning editor on our team. It was only because someone happened to be playing Leona Lewis on the juke box in the public bar next door that we got her, actually.
‘When he pitched the show Simon said it was a new concept, and certainly not in the least bit like Opportunity Knocks or New Faces of bygone days. “It’s designed to make unknown wannabes into stars,” he told us. Well quite clearly that was a whopping lie, so we’re closing down the whole sick scam.’
The broadcaster was keeping its cards close to its chest today on what it might introduce to challenge the BBC’s Strictly Come Dancing in the Autumn schedules. However, the spokesman refused to confirm or deny strong rumours circulating in media circles, a new game show, Ant & Dec’s Whose Arse is it Anyway? co-hosted by Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon, is currently in production at a closed set in Elstree.
Categories: Fake News
NASA confirm Bezos & Branson are first men to reach the complete waste of space
NASA’s Senior Director of Space Stuff, Hank Schitzler, has confirmed that the billionaires recent day trip into space was nothing more than one trivial step for mankind.
‘The idiots only went 53 miles up for fucks sake, and just because they wanked around with floating piss bubbles for ten minutes doesn’t mean they are astronauts in any shape or form. Space doesn’t officially start until 62 miles from earth, and by our precise satellite computerisations, all they reached was the complete waste of space. It’s so pointless we don’t know what to do with it. I mean, you can’t plant a flag in it or even play golf, for that matter. Goddam cocksuckers’.
Director Shitzler produced various coloured charts, graphs and reams of data to show that comedians hosting launches, Cowboy hats, and ridiculously permed hair do not form part of official astronaut training.
Categories: Fake News
Angry viewers slam Sky Sports over its Open Golf coverage
Satellite broadcaster, Sky, has come under fire today from angry viewers incandescent with rage over its coverage of this year’s Open golf championship.
One subscriber called a radio phone-in show, on nutters’ favourite network, LBC, to complain. Richard Black, a xenophobic bigot from Canvey Island told Nick Ferrari: ‘I have become accustomed to Sky’s coverage and really like the way they do things. Their golf coverage is normally so much better than when that BBC loony lefty lot used to show it.’
‘But today has really annoyed me. There’s far too much golf being mixed into the normal wall-to-wall gambling, money-lending and insurance adverts. If I wanted to see that amount of golf then I’d have gone to Carnoustie and stood there gawping at it myself. I’m missing Ray Winstone’s over the top Cockney rasp. The wife loves them little Muskrats even though they ain’t British.’
And roulette enthusiast Arthur Meadowes agrees: ‘It’s been awful. I have been trying to see what odds I can get on two flies climbing up a wall and it’s just golf golf effing golf! Potentially I’ve gone and saved myself a fortune now. It’s a bloody disgrace. ‘
Meanwhile bookies, Paddy Power, is offering to pay Sky an undisclosed sum if they ‘tone down’ the golf content for the remainder of the tournament and go back to its usual sports to adverts ratio; normally 98%-2%
Categories: Fake News
Jacob Rees-Mogg asks for horseless carriages to be included in Highway Code. More soon
Categories: Fake News
UK’s most popular holiday destination 2021 revealed: the M5 southbound
It has been revealed that almost the entire population of the UK is holidaying on the M5 southbound this summer. Many families are enjoying a full two week break in queuing traffic, before briefly popping to Cornwall to enjoy some crowds and rain for twenty minutes. After this, most immediately begin their second holiday of the summer – on the M5 northbound.
Tony and Carol were originally planning to take their three children to a static caravan in Cornwall but quickly realised an M5 holiday was the best option: ‘It was a no-brainer’ explains Tony ‘firstly, the caravan was going to cost about £20k a week due to high demand. Secondly, looking at the journey time, we were going to average around 1 mile an hour on the way down. So it only made sense to turn the journey into our holiday. It’s been brilliant. We’ve had great fun pissing on the side of the road and the kids have learnt some new assertive hand gestures’.
Carol isn’t as positive about the experience: ‘I can’t believe I’m spending my summer holiday queuing on the M5. I told Tony we should holiday in a queue at Heathrow instead but he wouldn’t listen. The kids haven’t even had an ice-cream at the services yet, Tony said the queues are too long’.
Categories: Fake News
Marble Arch Mound to Get World Heritage Status, Westminster Council Claims
Stonehenge may be on the verge of getting demolished to make way for a bypass and another pile of rocks in Wales may be deemed to have greater historical significance than Liverpool’s Dockyards, but Westminster Council leaders have assured the public that it is only a matter of time before the municipal monstrosity that is the Marble Arch Mound will catch the attention of the World Heritage Committee.
There are widespread concerns, however, that UNESCO may not be quite so taken with this artificial eyesore, which resembles a half finished building that has been left abandoned for so long that moss has started to grow on it, because it looks more like something Fred Dibnah would have demolished in the 1980s rather than a ridiculously expensive urban art installation that people are actually supposed to pay money to walk up.
This has led to a barrage of complaints from the public, who object to having to fork out money for clambering up a dangerous pile of scaffolding that may collapse and kill them at any moment, a feat usually only attempted free of charge by very drunk people trying to show off to their mates.
Despite universal criticism by everyone who has had the misfortune to see it, council leaders still insist that the Marble Arch Mound will easily overtake Stonehenge as one of the most visited monuments in Britain and will soon be listed alongside the Great Pyramid of Giza as one of the wonders of the world.
When asked if this was a slightly deluded ambition given that people have been visiting Stonehenge for 5000 years and the Marble Arch Mound has already been forced to close after only two days due to it being the most offensively rubbish thing anyone has ever been duped into paying an extortionate entrance fee for, Westminster Council representatives Pointed out that unlike Stonehenge, ‘the mound is completed.’
Categories: Fake News
The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street
Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.
With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan ‘Slow Hand’ Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie ‘The Lips’ Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:
Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa)
Hey Jew (Don’t be Afraid of Being Deselected)
Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry
While my Civil Service Gently Weeps
Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent
Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date
Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in)
Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out
When I’m Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract
You’ve Got to Hide Your Husband’s Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away
All You Need is Strong and Stable
Not a Third Time
We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG)
Can’t Buy Me a Majority
The Wrong and Whining Toad
With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party
Baby You’re a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was)
The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash
You Always Give Me Your Money
Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown)
I Want to Hold Your Assets
Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite
Dear Fiscal Prudence
Draft Agreement Writer
She’s Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)
The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson’s ego when he enters Downing Street the day after.
Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase
Categories: Fake News
