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Shapps wants hauliers to join government in being asleep at the wheel
A shortage in lorry drivers has kicked the world-beating UK government ideas engine into overdrive. The Grant Shapps blinky light going at two to the dozen knee-jerked: ‘If there are not enough lorry drivers, then we will just do what we are doing with doctors, nurses, teachers and everyone else: just make them work longer hours. Snoozy hauliers playing lamppost slalom dodgems on their way back from France is just the sort of thing Great Britain needs. Without that sense of danger on our British roads, the people just don’t enjoy driving. Not like they used to when all of us drunkards ruled the highways.’
‘With all of the deaths and maiming, at some point people will become too afraid to use the roads. Eventually, all drivers, cyclists and pedestrians will be dead, and the roads will be so quiet that we will be the world leaders in road safety. And at that point, we could do away with roads altogether and save the taxpayer billions. Now that’s why they pay me and Michael the big bucks.’
Categories: Fake News
Man who wiped his arse with Daily Mail claims he ‘caught’ xenophobia
A man from Reading who wiped his bum with the Daily Mail claims he has caught xenophobia as a result. Dave Phelps says he contracted the debilitating condition after wiping his arse on squares cut from the ‘newspaper’, that he’d hung from a bulldog clip in his toilet for an ironic dinner party joke.
‘We had some friends coming round,’ a rueful Dave explained ‘and for a lark I thought it might be fun. But next morning, feeling the worse for wear after three bottles of Chablis, I went to the loo and only realised I’d forgotten to change the paper back to our regular Waitrose triple-ply with Aloe Vera.
‘But of course by then it was too late. I’d gone and wiped me bum and within minutes I was slagging off my longtime best friend and next door neighbour Bogdan, for no good whatsoever.’
‘Look, anyone thinking of doing what I did, don’t! Exposed bodily contact with The Daily Mail is so dangerous it makes Chernobyl fallout look like strawberries dusted with icing sugar.’
Professor Craig Lennox who is working to find a cure for Dave explained: ‘This was the perfect storm waiting to happen. After examining squares from the edition of the paper he used we found them to be particularly toxic.’
‘The front page was a story about a group of Eastern European plumbers working on the black economy, yet still claiming state benefits of over £50,000 pounds a week to help fund their ten-bedroomed mansions in Knightsbridge.’
‘Whilst another prominent article detailed how the two million illegal Muslim immigrants pouring into the country every week, plan to gain power then make it compulsory for every school in the land to ban the teaching of Christianity.’
‘I’m making every effort to find a cure for Mr. Phelps’ condition and I’ve put him on a course of wiping his arse with various periodicals in the hope of reversing his symptoms. We’re starting with The Express then moving through to the Telegraph and Sun until hopefully he is using Socialist Monthly like all normal people.’
hat tip to Tonymc81
Categories: Fake News
Calls for emergency Bank Holiday on Monday – Government to decide on Tuesday. More soon
Ragmans Trumpet
Categories: Fake News
Sweet Caroline quits England role after evidence emerges of hands touching hands. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Secret meetings frantically discuss Southgate tribute
Although Wednesday night’s plans to mint a special commemorative £2 coin have been put on hold until Sunday’s result is known, a more urgent decision is currently awaited regarding the proposed ennoblement of Gareth (or possibly Sir Gareth, if not Lord, Viscount or Baron Southgate, or perhaps even the Duke of Wembley) and whether that would be an adequate testament to his contribution to the wellbeing of the human race.
Sanctification, beatification or canonisation are felt by many to be a more fitting degree of elevation to a status above that of a mere human being for their hero. Clearly in the case of exceptional candidates like this, irksome requirements like being dead should be waived, at least until the England team have won a hat-trick of Euro as well as of World Cup wins. His performing of miracles, however, is obviously a simple matter of record, despite the tribulations of spending what felt like 40 days and 40 nights failing to score against Scotland.
Whilst not quite sitting on the right hand side of God – at least, not yet – Southgate would be ideally placed to act as team manager for Our Heavenly Father, advising on the best formation for His servants on Earth to play in, and what formation his saints should adopt. That way, with any luck, when it eventually comes to the Final Armageddon, Satan will be able to be defeated without the Lord’s Creation having to withstand a penalty shoot-out or even endure an eternity of extra time.
However, until England triumphs resoundingly on Sunday, Purgatory prevails. And if we lose, we can breathe a huge sigh of relief and get straight back to calling for the useless pile of donkey’s faeces to be sacked.
Categories: Fake News
Football’s coming Rome. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Matt Hancock: ‘I was already coming in the office twice a week’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
‘Literally’ apparently now means, literally, the exact opposite of ‘literally’. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Brewdog ‘made of actual dogs’
In a run of bad PR that would make Lucrezia Borgia blanch, independent brewer Brewdog has had to rebuff claims of false advertising, abusive work conditions and putting puppies into a cider press. It has been one bad news story after another, culminating in the allegation that they knowingly revealed the ending to ‘Game of Thrones’. Their catalogue of faux pas included killing Bambi’s mother, being mean to Stephen Fry and disrespecting a baby penguin.
One particular drink, ‘National Treasures’, is made from the alcoholic remains of some of the UKs most beloved citizens. Dame Judi Dench has been reduced to a light ale, while Alan Bennett is now a craft beer, flavoured with cream crackers and scones. A spokeswoman for the firm said: ‘We’ve had some challenging headlines, but I’m hoping we can put that all behind us, with our new range of Nazi Nonce beers.’
Categories: Fake News
Lamda variant ‘not an 80s dance craze’, WHO says
The World Health Organisation has responded to reports that people are confusing the Lamda Covid variant with the 1980s dance craze, the Lambada. A WHO spokesman said: ‘Lamda is a Covid mutation which originated in Peru, which may develop into something more serious. The Lambada is a harmless dance craze from the 1980s that originated in Brazil.’
When contacted for his opinion, Bruce Forsyth/Rob Brydon hybrid and Strictly shoe shuffler Anton Du Beke said: ‘I think it’s very irresponsible to say the Lambada is harmless. The music is very infectious and I caught a nasty case of Lambada fever in 1989, which made me strain my back very badly. I still get twinges even now when I have to bend down to tie my shoelaces.’
Reports that a new Covid variant called the Macarena has been discovered are unconfirmed.
Ragmans Trumpet
Categories: Fake News
Government recognises Cod War syndrome
After decades of campaigning from the former combatants in fisheries dispute with Iceland, the government has finally recognised the existence of Cod War Syndrome, and will pay compensation to those suffering from the condition.
For years neither the Ministry of Defence nor the Department of Fisheries and Food were willing to accept responsibility for the sense of apathy, depression and the vague fishy smell that surrounded those British trawlermen who had been involved in the 1970s fishing crisis. But medical opinion continued to harden about the symptoms having a direct connection to involvement in the brief stand-off over fishing quotas.
‘We are the forgotten warriors,’ said former fisherman Mike McLeish from Grimsby. ‘Sure the Battle of Britain pilots are all heroes, and the Falklands veterans have their medals and memorials. But when it comes to the Cod War, people imply it wasn’t so important or dangerous. It’s almost as if it they are saying it wasn’t a proper war.’
‘That’s exactly what we are saying’ said Defence minister Des Browne. ‘And we are only recognizing Cod War Syndrome to shut up this one nutter from Grimsby who has been badgering us for years. He’s a complete loser and he apparently blames it all on the trauma of a 1970s fishing crisis, so we thought we’d go along with it in the hope that he might just go away.’
Mr McLeish said he was not satisfied with his compensation payment of £25 and would be taking his case to the European Court of Human Rights. ‘I am also seeking an official apology on behalf of all the fish,’ he added. ‘They too have no memorial.’
Categories: Fake News
Whitty and Vallance jump ship to Saturday night on ITV
Following the lead of countless stars of light entertainment down the years, from Morecambe and Wise to Bruce Forsyth, Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance have left the BBC and signed a lucrative deal to host a new Saturday night prime-time entertain show for ITV. The pair have made their name co-hosting the government briefings on the BBC but, with Covid restrictions coming to an end, the commercial rival saw a chance to snap up the famous boffins.
‘Chris and Pat have been the real breakout stars of the whole pandemic,’ a spokesperson for ITV said. “They’ve captured the nation’s heart with their ability to deliver absolutely dreadful news and horrifying data but maintain a twinkle in their eye. They are undoubtedly TV’s top double act of the day.â€
One source at the channel said the scientific double act was being seen as the new Ant and Dec. ‘Those briefings were kind of their Byker Grove,’ he said. ‘Although, living through the pandemic wasn’t as terrible as having to watch an episode of that.’
BBC sources said that Aunty Been was not that concerned about losing two of its biggest stars. ‘Very few people have successfully made the switch from BBC to ITV,’ one said. ‘Besides we still own the copyright to their hugely popular ‘Next slide please’ catchphrase which is basically their entire act. And it was only a matter of time before Boris ditched them to go solo anyway.’
Categories: Fake News
Joy as England win in extra time from wrongly awarded penalty against a country with a tenth of its population. More soon
More soon
Categories: Fake News
Duchess of Cambridge self-isolating after wearing same jacket twice
Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge has been forced to spend ten days isolating in her poky 20-room apartment at Kensington Palace after she was photographed in a jacket that she had worn more than once. This unforgivable faux pas is being blamed on an aide whose primary role is to burn every pre-worn item in a special furnace on the grounds of the Palace. The hapless aide mixed the jacket up with Kate’s new range of single-use designer apparel, which led to the future Queen being placed in such a harrowing predicament.
Kate reportedly barricaded herself in her own private chamber shortly after the incident and is refusing to wear anything at all until every item of her clothing has been destroyed as a safety precaution and replaced with brand new outfits by her tailor, who has been working round the clock ever since. The former aide, who was last seen being accompanied down to the royal furnace by two burly footmen, was not available for comment.
Categories: Fake News
Success of Iceland’s four-day week leads Britain to adopt an eight-day week
Reacting to the Icelandic study that a four day week increases productivity and health, the British Government has decided not to give up on indentured servitude and gruel for breakfast. A spokeswoman said: ‘If anything, the average Brit needs to work more hours. Those asbestos mines won’t dig themselves, you know’. The name of the eighth day is still up for debate, but the front runners are ‘DorisDay’, ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ or ‘Happy Mondays’.
Most of this day will be spent in a man-sized hamster wheel, while you are whipped by hooded figures from a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Mediaeval laments will form the background noises, alongside the whirring of a photocopier, the tapping of a keyboard and disgruntled murmurs of your work colleagues. UK workers have greeted the eight-day week with a cheerful smile, as they doffed their caps and genuflected before a marble statue of the Queen’s corgi. Although Craig David is said to be rather annoyed.
Categories: Fake News
Self-regulating porn industry urges users to ‘wank responsibly’
The British porn industry has bowed to pressure to warn people not to over-indulge in the thing it would really, really like them to over-indulge in, it was confirmed today.
‘Sure, our porn is sexy, cool, hot and cheap – but don’t watch too much!’ said an industry spokesman. ‘As the tiny label says in the final scene where the actress gazes directly at you, overwhelmed in ecstasy and admiration at your ability to make a woman climax in the past just by leering at her via fibre-optic cable, ‘If the cum stops, stop’.’
Bored men in lockdown have been lured to sites such as paddyphoar or Pink Casin-ho by the offer of ‘favourite games’ or ‘free slots’, only to reappear drunk and bankrupt days later. Many routinely exceed the safe limit of half a hand-shandy a day, and a significant minority have begun to wank and drive.
Following mounting criticism of wrist-strain-related productivity loss, the government allowed the creation of a sector-funded website offering guidance for flesh consumers worried where their habit is leading them, rather than adopt a more heavy-handed approach.
‘Wankaware.org is full of useful tips ‘said the spokesman. ‘For instance, it’s a common myth that masturbation leads to blindness, but you can debunk this yourself. If you suspect that being a massive wanker has affected your eyesight, simply chuck your kids in the back of the car and head to Barnard Castle.’
Categories: Fake News
