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Can’t-be-arsed UK government asks public to stick forks in their own eyeballs
Boris Johnson’s governance by tossing off has reached a pinnacle of efficiency.
A half-hearted spokesmumbler sighed and murmured, “Rather than making bold claims like ‘world-beating’ and then doing the opposite, it makes much more sense to bring the do nothing bit forward.”
“From this point onwards, the government isn’t even going to bother saying anything at all about stuff it clearly isn’t going to do anyway.”
“But that does leave us with the difficult problem of how we continue causing as much pain and suffering to the UK public as possible.”
“To that end, the public is encouraged to throw themselves down stairs, stick their faces in fans, and thrust forks into their own testicles. If you don’t have testicles, then grow a pair.”
Categories: Fake News
Cool kids ‘were right’ to mock future Olympic loser
It was the arbiters of teenage cool at Alderman Bagnall Comprehensive in Mansfield that drove 21-year-old Kevin Burgess on. As early as 2005, the skinny misfit decided to silence their cruel taunts by seeking glory at the London Olympics. Now that his dream has fizzled out anonymously, he has been forced to concede that they were quite right to label him a saddo gayer.
‘I was determined to prove them all wrong. I followed my dream, gave it 100% and travelled two hours each way to train in the freezing cold every day at Don Valley for three years, just to be nearly last in the qualifying heat, viewed by a few hundred people on the red button,’ said Burgess. ‘And to think I could have spent that time drinking cider down the rec and pretending to have fingered girls. What a fool I’ve been.’
By a mixture of sheer hard work and the lack of anyone else in competing at such a lame event, Burgess rose to be Britain’s number six 3,000 metre steeplechaser. Fate then smiled when two of those who finished ahead of him in qualifying were injured and another was disqualified for taking cough mixture. He lined up in the heats last Friday but limped home 18th of 20, far behind the Kenyans and Ethiopians.
Opininon is now divided among Burgess’s local contemporaries. Some have reluctantly conceded that sixth best in Britain is not that bad, while others insist that he is still a gangly retard streak of piss who needs a good kicking. School social king Thomas ‘Tommo’ Godfrey, meanwhile, remarked that Burgess might be able to outrun him but not the BMW he has bought on the proceeds of dominating the local drug trade.
‘I suppose it’s as well I lost. I could hardly thank my supportive family, as they all think I’m a loser and missed my appearance to go shopping,’ Burgess concluded. ‘On the positive side, I did get a text off Hayley Brown, who I fancied something rotten at school. It said ‘u did quite well. can u send me usan bolts number, id well shag him lol’. You never know, this could be the start of something.’
Categories: Fake News
Gold medal-winning UK athlete forgets to cry during BBC interview
Gold medal-winning UK athlete, Gary Stephenson, has angered many TV spectators after forgetting to cry during his post-event interview.
Gary, 28, of Melton Mowbray, ranked world number one in the Omnomnomnom, broke the UK, Commonwealth, Olympic and World Records, scoring 38461.8 points from the judges and in the public telephone vote. He achieved this in only six hours and eight minutes without spilling any of it, beating his nearest rival by a full four furlongs.
Interviewed by chirpy cockney commentator Alec Welsh, he was goaded into talking about his hard life, the loss of his childhood budgie, his fungal nail infection, the perils of lockdown, his ginger hair, and how he funded his own trip to Tokyo by washing cars and acting as a hitman for a wealthy Russian oligarch in the King’s Road.
“I was so excited and happy to have won. I just forgot to cry,” he told our reporter. “I’d been practising, too, but when the moment came, I just dried up. I even had a tissue soaked in Olbas Oil in my pocket just in case.”
“I remembered at the last minute, but it was too late, and they had already cut to the weather forecast,” he continued, “I’ve really let the team down. I don’t deserve to have won.”
His trainer, Derek Buchanan, told Gary that it was not such a big deal, but he secretly knows that public opinion is much more important than ability and success where funding and the Olympics are concerned.
Categories: Fake News
Odysseus slams today’s travel whingers
“Blimey! A few hours waiting for test results. Maybe having to self isolate for a week when you get home. It took me ten years to get back. And that’s after ten years fighting the Trojan War for flip’s sake!
“Red or amber. Huh. Try sneaking back to your boat under the belly of a sheep. Weather a bit rough? What rowing between the six-headed monster Scylla and the whirlpool Charybdis. Nambies.
“Then you get home and find there’s a load of freeloaders trying to get off with you wife, and you have to slaughter them all. Puts a pile of junk mail into perspective, doesn’t it?
“Mind you, I’ve not flown with Ryanair. I understand that can have its challenges.”
Categories: Fake News
Just for 5 minutes you can dream that Messi will join your club
With the news that Lionel Messi is parting ways with Barcelona, every football fan can briefly indulge his fantasy that Messi will want to join a wind swept, dour English team. For a fleeting moment you can imagine that he will want to trade sunny Spain for getting kicked up and down your local pitch.
Remarked one fan: ‘He could go to PSG or Chelsea but I suspect he’ll plump for Gosport. We’ve got one wooden stand, a spare ball and all the pies he can eat’.
Another said: ‘Our pub team can always use someone a bit nippy’. Said one Akela: ‘There will always be a place for young Lionel, in our under-9s cub team. But he will have to supply his own woggle’.
Categories: Fake News
Rioters to phase out petrol bombs by 2040
The Royal Society Of Low Emission Street damage (RSOLES) has announced plans to end the use of petrol bombs in the next 23 years.
Barry Neanderthal of Bermondsey explained. ‘We encourage all responsible rioters to consider their carbon footprints, if you look back to the 2012 riots when we felt we did some of our finest work, it becomes concerning that some of the people who set fire to cars might have created some pollution.’
RSOLES’ research into alternatives started last week, as they urge trouble makers to consider the use of equivalent fuels.
‘The thing with diesel bombs is as well as being bad for the environment, they’re slow to ignite and cause prolonged chaos as people slip on the spilled fuel that never evaporates,’ said Barry. ‘For those thinking of starting a riot this weekend, as it stands our official recommendation is a magnifying glass and a lot of patience.’
apepper with hat tip to Titus
Categories: Fake News
UK travellers to be given advanced new ‘coin toss’ test for Covid
Holidaymakers returning to the UK are to be given a scientifically advanced ‘coin toss’ test to decide whether they should go into quarantine for Covid.
This follows the revelation that only one in twenty of the PCR tests that international travellers must take are properly checked using genome sequencing to uncover dangerous Covid variants.
“What this effectively means is that people have been paying an average of £75 each for a bloke in a lab to hold their sample up to the light and say ‘looks all right to me,’” said a spokesman for NHS Test and Trace.
“Our new system is cheaper, quicker and no less random. Upon disembarking, every passenger must queue up, pay £50 and then shuffle past a grumpy Border Force official who spins a coin and says: ‘heads: you’re clear’ or ‘tails: go into quarantine in a hotel and spend £2,000 you can’t afford.’
“It is scientifically proven,” said the spokesman, “because the science says beyond doubt that the coin will always come down on one side or another. It also means the government can keep the profits flowing to their chums in the private sector who wangled contracts to carry out Covid testing.”
It is thought the coin toss test was dreamt up on the spot by prime minister Boris Johnson during a cabinet meeting while ministers were playing ‘spin the bottle’ to decide who would be the next chief executive of the NHS.
Categories: Fake News
Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing
In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show’s first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.
In a statement released last night, the show’s producers revealed: “We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country’s balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide”.
It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.
A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: “I’m really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire” he said.
“However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won’t hesitate to take back control”, he chuckled.
It is understood that Farage’s contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.
Danny Soz
Categories: Fake News
Suspended German show jumping coach apologises”I thought it was a Suffolk Punch”
Categories: Fake News
Medical team confirm winner of Paris 2024 Olympics stakeboarding ‘not yet born
Categories: Fake News
Johnson to ring Sturgeon’s doorbell then run away
Boris Johnson is visiting Scotland for as little time as he can possibly get away with before too many Scottish people notice he is there and run him out of the country.
A Tory spokesman looked appalled at the prospect of travelling so far from Surrey:
‘How frightful! We are compelled to visit the wild, uncivilised, frozen north, Jocksville or Scotchland or whatever it’s called, in order to pretend we care about countries other than England. I want to assure the Tory base that we do not. I had assumed Scotchland was in Game of Thrones, not the UK. We’re gone as soon as the Prime Minister achieves his principle strategic objective of not meeting Nicola Sturgeon, but in a super-secret, super-clever, super-sophisticated way that she will not see coming.’
An SNP spokesman responded:
‘He’s going to ring the door bell and then run away. The only question is, will he be giggling? Ding dong, then leg it? Isn’t that how Boris treats most women? We know he’s a hyper-privileged man-child, prone to stunts and sulks, so we’ve covered the First Minister’s doorbell in raspberry jam and we’ve a bucket of gunge ready to go from an upstairs window.’
On being informed that Keir Starmer would also be visiting Scotland, the SNP spokesman looked pensive.
‘I know that name, wait, don’t tell me. No, it’s gone, sorry. I hope he has a nice time though, whoever he is.’
Categories: Fake News
Jeremy Corbyn’s Premier League do’s and don’ts
As the 2019/20 Premier League season kicks off this weekend, the Labour leader disseminates advice on ‘the beautiful game’ for the militant lefty.
Do:
Write to a senior civil servant demanding they block the Premier League until the embargo against the free movement of players between clubs is resolved.
Cry bourgeois elitism when it’s explained the embargo is a universally accepted transfer window.
Don’t:
Attend games in person. If you must, do as I did watching Cluj versus Celtic in Romania last week; admit to your attendance but claim you weren’t involved. This works for any event where plausible deniability is a necessity when in the glare of the capitalist propaganda outlets.
Do:
Only acknowledge the talents of a team’s left-winger, or anyone left-footed. Observe only through your left eye.
Don’t:
Condemn your team’s player for recklessly tackling an opponent. Instead condemn all tackles and commission a public inquiry into the incumbent administration’s failure to devote adequate resources year-on-year to tackle tackling.
Do:
Publicly denounce the process of deciding the winning team and the part played by the victorious dictatorial Prime Manager to be a wholly unconstitutional un-democratic feudal throwback at every opportunity, yet never wither from the all-consuming desire to be a victorious dictatorial Prime Manager yourself.
Don’t:
Pick a Premier League team to support until the end of the season and the outcome of the fascistic gladiatorial façade is revealed. Then pick Arsenal.
Categories: Fake News
Thatcher posthumously awarded ‘inadvertent eco-warrior ’85’
PR genius Boris Johnson has revealed that Margaret Thatcher was in fact a trailblazing eco-warrior – a fact even she was entirely unaware of.
Channelling the climate crisis unfolding a mere 25 years later, tree-hugging nature-enthusiast Margaret Thatcher began a Greta Thunberg-esque eco-campaign all the way back in the mid-eighties. Whilst some suggested she had cruelly devistated communities with her brutal decision to close coal mines, they were entirely unaware that she actually posessed incredible psychic powers. Against all the odds, she knew this ‘eco-nonsense’ would catch on in the future and relatively normal people would be into it, not just those eco-vegan weirdos that were around in the eighties.
Due to Boris’ incarceration in the Bullingdon Club throughout the eighties, paired with his complete refusal to associate with the lower classes, he does not remember the fallout first hand.
Some have suggested Boris is ‘completely out of touch’ with the old mining communities and ‘doesn’t have any idea’ what they went through. Boris vehemently disagrees, believing himself to be ‘just like a real-life miner’ due to his relentless ability to dig himself big holes and accumulate a lot of dirt on himself.
Categories: Fake News
NewsBiscuit Podcast Episode 4
Available for FREE on Spotify, Youtube, iTunes and many other podcast platforms.
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Categories: Fake News
