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Woolly mammoth urged to be more specific
Categories: Fake News
A level grades to be replaced with assessment of wealth and colour of skin
Following the success of the teacher awarded grades for A levels this year, the government has decided to formalise the process and ditch exams completely.
‘Exams have their place,’ admitted one Minister today, ‘but sometimes poor people pass them, and not only white poor people too. Not that we want to hold back talented, intelligent poor people, regardless of skin colour, but McDonald’s needs competent managers and universities need white, upper-class students.’
A UCAS spokesperson confirmed that under the new scheme, there would still be places for ordinary students regardless of background, income or colour. Just not the best ones.
Categories: Fake News
Veteran dog walker finally finds corpse in woods
After years of waking up early to walk his dog, retiree Mike Edwards has finally found a corpse. The grim discovery, which he suspects will be the first of many, was made early yesterday morning when he noticed a hand sticking out from beneath some leaves.
‘I’ve been walking my dog through the woods every morning since I retired fifteen years ago’, said the 67-year-old. ‘Everybody knows that all dog walkers eventually find something like this, but I’ve not once found a mangled body or a skeleton. I’ve never even come across a discarded running shoe with the foot still inside. That all changed today; it’s terribly exciting’.
When pressed for details of the gruesome find, he explained: ‘It was textbook. My black labrador ran ahead and I lost sight of him, but then I found him sniffing around a pile of leaves and saw the hand poking out.  I realised it was the body of an old woman. I phoned the police straightaway and waited for them to arrive. They put a tent around the body, and then a haggard looking world-weary cop turned up to take over and wind-up the forensics team’.
The Chief Superintendent in charge of the crime scene said: ‘We thank this old man for contacting us but we will not be talking to him from now on, and even though he discovered the body, he is not a suspect and you won’t be seeing him again’.
‘At the moment we have no idea who the dead woman is but assume that the discovery of the body will be the start of a long and complex investigation. We suspect that the motive for the murder will have its roots in something that happened decades ago, possibly in a children’s home.
He concluded: ‘We would ask anyone who may know the dead person to come forward so that we may suspect them of not giving us the full story before offloading in an emotional denouement, at which point we will probably agree that the dead woman had it coming. For now I’ve passed the investigation over to a shambolic, divorced, middle-aged functioning alcoholic who deals with this sort of thing every week’.
bookiesfriend
Categories: Fake News
The Taliban – ‘Back in Black’
It is the rock reunion that they said would never happen, the world’s favourite boy band (definitely no girls allowed) ‘The Taliban’ are back on the road and setting Afghanistan alight. Their whistle-stop tour of abandoned U.S. military bases has delighted their fans and infuriated invading armies.
One groupie, who had had her burqa signed by the band, squealed with delight: ‘They played all the old favourites. And when I say old, we’re talking 700 B.C. We like our metal heavy and usually fired from an AK-47’
In the end, Afghans just found the sound of Western democracy rather bland, complained one disgruntled U.S. General: ‘There’s nothing wrong with John Denver’. Meanwhile, The Taliban will be playing all the major cities and with a supporting line-up that includes ‘a large can of Whoopass’.
Said one band member: ‘Many assumed it was drugs and drink that caused us to split, but we’re not that kind of group. We actually split over artistic differences – none of us approved of any art from the last two hundred years. That said, we’ve buried the hatchet now – in our enemy’s skull’.
Categories: Fake News
Russia wants its money back from British embassy traitor
Following the arrest of an employee in Britain’s Berlin embassy who was allegedly passing intelligence to Russia, the Kremlin has asked for a full refund.
“We paid David S a fortune to feed us high-level intelligence from the British government,” said a Russian government spokesman. “However, he gave us nothing that you could possibly call intelligence.”
“All we got from his bug inside Downing Street was a constant stream of plummy-voiced burbling, which our agents can make no sense of whatsoever, and night-time quarrels – apparently over the new wallpaper and a badly-behaved mongrel called Dylan.”
“That’s how the Russians got stung,” said a senior MI6 officer. “There’s no point trying to spy out British state intelligence. There isn’t any left.”
Categories: Fake News
Shire Police called as Hobbit and Orc violence erupts at Green Dragon pub
Officers from Hobbiton Constabulary were called to a violent disturbance at the Green Dragon Pub in The Shire, Middle Earth after a brawl broke out between a gang of orcs and hobbits watching the semi-final in the Mystical World Cup being held in Mordor.
Sam Gamgee, a gardener from The Hill area, told reporters, ‘I was just sitting there with my master, like watching the game, when all of a sudden this orc matey jumps up on a table, all body amour, bloodstains and gore, points at us hobbits and starts singing ‘you’re all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah. You’re all shit with hairy feet, doo-dah doo-dah day.’
‘Well, that was it, and it all kicked off big style with chairs, bottles and glasses flying everywhere – total carnage and very scary. But luckily, this old chap, Mr Gandalf, had just arrived in the village. Next thing he shakes his staff and the bar’s enveloped by coloured lights and the sound of rushing wind, then everything sort of calms down again.’ ‘Mind, I still feels dazed and confused after that and don’t even know who won the game.’
Meanwhile, it’s understood Gamgee’s master, local celebrity, Frodo Baggins, is wanted for questioning. Det Sgt Ted Sandyman told reporters. ‘I can confirm Baggins is a person of interest in this matter, but his whereabouts are currently unknown after he somehow managed to disappear into thin air during the fracas.’
Categories: Fake News
‘Is the BBC too obsessed with itself?’, BBC TV news anchor asks BBC’s BBC reporter
The BBC is not obsessed with itself, according to a report by the BBC’s BBC correspondent, Tim Ledger. The report contradicts another BBC internal investigation commissioned by the BBC, entitled ‘Whither the BBC? Â A BBC inquiry on BBC attitudes to the BBC’.
However, tonight on Panorama the  British Broadcasting Corporation will broadcast a thorough investigation into charges that the BBC is too obsessed with examining whether it is too obsessed with itself. The report finds no evidence whatsoever of what experts have dubbed ‘John Simpson Syndrome’.
Attempts by the BBC to make a fly-on-the-wall documentary about itself have lead to a massive feedback loop and an eternal philosophical paradox.
Categories: Fake News
AI can diagnose dementia just by asking for your email’s ‘memorable word’
Scientists have created an artificial intelligence system that can detect brain deterioration by asking you to remember a vague detail you once used to set up your Hotmail account twenty years ago. In fact, your password itself has been auto inputted for so long you have probably forgotten that as well.
A trial at Addenbrooke’s Hospital, asking 500 respondents, when was the last time they did a Windows update? Only 10% could recall the date, and 5% of them were confused Apple Mac owners.
Explained one clinician: ‘Originally we used a crude metric, by asking people what day the bins go out. But we found the password recovery process bamboozles anyone over 30. Remember that memorable holiday? No, neither do we. What about your geography teacher’s pet name, or can you recall your partner’s favourite book? Who the hell knows or cares?’
If further proof was needed, the second stage of the password recovery involves receiving a six-digit number to a phone you no longer own. ‘It’s almost as if the brain struggles to remember the street where your third cousin grew up on’.
Categories: Fake News
Journalism in crisis as interviewed journalist fails to follow convention
The world of journalism was in crisis today as a journalist forgot the most important aspect of good professional behaviour during a radio interview. During a spot on Radio 4, when being interviewed as a substitute for someone on the grounds that he knew something, he completely failed to support his interviewer and fellow journalist by saying that what was being asked was “a very good question”.
He went on to omit the second most important elaboration, namely that an extra nugget of information he was about to convey was “particularly interesting”. Nor did the accepted variant of “really fascinating” crop up at any point.
The final disgrace was the absence of any comment to the effect that “everyone wants to know” the answer to the unheralded Very Good Question.
According to a spokesman for Radio 4, ‘A journalist refusing to deny that he hadn’t confirmed that he had omitted not to describe a question as very good, was of great concern to our listeners.’
HATTIP: Sir Lupus
Categories: Fake News
Progressive Daily Telegraph to showcase brunettes’ brains
The Daily Telegraph’s main photo on A level results day is to be a group of attractive posh brunette 18-year-old girls in short skirts, hugging each other. This is a marked change from attractive posh blonde 18-year-old girls in short skirts hugging each other, demonstrating just how progressive the newspaper is.
‘It’s Metoo feminism gone mad,’ said photographer and noted pervert Warren Wright.
‘We know what those retired colonels like. The girls are all 18, so it’s all technically legal. I hope so because I’m already on the register. I was worried that Covid regulations would prevent these group shots – yeah, just like that, darling. Maybe another shirt button. Yeah, now, kiss.’
A nearby celebrating student Francesca Fraser adjusted her glasses before saying:
‘I’ve just got into Cambridge to study Astrophysics. Those two lezzing it up for the camera don’t even study here; they work at the shop next door.’
Categories: Fake News
Jedis disappointed with new ‘energy-saving’ lightsabers
Jedi knights have expressed anger at plans to phase out traditional lightsabers in favour of new, more environmentally-friendly models.
‘These new lightsabers are rubbish,’ complained Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. ‘They take ages to light up and when they do you can barely see anything with them.’
The energy saving directive has been issued by so-called ‘Galactic bureaucrats’ and is seen by Jedis as particularly galling since many of their enemies on the dark side have so far refused to sign up.
‘What’s the use in having an environmentally friendly lightsaber,’ asked Kenobi, ‘when Sith Lord Darth Maul can still prance about with his energy guzzling double headed model? And don’t get me started on his carbon footprint. Have you seen his airmiles?’
‘I refuse to switch to these new low energy sabers,’ said a typically petulant Luke Skywalker. ‘By the time they’ve reached full brightness you may have already had your hand chopped off by a man you didn’t even realise was your own father.’
However, intergalactic environmentalist George Monbiot disagrees. ‘The old lightsabers may look impressive but they are very energy inefficient. Jedis need to appreciate that The Force is a finite resource and that we need to conserve it – at least until we develop environmentally sustainable solar wind farms.’
To avoid the ban many Jedis are already stocking up on the old style sabers. ‘Sales have gone through the roof,’ said saber merchant Jabba the Hutt, ‘as have many of the Jedis when they refuse to pay my exorbitant asking price.’
The directive is the latest in a long line of new rules and regulations emanating from The Galactic Republic. ‘Only last month they ordered us to fit all our equipment with silencers,’ whined Kenobi. ‘It doesn’t make saving the universe any easier when you also have to run around humming your own lightsaber noise. And while we’re on the subject, I absolutely refuse to move over to Imperial.’
‘Political correctness gone mad, it is,’ added Jedi Grand Master Yoda. ‘Environmentally friendly we must be, but green I am already.’
Categories: Fake News
Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers
Pop entrepreneur and TV personality Simon Cowell is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul Jeff Bezos and Virgin Media boss Richard Branson, who have both recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed wooden catapult. When attached to the braces on his massive, high-waistband trousers, it will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.
Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell (87), said, “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel. So this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.”
Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back and lead-lined wellington boots. These will counterbalance the lack of gravitational pull and bring him back down to Earth, where he will splash down in the Limehouse Basin in East London a day or two later.
The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.
Categories: Fake News
UK leading way to reduce fossil fuels by making more people poorer – Johnson
Following his observation that Margaret Thatcher was a climate change visionary, closing the pits to save the planet, Prime Minister Johnson has added that his government’s attempts to make all but a select few poorer is intended to make it impossible for ‘ordinary people’ to afford heating or light. ‘That way, there will be a net reduction in the need to generate electricity, saving the planet again,’ he said today.
‘By increasing poverty, this government is likely to save the planet many times over,’ the Prime Minister said. He declined to comment on the effect of population growth on the environment.
Categories: Fake News
Quirky gesture to camera to be compulsory for 2024 Olympians, organisers confirm
All competitors in the 2024 Olympics in Paris will need to perform some kind of wacky gesture to the camera as they are introduced to spectators just before they start their event, Olympic officials confirmed today.
The news comes after some of those competing at Tokyo 2020 opted for a generic smile to the camera and a slightly self-conscious wave as their name was announced to a global audience of billions.
‘They’ve had five years to prepare their ‘to-camera shot”, said an Olympic spokesperson. ‘So, it was disappointing to see some athletes insisting on a slightly scary fixed look of intense concentration, staring towards an imaginary point in the distance’.
‘The Olympics has a long tradition of confident gestures to camera,’ noted the spokesperson wistfully. ‘We need to see more of those ‘index finger pointing forward like a gun whilst nodding your head and winking’ set pieces that were universal in the mens’ 100m back in Los Angeles 1984, but which have sadly faded away. Or some of those ironic ‘Rodin’s thinker’ type poses that some of the boxers do as they come in the ring’.
‘Every single participant in the female gymnastics managed to make that heart gesture with their thumb and index fingers every time they were on camera, so I don’t see why the track cyclists can’t do it as they’re lined up on a 45% banking’, continued the spokesperson. ‘The table tennis guys could do a little routine with their bat and ball, the sailors some kind of hornpipe pastiche. The dressage… we’ll come back to you on that, but there must be something, maybe a little pretend gallop followed by someone getting quite angry and then throwing a punch’.
In separate news, it has been announced that ‘medal biting’ in post-podium photographs will also return to being a compulsory routine for winners in Paris 2024, after becoming just an optional gesture at Tokyo 2020 due to COVID.
Categories: Fake News
Water companies apologise for not announcing water shortages during recent fine weather
National water suppliers have apologised for not automatically announcing a water shortage this year. Companies have cited a software glitch as the cause for the delay in the usual round of water shortage scaremongering.
‘The new system, linked directly to the Meteorological Office, is supposed to automatically release a press release announcing water shortages at the merest hint of sunshine – it’s a much cheaper way of saving water than mending leaking pipes,’ said a spokesperson. ‘Unfortunately, the threshold settings were set incorrectly this year, so the system didn’t work.’
The companies have embarked on a joint million-pound project to fix this problem, to be paid for by a rise in domestic water rates. ‘A hike in your monthly water bill will ensure that future drought warnings will be bang on time. In fact we might even forecast one in time for Christmas, just to make up for this years failure.’
rikernumber1
Categories: Fake News
We’ll give up everything to save Earth – except cars, planes, meat, etc
In light of the UN’s damning climate change report, politicians have demanded that we all look concerned and nod in a sage-like way. Everyone agreed it was really important to do something, provided it was not now and not them.
The public was encouraged to change their lifestyle but only if it is not too inconvenient. Foreign holidays would be cancelled unless they were going anywhere nice. Cars would be replaced by public transport, except when it involved buses or trains. Meals would be vegetarian only, with a side order of steak.
As one concerned citizen said: ‘David Attenborough got me to give up plastic cocktail sticks, which was a toughy, as I normally drink pints. We should definitely do so something about the environment, and when I say we, I mean our grandchildren. Provided, of course, they’re not already 10ft under the sea.’
Categories: Fake News
Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday
A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.
Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, killing or injuring more than half of the population.
A doctor in a local hospital said: “It’s been pretty grim here for a number of years. When we heard that British people wouldn’t be able to jet off to Benidorm due to uncertainty over the traffic light system, we couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. So we’re offering cheap accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.
“Of course, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad’s forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets, but at least the weather’s good at this time of year, and they’ll go home with a healthy tan.’
A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, “We don’t recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you’re pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition, in which case, your body could conceivably end up like those piled high in our own streets during the third wave, although the prime minister has assured the country that this may or may not be the case if we all use our British common sense.”
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Categories: Fake News
