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UN to insist Channel Islands are British
The UNâs maritime law tribunal has ruled that Mauritius has no sovereignty over the Channel Islands and criticised Mauritius for its failure to hand the territory back to the UK. This confirms an International Court of Justice ruling and UN General Assembly vote.
The Channel Islands include a variety of tax havens, although not a US military base. Mauritius has said it will return the islands when they’re no longer needed for financial skulduggery and tax avoidance. In a weirdly petty development, Channel Island postal stamps are to be banned, although British courts will still use rubber stamps to approve the wishes of the bankers who own them.
A small and isolated island nation, largely dependent on tourist income, the UK is led by electrocuted scarecrow Boris Johnson. Britain is also famous for its beaches which are covered in exotic shell companies.
Captains Ahab, Birdseye, Blackbeard and Pugwash issued a rare joint statement, dismissive of the UN ruling, saying ‘Shiver me timbers, if a cutlass, an aircraft carrier and a centre for offshore finance can be beaten by the rule of law, where can a pirate go? Apart from the British Virgin Islands that is. Nowhere near Britain and nowhere near virgins. Arrr.’
[big hat tip to Sir Lupus]
Categories: Fake News
UK hesitates after evidence reveals al-Assad is probably a meerkat
There was disarray in the UK Parliament last night on the question of whether or not to intervene in Syria as evidence emerged that President Bashar Al-Assad may actually be a meerkat.
Despite some suggestion that he may be a tyrannical despot involved in the murder of his people through high explosives and, latterly, chemical weapons, a majority of the British parliament remains convinced that he is a small furry mammal far more interested in selling insurance products than slaughtering innocent civilians.
Opposition politicians and several Tory MPs, including a couple of forgetful government ministers, dismissed evidence that Assad was actually and dementedly human, and produced evidence of pamphlets that he had distributed which offered great deals for couples with a home, or cars, or even landlords which they could pass for scrutiny under the eyes of inspectors from trading standards, before even thinking about taking appropriate action.
The vote on whether in principle British forces should be used to fire missiles at Syrian government assets to prevent any more attacks on civilians was further scuppered by alternative views that it might be better to humanely leave a trail of peanuts all the way to the bushes and get rid of him that way instead.
‘Part of NATO’s role is to bring stability in crisis zones where civilians are in danger,’ said Anders Fogh Rasmussen, head of NATO, ‘but imagine the public horror if we launched a load of missiles at the House of Meerkovo on prime-time television and showed the results. That tattered and torn smoking jacket. Those soft toys strewn everywhere away from the dignity of their packaging. We lose the battle for hearts and minds, right there.”
However, the situation remains tense and in stalemate after a ten-hour debate in the House of Commons failed to agree whether Assad looks more like ‘Sergei’ or ‘Aleksandr’.
The US government dismissed the need to wait, citing the fact that all the meerkats they’ve come across appear to have implausible Russian accents which they claim only strengthens their suspicions that Al-Assad is probably human after all. ‘And if anyone in the Syrian regime dares to say ‘Simples’,’ said US secretary of Defence, Chuck Hagel, ‘We’ll nuke ’em all to hell.’
Image by Ian Lindsay from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Disgusting marine life found in ocean of beautiful plastic
Refuse conservationists have warned that marine life is finding its way into the planet’s oceans of plastic. “This is a concerning development,” said Professor Clive Collins from the Institute of Secretly Getting Paid Shitoalds By Fossil Fuel Interest Groups. “At this stage we can’t say whether marine life entering our delicate and fragile microplastic ecosystems could be harmful to humans, or ineed the entire planet.
“More research is needed. And by that I mean more funding so that my colleagues and I can live ever more plastic-based lavish lifestyles, while we pretend to do important things by holding up conical flasks of coloured liquids, and looking serious while stroking our chins.
“One thing is for sure, it is a disgusting and unsightly development, and the governments of the world need to act urgently to prevent this marine life situation spiralling out of control. If we don’t see a significant change in our behaviour, we could be overrun with dolphins and shit, and everyone needs to come together and work hard to prevent that.
“This is the bit where I use words like ‘catastrophic disaster’ and phrases like ‘imagine turning your tap on at home and finding a blue whale in your glass’. Our PR guy insists it will get us a lot more coverage for our cause and scare people into immediate action. But seriously, this could cause severe harm to the non-biodegradable thermo-setting microplastic ecology we have spent decades cultivating.”
Image by Mikes-Photography from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Man shaves after concluding his lockdown beard is more Lineker than Clooney
A manâs attempt to grow designer stubble during lockdown has ended in defeat after he was forced to admit that it made him look more like a scruffy football pundit than a Hollywood actor.
Mr James Lloyd of Basingstoke had not allowed his facial hair to grow since failing dismally in the sixth form grow a moustache competition several decades earlier, but thought lockdown brought the ideal opportunity to develop a new cool and stylish image, only 30 years after it became fashionable.
But after four months of ensuring his face was blurry and poorly lit during Zoom meetings while he grew and trimmed and shaped his new look, Mr Lloyd has given up and shaved it all off. However, he is not at all downhearted. âMy wife said getting rid of the beard took ten years off me so Iâm going to grow it and shave it all off again at least twice more,â he explained.
Image by Hands off my tags! Michael Gaida from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Man who closed the sea defends Dominic Raab
‘You’re all being very unfair to Mr Raab,’ said the man who declared the sea closed last week. ‘I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff – lots of plastic stuff, and poo – lots of poo – have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn’t go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There’s a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It’s a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.’
The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. ‘I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.’
Image by Isa KARAKUS from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
NetFlix blamed for âemptyâ enclosures at troubled monkey attraction
The âGo Bananasâ monkey sanctuary in Dorset is at the centre of criticism from both animal welfare experts and visitors, after it was revealed that an initiative to provide cutting-edge, 21st century facilities for resident primates encountered a series of problems.
As Peter Cooper, Head Keeper, explained, âMonkeys are sophisticated and complex higher primates who love life and have a passion for adventure and new experiences. Unfortunately, we donât really have the staff, or the money to give them that, so earlier this year we thought, âF*ck it, we could just get them the latest 4K televisions, take advantage of 6 month discount subscription to Netflix and let them binge-watch some mind-rotting TV like their human equivalents. What could go wrong?â
To begin with, feedback from both keepers and the parkâs guests to the initiative were positive, despite the odd riot or two over the ownership of the remote control. However, by the beginning of July the situation had changed for the worse.
âWe were starting to get complaints about some of the animals’ behaviour in front of the guests, particularly if the guests were discussing anything television-related’, noted Simon Lewis-Briggs, duty manager. âFor example, Bobo the gorilla, ‘overheard’ two girls discussing some American reality TV show and he started covering his ears and grunting something that sounded very much like, âNo spoilers, no spoilers!â, and begun baring his teeth and banging on the glass of the enclosure.
âNow the primates won’t leave their inner enclosures at all, unless to feed or shit. And sometimes not even then – when they got hold of the last series of The Crown, we didn’t see them for days.
Amidst falling ticket sales, the attractionâs management team have worked hard to make the best of the situation. ‘We’ve installed interactive booths at every enclosure so the kids can watch what is not happening and then vote on whether they think the monkeys are still alive’, continued Lewis-Briggs. âDead or Escaped: You Decideâ is bringing it home!
Not all visitors have been positive about the changes, however. As one indicated, âLike the majority of people who come here I donât give a shit about monkeys, today Iâve spent all my time, smoking, drinking coffee and shouting at kids.â Whilst another, Judy Little, said. âI donât know what the fuss is all about. Staring mindlessly for hours at an enclosure waiting expectedly for some animals to do something isnât much different from watching Love Island.â
DGreen
Image by Vinson Tan ( ćĽ çĽ ćŚ ) from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Charlie Watts âdrove London busâ throughout Stones career.
âGet on a 270 bus at Wandsworth and it wouldnât be surprising to see Charlie at the wheelâ, revealed a childhood pal after the news of the Stones famously down-to-earth drummerâs passing. âHe never forgot his bus routes, despite the fame and wealth. Even in the middle of a UK tour heâd sneak off to go down Lambeth Garage and climb aboard.â
âEven when Mick and Murray Unfaithful were getting in deep in the interplanetary confectionery business, Charlieâs preference was for a small portion of whelks. Even when Keef joined the Taliban cos he liked the funny clobber and their prices for smack were reasonable if you bought in bulk, Charlie preferred a shandy and a three piece worsted from Cecil Gee. And while other drummers needed local authority planning permission to set up their drum kits, Charlie was perfectly at home with a family-size Quality Street tin and some chop sticks, hence his inimitable pared down style and his fondness for hard centres. And he was married to his Mrs throughout their time together as man and wife, even when the rest of the band succumbed to the charms of âgropiesâ and one night music stands and all spent the night together.â
Now Watts will take his place in the Repercussion Hall of Fame alongside Keith Moo, Bloody Rich, Ginger âBiscuitsâ and that one from the Police who isnât even dead yet.
Image by Jordan Holiday from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Prince Andrew appointed trade envoy to Love Island
Liz Truss insisted that Andrew could bring a wealth of experience about private islands, inappropriate love and pizza related alibis. One aide commented: âThey both seemed so excited, we didnât have the heart to tell them that Love Island is not a real countryâ.
Prince Andrew is said to have been ready to leave in an instant, having had his bags packed for a hasty exit months ago. He did insist that his new role would be covered by diplomatic immunity, anonymity on Tinder and an untraceable Search History.
Meanwhile, the International Trade Secretary has made her mark by appointing a string of inappropriate envoys; including Oliver Cromwell to Ireland, Henry V to France and Kate Hoey to anywhere. Many have sarcastically commented that Truss was just pulling names out of a hat, while her aide explained: âItâs not that that strategicâ.
Andrew will be solely responsible for the import and export of love to the UK, with his primary focus on emerging markets â ânothing too oldâ he demanded. Unlike other Royals who have been accused of not working hard, Andrew promised to be very hands on.
Image by adamkontor from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Premier League refs to allow more physical play.
Amongst those delighted with this decision is Sandy Ballsover â Artistic Director for FADA â the Football Academy for the Dramatic Arts.
âThis is great newsâ gushed Sandy. âIt means that the methods we teach for conning the ref â sorry I meant appealing for the obviously correct decision â are more important than ever. We can offer a whole range of training classes for the Sunday morning pub team clogger right up to the English International clogger. Amongst the many skills we can develop are:-
â˘Falling like a ton of bricks if an opponentâs boot gets anywhere near a leg, rolling around on the ground as if the leg has been remove just below the hip. Subsequently getting up and running the length of the pitch in just under 10 seconds.
â˘If fouled â and following the above performance, the opponent gets red / yellow carded, adopting a rueful grin and trying to shake his hand.
â˘Having finally been red-carded for a series of tackles which anywhere else would result in a jail sentence, leaving the pitch with eyes downcast and sadly shaking the head â think Mother Teresa.
â˘Utilising the Larry Olivier thespian techniques whilst having a measured, philosophical discussion with the ref â eyes widened, mouth open (and ideally spittle flecked) and both arms held in the John McEnroe pose. Also undertaking rigorous research beforehand to uncover a swear word not used previously.
â˘Practicing spitting accuracy to ensure a well developed gob lands millimetres away from the refâs / linemenâs boot.
â˘Generous applauding the home supporters after yet another home loss. Ironically applauding the away supporters after an unprecedented away win.â
Asked if the Academy taught any actual football skills, Sandy giggled and said âdonât be silly darling!â
Image by Phillip Kofler from PixabayÂ
Categories: Fake News
Dating app user freaks out after receiving normal message
Sarah Paulley, a beauty therapist from Chester, has finally recovered from the shock of receiving a normal message from a man on a dating app.
The 22-year old was browsing the app one evening after work in the vague hope that her prince charming would appear when she least expected it.
âI was scrolling through all of my messages like I usually do of an evening: Unsolicited dick pic, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if Iâm up for no-strings fun, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me for a picture of my feet, dick pic, dick pic, someone asking me if I will birth his children from my ample hips, dick pic, dick pic, someone who has a picture of himself with his mum, dick pic, and so on and so forthâ said Sarah, âYâknow, the norm.â
âThen, there it was! A regular message from a nice-looking chap called Connor. He didnât have any serial killer vibes, mentions of dealing weed, or photos of him passed out with âprickâ written on his head, and the message itself was charming, witty, and ended with a question about my music taste. I was so shocked that I closed my account and deleted the app.â
âMaybe I should re-establish my profile and reply to him like a normal human being, without using the laughing emoji accompanied by the subtext of please don’t find out where I live‘ said Sarah.
‘Although to be honest, Iâll probably just wait until Iâm confident heâs moved on so I can return to my comfort zone of weirdos and sexually frustrated mechanics.â
Categories: Fake News
Burger sales treble after McDonaldâs announces theyâve run out of gherkins. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Stone dead. RIP
Categories: Fake News
Brexit chokes the chicken supply chain
Nandoâs is without chicken and McDonaldâs without milkshakes because of supply chain issues, including a Brexistential shortage of HGV drivers.
A spokeschicken for Nandoâs crossed the road, clucking that âDominic Raab couldnât have phoned Afghanistan to save the interpreters because he was on the phone to us, ordering lemon and herb but ânot too spicyâ. All we could give him was some lettuce and a moist towelette.â
A Foreign Office flunky denied this, saying ‘Dom always orders Extra Hot, because he’s a big brave boy. If heâs good and finishes all his phone calls, heâll get a milkshake from McDonaldâs.’
A Department of Transport spokesdriver, clearly Grant Shapps wearing a fake moustache, stuck an elbow out of a lorry window, articulating a possible solution to the lack of drivers: âFor the first 8 hours youâre driving as Michael Green. Then for the next 8 hours you keep cruising as Sebastian Fox. Then another 8 hours behind the wheel as Corinne Stockheath â might need a little lipstick there. You can keep on trucking indefinitely with no safety implications. And you can honk the big horn. Toot toot. Iâve never felt so alive!’
HGV driver Ian Ingram said ‘Covid had really cut down on the prostitute and hitchhiker murdering that my alter ego “Stabby Steve” enjoys. Sometimes he wears their lipstick afterwards. Also, sorry about any Haribo shortages. “Stabby Steve” needs the sugar after all the murdering. The last one looked a bit like Grant Shapps in drag.’
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Taliban forbid all forms of music apart from the Stones
âWe love the Stones, rolling or otherwiseâ, said top Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar.
âMick Jagger and Keith Richards are just like us. Prancing long hair and massive drug users. We played âNot Fade Awayâ when we drove through the gates of Kabul, ‘Tumbling Lice’ when we get around to having our haircuts and of course âStreet Fighting Manâ is our all time favourite.
âAll other forms of music are now officially shit and strictly forbidden. You can keep all that rubbish like the Beatles and their terrible sixties songs about western military imperialism, such as Yellow Submarine and that Sergeant Pepper chapâ.
âIn fact my brother Ron always preferred David Bowie. Heâd go around all day singing âRubble Rubbleâ while shooting at women until we stoned the little bastard to death for being a rock hereticâ.
Categories: Fake News
PornHub to ban porn
In a move that has shocked the world of sweaty-palmed men the popular adult website PornHub has announced it will be banning all forms of pornography at the end of the month in the hopes it will encourage people to use the site more.
“It’s something we’ve been thinking of doing for a while” said CEO Max Hardon. “We think the idea of logging onto a computer, making sure your wife has left to visit her mother and then finding a video of that fetish she won’t let you do is so cliche. We want to embrace new forms of explicit media, like full-on gardening videos or erotic needlework. It is our belief that we will thrive in this new world, and it’ll only be a matter or time before all those other sites follow.”
This news was welcomed with dismay by users of the site. Regular visitor David Malcolm of Kidderminster Road in Truro (who requested not to be identified) said “This is ridiculous, how am I meant to get myself off now. My girlfriend left me two years ago and I can’t afford an escort. I’ll have to go back to buying FHM and… wait, that doesn’t exist anymore either?! F**K!”
WatcherMark
Categories: Fake News
