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Owner wins plaudits for blaming own dog over unprovoked attack
The owner of a so-called ‘dangerous dog’ has won plaudits on all sides for being the first to admit his dog was at fault when it attacked a man in the park who was innocently minding his own business.
Bernard Potts said: ‘I was walking towards the lake on my way to feed the ducks when, Satan, an eight stone Rottweiler, spotted me and came charging up with his teeth bared, slavering in a crazed manner pinning me to the ground.
He then explained Satan’s owner, 20 year-old Dale Marston, was most apologetic asking: ‘Are you all right? I’m so sorry. I don’t know why he did that. Mind you, he’s fucking mental and has a shocking vicious streak. He sometimes scares the shit out of me.’
But despite the terrifying ordeal Bernard has nothing but praise for Dale. ‘He never once told me it was my fault. That Satan never usually behaves that way, or insisted I was probably attacked because I had made a sudden move frightening the soppy old sod, who’d normally be more likely to lick me to death.’
Categories: Fake News
Covid over as nearly 800 people die in a week
The government announced today that the pandemic is as good as over. ‘Wear a mask if you must, wash your hands, keep your distance, whatever – loser,’ said a government spokesman. When it was pointed out that 797 people had died in the last seven days and that 70 had died in the same seven days last year the spokesman pointed out that due to the ‘fantastic benefit of the vaccines people aren’t getting as unwell and those who died probably weren’t as unwell as those a year ago thanks to the vaccines. They probably died a lot weller this year,’ he added.
The government has denied that the return to schools where social distancing, masks and common sense were being ditched would result in any increase in deaths. ‘There can’t be any more grandparents for the blighters to infect, surely?’ he asked.
photo by fietzfotos @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
‘Doc’ Brown to feature on new £50 note
Dr Emmet ‘Doc’ Brown, the eminent scientist who proved that it is possible to travel back and forth in time in a souped-up sports car, has been chosen from a list of over 100,000 acclaimed scientists from around the world to appear on the new £50 note, the Bank of England has confirmed.
‘Doc Brown wasn’t the only wide-eyed, deluded and insane scientist face nominated for the new banknote’ revealed Advisory Committee chair Jason Beesley ‘but we reasoned he was the only face people wouldn’t want to wipe their arse on. We are sure he will be a popular choice, not least with the young guy who left a £100 bet at 9000/1 with Ladbrokes in 1985 that he would appear on a bank note in 2019. How he came up with a prediction like that is anybody’s guess’.
Categories: Fake News
Speeding up as someone is over taking you and other ways to be a driving god
Few have what it takes to be an absolute driving god. Do you? Take our quiz to find out:
1. When someone overtakes you, do you:
a. Maintain a steady speed
b. Slow down a little so they can pull back in easily
c. Speed up and almost cause a head-on collision because being over-taken is a personal insult which must be met with the harshest retribution
2. When finding a parking space, do you:
a. Drive slowly and calmly waiting to find a good spot
b. Pop into the first space you see – anywhere will do
c. Become immediately irate that other people DARE to park in a designated parking area and you leave your car across TWO disabled spaces as punishment
3. The roads are busy and you are forced to travel approximately two miles below the speed limit. This is likely to mean you will arrive at your destination 20 seconds later than you hoped. Do you:
a. Mumble your irritations quietly under your breath
b. Do nothing, it’s nobody’s fault after all
c. Go completely f*cking nuts and drive as though you are Sandra Bullock in Speed and a bomb will go off if you drop below 60mph
4. When driving behind another vehicle, do you:
a. Maintain one car space
b. Maintain two car spaces
c. Drive right up their arse, flash your lights and shout obscenities until the idiot gets out of your way
5. What is your view on personalised number plates?
a. Only complete w*nkers have them
b. Indifference
c. Totally brilliant
Answers:
Mostly A : You are a pathetic driver. Catch the bus from now on.
Mostly B: How do you even have a driver’s licence?
Mostly C: Congratulations! You are a driving God! Other road users must bow to your superior driving ability!
photo: PublicDomainPictures @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Boris hears eerie voice whispering, “If you build it, they will come”
An eerie voice has been speaking to the Prime Minister, urging him to ‘build it’. And this time it isn’t the ghostly echo of the phantom Cummings telling him to hire some Russians to construct a ridiculously expensive briefing parlour which will hardly ever be used. At least, not for the benefit of the British public.
Having consulted his new top, highly paid advisor – a dusty magic 8 ball with a few critical bits missing – Boris Johnson knows just what to do.
A final good old shake of the magic money trees on the Theresa May Plantation has conjured up another £400 billion which doesn’t exist, and construction is under way on the next taxpayer-funded-forevermore money pit fresh off the Number 10 conveyor belt of bile.
Boris is erecting himself a London Gentleman’s Club-style building, including a lavish, oak panelled smoking room with fine art purloined from around the Empire. Like there aren’t 20 of those within vomiting distance of Whitehall already. But wait; this one will be replete with antique burgundy leather wingbacks for swilling brandy, sucking fat cigars, and chortling about how to f*@k the world up even more. So, completely different, then.
The hope is that when Boris gets it done, they will come. The ghosts of the greats from Conservative Party history will emerge from the vast fireplace, and croak ghoulish advice on which further fiendish plots to hatch.
Hullo, who’s this? Why it’s a glowing apparition of Enoch Powell with rivers of blood flowing from his eye sockets…
Categories: Fake News
Brazilian extinction advocate vacillates regarding own destiny
Trump-adjacent weirdo, Jair Bolsonaro, has publicly declared he will either win the next election, be arrested, or killed. His apparent difficulty in deciding has confused followers of the angry president. One supporter in Sao Paolo muttered: ‘Bolsonaro is not some kind of cheap hair care product you expect to wash out like that.
Usually he has strong opinions about everything – he is clear about the importance of killing all the animals in the forest, he said if his son is gay he wants him to have a deadly accident. So I don’t understand this wimpy three-way hedge. Is it possible he is not well?’
However, opposition leader Luiz Inacio de Silva commented favourably on Bolsonaro’s announcement, saying: ‘Some people think he is a bit of a meatloaf, but he’s got some good ideas. Two out of three ain’t bad.’
hat tip Titus
photo Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Men’s brains unable to recognise shades of colour like beige or elephant’s breath, say scientists
Since the dawn of time, women have struggled to understand why men are incapable of seeing colours like desert breeze, peach dream or camomile snow. They have long suspected men are being deliberately obstructive or just plain stupid. But ground breaking research shows beyond doubt that men’s brains are wired to see only one kind of white. The scientific term for the white that men can see is known as ‘white’, while the medical term for the condition they suffer from is ‘off-white deficiency syndrome.’
Terry Williams, a 38-year-old accountant, who was shopping for paint with his wife at B&Q in Kidderminster, said: ‘When I look at duck-whisper paint, all I see is white. It’s such a relief to know I have a serious brain disorder and it’s not my fault. So now, when my wife asks if I’d prefer a blizzard-white or an autumn spray, I can simply say ‘who gives a fuck?’ without being attacked with a bread knife.’
His wife Carole agreed, adding: ‘I’ve been divorced six times because of arguments about shades of paint and fabric. When I ask him to buy something in beige, he always comes back with something in hessian, which isn’t quite the same. I go ballistic and throw plates at him. Men just don’t understand how important it is. A mint cloud is totally, utterly, and absolutely different to a mint cream, as every woman knows.’
Scientists were first alerted to a possible link between testosterone and poor interior design skills by studying the prehistoric cave paintings of Lascaux. The paintings depict hunters chasing bison and woolly mammoths. The successful hunters are painted in beige with lemon-yellow arrows and puce spears, whereas unsuccessful hunters are depicted in warm terracotta, being clubbed to death and dismembered. It is now thought the paintings were done by cavewomen as a ritual warning to their menfolk to make sure that their hunts were properly colour-coordinated.
Myke
Categories: Fake News
Bin collections to switch to once a year
There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, after it was announced waste disposal contractors have been given the green light by local authorities to change household waste collections from a schedule of fortnightly to once a year.
CEO of French waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since you Brits sold off waste disposal to City spivs and wide-boys who zen sold it to us, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. Zerefore from January 1st, bins will be collected once a year.
‘So what, if ze householders suffer a much worse service? This is la privatisation, non? We make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’
A spokesman for one council wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads our carbon footprint and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.
‘And even if some squalor-related illness reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay when you consider the overall benefits to our environment. And anyway, we’ve got antibiotics these days so what’s the problem? Bubonic Plague, should it resurface, will not be an issue worth worrying about.
‘There will be no more petty squabbles between couples over whose turn it is to put out the rubbish. They will simply adopt a system of husbands one year and wives the next. All those tiffs of the past will be consigned to the dustbin.’
photo by bluebudgie @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
M&S to stop selling suits, almost 20 years after it sold its last one
The end of an era and the end a terrible business model, has come to an end. Marks & Spencer has finally conceded that selling one suit every twenty years is unsustainable, even if you get the customer to buy a matching tie.
The suits are now consigned to the bargain bin of high street folklore; along with buying Betamax tapes from Blockbuster and lead-coated toys from Woolworths. In a recent poll, customers cited the top three reasons for why they might wear a M&S suit were – a funeral, a court appearance and a dare
Their last customer was a Mr. Malcolm Durrant (57), who had purchased a particularly fetching three-piece beige suit, back in 2001. The Head of Sales explained: ‘We’d been holding out for a follow up sale. Therefore, when Mr. Durrant walked back in, twenty years later, we thought we’re back in business. All the staff were whooping and doing high fives. We thought we might even shift a pair of socks. So, imagine our disappointment when he tried to return said suit, ridiculously claiming it had never been worn’,
Commented Mr. Durrant: ‘It hadn’t’.
photo: fudowakira @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Ant and Dec added to list of proscribed organisations
In a surprise move, it was announced today cheeky Geordie duo, Ant & Dec, have been added to the list of proscribed organisations from September.
A spokesman for the Department of Digital Culture, Media and Sport said: ‘Something has to be done. Their brand of yeasty banter and faux blokiness has been allowed to fester and must be stopped. They have long outstayed their welcome and are becoming irritating beyond all belief.
‘I’m amazed that Noel Edmonds has not brought a legal action against them for blatantly ripping off his “House Party” and rebranding it as risible drivel, “Saturday Night Takeaway.
‘Their hopeless antics ought to have been curtailed years ago, but still, better late than never. If they appear on our TV screens again they will be arrested.’
It’s understood Phillip Schofield, Holly Willoughby and Keith Lemon (Leigh Francis) have consulted lawyers to ensure they don’t suffer a similar fate.’
However, one showbiz legal expert commented: ‘I think these three are swimming against the tide, as it looks as if this utterly incompetent government is going to finally do something that can be applauded by all sections of the public.’
Categories: Fake News
Sturgeon self-isolating, or as she prefers to call it “ultimate independence”.
Categories: Fake News
City resigned as United re-sign Ronaldo
Categories: Fake News
Men welcome morning-after pill for things you wish you hadn’t said
There was a cautious welcome yesterday for news that over-the-counter sales of a new morning-after pill will go ahead. The pill, which reverses the effects of misconceived comments before they grow and eventually acquire a life of their own, is mainly aged at men aged 25 to 55 and is said to be almost completely effective.
The pill works by making the patient do whatever is necessary to counteract what he said the night before in a passionate moment of unprotected speech. It can even work before the first giveaway twinges of embarrassment are felt or reproachful texts start to come in.
Les Freitag, Sales Director at manufacturers Wizer, said, ‘Take Steve from Marketing, who after a few drinks on Friday night declares his undying love to Wendy from Compliance. When he gets home to face his angry wife, he insults her looks and breeding before saying he is leaving her for Wendy. When he eventually wakes up on the sofa and also recalls abusing his boss, he realises it’s too late for precautions, the seeds have all been planted.’
Freitag explained how Steve would take one of the new pills before phoning a relieved Wendy to apologise for his appalling behaviour. Instead of ineffective tongue-tied regret he withdraws his lovelorn declarations but agrees to satisfy all her compliance demands in future, exchanging a doomed fling for a long-term, casual relationship of cold, mechanical and blissful sex. This pill would taste sweet, as would the one making him text his boss to say his remark had only been a clumsy opener to what he really wanted to say, which was that the new branding initiatives were terrific and how about a bonus.
The third pill would be very bitter and hard to swallow, even after Steve had removed his foot from his mouth, but would stop him making things even worse by joking he’d been so drunk he thought she was her mother, instead committing to a Champneys membership and a week in Dubai accompanied by said mother.
While the normally reactionary Mail welcomed the development, Cosmopolitan said it would discourage men from taking sensible precautions and they should learn to say ‘no’, a view supported by pro-wife campaigners who said that the ability to reverse misspeaking episodes deprived women of the satisfaction of revenge using conventional means such as scissors and an expensive divorce.
The pill is even thought to be effective for politicians, with Freitag saying a certain cyclist would still be in a job had he taken his pill instead of throwing it at a passing pleb in a fit of arrogance when he thought nobody was looking.
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay documentary shelved after background music segments hit 12 hour mark
A much anticipated fly on the wall TV programme about the life and works of Coldplay has had to be controversially shelved, after it became impossible to distinguish the short soundbites of music that fade in and out to provide gravitas and meaning to key moments in a documentary from the actual greatest hits of the band.
‘We had a nice 2 hour documentary, covering the early years, the big stadium tours, the move to ‘art rock” noted producer Phil Jones. ‘The problem was when we handed it over to the editing team. Layering any sad moment, tough decision or resolution of a problem with a 30 second piece of Coldplay music has become the default in documentary making over the last fifteen years.’
‘We had a segment with Chris Martin struggling to complete the complex lyrics and melody in ‘Clocks’ and the music the editors placed over the top was Clocks,’ sighed Jones. ‘Footage of Jonny Buckland being wearily optimistic with the other members of the band about needing to add an extra track to A Rush of Blood to the Head: they suggested 30 seconds of ‘In My Place’ in the background. The band’s drum kit falling over and needing to be Fixed Up…well you can guess the rest.’
‘Segment music self-circularity is sadly increasingly common in pop’, noted musicologist Peter McVeigh. ‘For example, it is a little known fact that Keane have tried to split up a number of times due to falling royalties, only to be propped back up by the increased royalties from the segments of their ‘Everybody’s Changing’ anthem that are inevitably played in montages where they announce they are splitting up.’
‘Producers need to find ways to reduce the opportunities for music editors to gratuitously insert segments of Coldplay music into their documentaries’, noted McVeigh. ‘To be honest though, that really is The Hardest Part. My advice is Don’t Panic. And if you aren’t happy with the results, you really need to go back to Square One.’
image: fradellafra @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Desperate journalists stampede Wapping to denounce Biden
There were scenes of chaos outside the headquarters of News International and other newspapers in London as thousands of columnists descended on their offices, desperate to get space on their pages to denounce US president Joe Biden.
“I’ve never liked the Democrat Party,” said one right-wing pundit who had joined the swarm outside the doors of the Daily Mail and was clutching a piece of copy entitled ‘This shambling old peacenik is a disgrace’.
“I absolutely must persuade them to put this out so I can cash in on this orgy of hatred and derision for Sleepy Joe.”
“It’s nearly as pitiful as the scenes at Kabul airport,” said an exhausted sub-editor for the Daily Telegraph. “They’re screaming and hollering to get their pieces in but we’ve been overwhelmed by all the paperwork, and there’s no way we’ll be able to find space for them all before we pull out of this story.
“Some of the most ardently conservative columnists in Britain – our staunch allies over the past few years – have clearly been driven to distraction and are now completely hysterical. Look at this piece from Charles Moore. ‘America has lost its power and we’re all going to die’.
“It will take weeks to process all their submissions and tragically, there are thousands that we will have to consign to oblivion.”
Image by Engin Akyurt from Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
