Feed aggregator
Convicted terrorist takes precaution of being white
A Nazi sympathiser who has been convicted of possessing bomb-making instructions and a wealth of racist literature has been sentenced to a severe tutting at Leicester Crown Court. In a savage gesture, the judge was seen to wag his finger at the defendant for several seconds, while sucking on his teeth before suggesting that the defendant engaged in some light reading to think about the naughty things he had done.
Among the suggested classics he may have to read are Dickens, Austen, Hardy and Trollope, who are are all known for including characters of colour and themes of racial reconciliation. One local student said: ‘I have to read Dickens and Austen for my English GCSE. Are you saying I could have got the same punishment for promoting racial hatred and building IEDs?’
Categories: Fake News
Chanel gives up Number 5 for Cristiano Ronaldo
Manchester United forward Edinson Cavani has relinquished the number 7 on the back of his football shirt so that people can recognise the otherwise unrecognisable Cristiano Ronaldo. Without the number 7 beneath the name Ronaldo on his back, many feared they might mistake the world famous Portuguese international footballer for someone else. Thanks to the selfless and heroic gesture by Cavani, any possibility of CR7 brand recognition failure is now limited to Thornton Heath near Croydon.
Inspired by Cavani’s generosity and Boots offering to give up number 7 as well, smelly women-maskers Chanel have now offered the prestigious number 5 to Ronaldo. This has led to a domino effect of numbers being given to the sporting superstar, who many assumed to be suffering from a dangerous digit deficiency. An unnamed mobile phone network has offered the number 3, and toddlers going potty have said that Cristiano can have as many number 2s as he likes. A bitter dispute has escalated between sudoku and the emergency services telephone number over who gets to gift the number 9. But the Redhill to Guildford bus route is certain that Ronaldo will be more impressed with the number 32 than any other digits being handed to him.
Categories: Fake News
Government to introduce new quarantine randomiser
In an attempt to simplify the current quarantine shambles, Westminster has taken the step of abandoning the national definitions, replacing it with an arbitrarily applied quarantine “sentence” at point of entry into the UK. Each individual arriving in the country will be required to spin the Wheel of Misfortune to determine what – if any – isolation action they should undertake, regardless of where their journey started, tell-tale symptoms or CV test results.
“It makes all the administration so much easier” said a government spokesman “We no longer have to track all those troublesome statistics or face the damaging effect on our approval rating of cancelling yet another air-bridge at ridiculously short notice”. When queried about the arbitrary nature of this new policy, he indicated that ‘extensive research’ from the PMs advisors showed that in the long term, the nett effect on the country would be ‘more or less’ minimal, probably.
Under the new scheme, there will be winners and losers : Ahmed, a 31 year old teenage refugee from Libya, freshly arrived at Wittering Sands, was ‘gutted’ to find that he would be facing two weeks isolation in a sea-front hotel in Rhyl : whereas Dave Oldham celebrated wife Karen’s ten-day quarantine in a migrant reception centre with a fist pump and cries of “back on the lash!”
Owners of the Wheel of Fortune game-show franchise are to sue HMG for breach of format and loss of earnings.
Categories: Fake News
Craft brewer comes full circle with beer-flavoured beer
Colin Anderson, craft brewer and head of product development at the ArtisanAle Brewery, has highlighted the constant pressure he and his team have been under to remain on the cutting edge of the ever-expanding craft beer boom. The veritable explosion of craft beers has meant that dark chocolate, coffee, jaffa cakes, oatmeal, peanut butter, creme eggs and flavoured crisps have all had their moments in the spotlight – and, with lagers masquerading as porters, porters pretending to to be dessert toppings and the Wonka-ish ‘roast dinner in a glass’, there is a constant search to provide the next ‘flavour bomb’.
‘When we first looked at the market, fruit decoctions, derivatives and infusions were pretty much played out,’ Anderson said. ‘The Belgians have ploughed through most of the common ones, and anything remotely citrus is a no-brainer. We then starting using herbs and vegetables, including our award-winning Cavolo Nero IPA ‘Kal-El’, but still the wheels keep turning.’
In a desperate bid to remain ahead of the game, he had started randomly grabbing items out of his kitchen cupboards in the hope of generate new flavour combinations – ArtisanAle’s new Marmite and Tamarind Cloudy Pale Ale and Granola Stout both arose from this approach – but this still did not seem to be enough. Unable to rest on his laurels (‘Bay IPA? Been there, got the tee-shirt’), he started to investigate various extreme botanicals, resulting in clashes with the Board over his proposed development of foxglove and hemlock infused sours.
‘This was when I was at my lowest ebb – my pursuit of cutting-edge flavour had overtaken me like a mania,’ Anderson said. ‘Everything I looked at I examined as a potential new taste sensation. Flowers, spices, fabric, furniture, all we’re fair game. It’s only when I found myself pitching a gingham and waxed pine stout to my horrified team that I realised I needed therapy.’
Ten months on and he back with a vengeance – and a new angle. ‘We’ve had citrussy beers, beers for people who don’t like beers, the growth in lambics, gueuze, Mars and faro appealing to a wider audience, but the the largely untouched market is the ‘traditional’ drinkers in this country: the Bass aficionado, the Timothy Taylor toper, the Harveys guzzler and so on. To this end we will be looking at creating a series of classic beer-flavoured beers to tempt this sector. Exciting times…’
Categories: Fake News
Quantum mechanics only for the small minded
Categories: Fake News
Entire UK placed on suicide watch after ABBA release new album
NHS chiefs have raised concerns as the health risk posed by the release of the Swedish pop legends new album reached unprecedented levels.
The government is now scrambling to issue key NHS workers with thousands of tight-fitting spandex face masks.
It’s been over 45 years since the Waterloo virus ran riot through Europe and the S number (Sequin) rose to a record 3.7. It was thought to have been entirely suppressed by 1982, although the Dancing Queen mutation is still occasionally active, with outbreaks mostly confined to wedding receptions.
Pant-suited Professor Hans Andersson, a member of the government’s SPI-M modelling group, said the outlook was terrifyingly bleak. ‘Many people still suffer from “Long Abba” years after being exposed to its many mutations. The particularly infectious Mama Mia musical strain of the virus, for example, hospitalised thousands. All our data suggests that the unfortunate release of this new virus could, I’m afraid, be an extinction-level event.’
Categories: Fake News
iPhone5s buyers directed straight to queue for iPhone6
Excited buyers of Apple’s flagship new iPhone5S in Oxford Street were delighted to be directed straight to an exclusive queue for the iPhone 6 immediately after their purchase.
‘The new iPhone 5S isn’t just the greatest smartphone of all time. It’s also your ticket to get first in line for the new iPhone 6,’ said store manager Damian Walsh, ushering new owners of the £549 gadget to the start of a five-mile obstacle course of tensile barriers on a circuitous route back to the front of the store, which will be their home for the next year. ‘Sure, the queue has no food, shelter, or toilet facilities. But did Steve Jobs stop to worry about those things when he was creating the legend that is Apple?’
Clutching his still-boxed iPhone5S, which cost him half of his month’s salary, Apple devotee Craig Flack commented: ‘Wow! I spent four days queuing in the pouring rain to get my hands on the iPhone5S, but I never dreamed that I’d get the added bonus of being one of the first to queue up to purchase the iPhone 6! Come to think of it, I’m a little embarrassed to be seen with this now outdated model.’ Flack was later seen holding his head in his hands and tossing an unopened white package into a nearby bin, before hurrying off to join the rapidly growing queue, which industry analysts believe will remain in situ for at least the next year while Apple design and manufacture the device.
Asked what he thought about customers who declined the offer to queue up immediately after their purchase for the sixth edition of the iPhone, Walsh commented: ‘Whatever. They’ll be sorry in two months’ time when the screen on their iPhone5S has cracked, their apps are no longer supported and the battery life has reduced to half an hour. Then we’ll see how cool they look with their so called ‘smartphones’. Dickheads.’
Categories: Fake News
ITV 2 in highbrow archaeology show shock
Media experts have been left reeling today after ITV 2 announced it is to commission and broadcast a new show that will examine famous archaeological sites and what we learnt from them.
A channel spokesman said: ‘We thought we’d try something a little different as an experiment. Some say it’s time to spread our wings and grow up as a broadcaster.’
But twenty something couple Jayden and Shaneece Reece from Tooting aren’t happy at the prospect of watching a programme that’s neither a docusoap nor “reality” show on their channel of choice.
‘We like fings like TOWIE and Made in Chelsea, yeah? We don’t know naffink about Egyptian mummies and old Romans ruins, and that,’ said Shaneece. ‘Although if the show’s makers could guarantee lots of tits and bums somehow and maybe introduce a phone-in voting system I’d be up for giving it a go,’ added Jayden.
However ITV 2 has been quick to reassure its core audience the normal torrent of tasteless and tawdry shite will still make up 99.99% of the channels output.
‘I can assure our viewers that we are not about to go all arty-farty and highbrow on them. This is something we are trying, just to ring the changes and maybe help keep Ofcom at bay,’ said the spokesman.
‘In addition to the new archaeology show we have commissioned a new 8-part series in the Autumn called, When Cock Enlargements and Arse Implants Go Wrong, scheduled to hit the screens in the run up to Christmas.’
Categories: Fake News
Now that’s what I call dancing… gov, vol 1.
Get Down ‘n’ Load the new app NOW THATS WHAT I CALL DANCING…GOV! Vol 1. From K-Tel, dedicated to the Grand Master Duchy of Dance..the Aberdeen Ace himself, Michael the Move Gove… featuring all the grooves to get you moving shapes like the maestro himself featuring.
Gove on a Mountain Top, Goving on Up Goving on Down, Hot Gove, A Whole Lotta of Gove, Crazy Little Thing Called Gove, Radar Gove and I Want to Know What Gove Is?
And featuring Michael’s very own personal favourite, the fabulous Chi Lites disco classic ‘Stoned out of My Mind’ and many more attributed to the suited and booted love god, soon to be new face of M&S Menswear.
Although it looks as if the album’s not going to be hit with everyone. A spokesman for No. 10 commented: ‘Well Michael’s attempts to get down with the kids are all very fine, but he looks rather sad. Some colleagues have suggested it’s a pity he didn’t choose to include the Robert Knight classic, Gove on a Mountain Top, as pretty much to a man, they regarded it might be the best place for him for the next few weeks.’
Categories: Fake News
Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’
Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.
The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: ‘We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen ‘The Bore from Saddlemore’ Dee and Stephen ‘Less exciting than Sidcup’ Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.
‘We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.’
A spokesman for the players, Stephen ‘The Doze from Montrose’ Tee, said: ‘Wake me up when it’s all over.’
Categories: Fake News
Split in fabric of time causes ABBA to reappear
Scientists have been left bewildered by the sudden cosmic reappearance of skinny scarves and IKEA themed platform shoes. Through a wormhole in the fabric of an all-in-one flamenco suit, Abba have returned – proving that the fabric of the Spacetime continuum is really made from sequinned double denim.
Explained a bemused physicist: ‘It’s tied up with chaos theory, if a butterfly flaps in Tokyo, then Paul McCartney & Wings will reform. This sort of thing is happening all the time. Who can forget the season finale of Quantum Leap, when Sam Beckett jumped into the body of Donna Summer? Which begs the question, can we send Ed Sheeran back the other way?
A similar anomaly occurred when a joke from 1956 found its way through a wormhole into all three seasons of Mrs Brown’s Boys. Who knows if Abba will be able to adjust to life in the 21st century, with all our exotic new music like the soundtrack to Mamma Mia or Mamma Mia 2?
Meanwhile a spokesman for the 70s supergroup commented: ‘This is certainly not a cynical cash grab. It’s real properly serious artistic project. The band is really excited and looking forward to the release of the first single from the album. Thank you for the money money money will be available to download from iTunes at midnight.’
Hat-tip stewartbarclay
Categories: Fake News
£2 billion drop in exports and other head scratchers – Daily Express
The UK has been struck by several completely inexplicable events in the last 8 months, the latest of which is a two billion pound drop in exports.
“This is a real mystery”, said foreign secretary Dominic Raab, “And it’s not the only really odd thing; did you know that my mobile phone bill shot up when I was on a lovely holiday in Crete recently? And when I got back, a lot of people were quite cross with me for no reason; perhaps it’s because of the unexplained empty shelves in the supermarkets.”
One former government minister claimed that he could explain everything, but as soon as he opened his mouth he turned into a pillar of salt.
photo:Â Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Joe Rogan to fight Covid MMA style
Mr. Rogan, has agreed to do battle with the coronavirus in a caged ICU, with nothing but bare knuckles and a fist full of paracetamol. Initially the podcaster was reluctant to fight, as he felt that MMA sounded a bit too much like the MMR jab.
The bout, of sickness, will be held over three rounds, with points for a KO or a DOA. Both fighters will be allowed to use any part of their bodies, although Covid is likely to focus on the lungs.
Explained a virologist: ‘Joe’s theory that fit and healthy people are statistically less likely to die from Covid is technically true but by the same measure, so is jumping out of a plane without a parachute’.
Rogan is said to be confident of beating the virus, although he had lost his previous 10 fights to baldness.
photo: Claudio_Scott @ Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United
In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.
Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’
Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.
A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister – deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.
Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.
However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’
Categories: Fake News
