Feed aggregator
Courtroom artist’s rendition of defendant stunningly accurate
Readers of the Daily Express and the Daily Mail were able to recognise the picture of Danny “Fingers” O’Toole drawn by Sarah Robinson during cross-examination at the Old Bailey.
“Blimey, it’s the dead spit of him,” claimed Nosher Curtains of Bexley Heath.
Asked how she achieved such a fine likeness Sarah replied, “Well, I did study life drawing at the Slade. At first I thought that the sketches were meant to be unintelligible to protect the identity of those in the courtroom. But the Usher told me that was not the case. So I let my natural abilities have free rein.”
Why, therefore are most sketches so bad? “Dunno, really. Maybe other artists want to get the reputation as the Francis Bacon of the court scene”.
Categories: Fake News
‘Moths are idiots’ scientists confirm
David Rogers, professor of futile entomology at Anthea Turner College Cambridge today published the results of his exhaustive seventeen year study into the uselessness of the common moth.
‘This is my life’s work. Over 2000 pages of analysis and statistics, comprehensively peer reviewed and submitted to the Royal Society which we believe proves, without doubt, that moths are a right bunch of dicks.
I mean, they fly into my bathroom at night because they think the light is somehow the moon. What’s that all about?, It’s nothing like the moon. It’s much smaller for a start.
And why are they so obsessed with the moon anyway? They’re never going to make it. And even if they did, there’s fuck all for a moth to do up there anyway. Honestly, set of furry faced wankers the lot of them.’
Asked about his next research project, Rogers explained, ‘We think we’re either going to look at whether wasps are a bit tetchy or if Boris Johnson is a clueless oaf. That one probably won’t take seventeen years though.’
Categories: Fake News
Imports of red tape cut by increased border bureaucracy
Finally fulfilling a promise made during Brexit and subsequent election campaigns, the amount of red tape in the UK has fallen by over 90% following delays to red tape imports caused by increased bureaucracy at the border. Stationery and art stores around the country have warned that a winter shortage in supplies will have a catastrophic affect on the number of bows around Christmas presents this year.
Although the fishing industry is on its knees, the promised £350 million a week cheque for the NHS is still in the post and the oven-ready deal is no more than an empty pack of unpicked frozen peas, the government have been celebrating the cut in red tape as “promises made, promises kept despite our best efforts to screw it all up”.
Nadine Dorries – newly appointed Minster for Flags, Farage and Gareth Southgate – indicated that the massive increase in paperwork, time and checks at the border were a small price to pay for the promised cut in red tape.
“We said from the very beginning that we got all of our red tape from the EU, and surprisingly we weren’t lying” a spokesperson for Dorries added. “Apparently 200 tonnes a year. Now we have more forms to fill in than the PM’s annual child maintenance assessment, most of it is stuck in Calais along with other unimportant things like food, medicine and a family of four who have been waiting in an immigration queue since February”.
Categories: Fake News
Elmo appointed new Secretary of State for Education
Cute furry faced friend of everybody and MP for the Sesame Street constituency. Elmo Monster, has told the press he is “very happy to be appointed Secretary of State For Education” in the latest government reshuffle.
His background in education makes him more suitable for the role than any of his predecessors, especially with his knowledge of most of the alphabet, in order, and all the numbers up to 12.
Elmo will take up the post with immediate effect and has already started to move his toys, crayons and colouring books into his office in Whitehall. Previous incumbent, Gavin Williamson, had left some of his own colouring books behind but Elmo was disappointed to see that he had often gone over the lines or used completely the wrong colours.
Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, says he is pleased with his new Cabinet choices, which include Count von Count as Chancellor of the Exchequer, Cookie Monster in charge of Food and Oscar the Grouch as Minister for Housing.
Categories: Fake News
Surgical appliance replaces Foreign Secretary
The replacement of Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab by a truss has been widely welcomed at Westminster. It’s the first time a senior member of any British cabinet has been replaced by a device designed to counter the effects of a hernia.
‘This is a brilliant appointment’, one Tory grandee said. At last we have a Foreign Secretary who will take a firm grip of a difficult situation. It shows Boris’s creativity in making an appointment with which everyone will be comfortable, especially when they stand up suddenly. Conservative MP and doctor Mike Smythe explained ‘Very often the symptom a truss can effectively deal with is an enlarged scrotum, and I can think of no better description of Mr Raab.’
Categories: Fake News
Plastic bag trees now endangered
Plastic bags fluttering in trees used to be a common sight throughout the urban avenues and rural hedgerows of Britain, but now the plastic bag tree is dying out. Even in Liverpool, where it once thrived amongst the indigenous litter lawns and polystyrene take-away container bushes, the future of the plastic bag tree is in doubt.
Critics claim that the primary reason for the decline is the 5p charge for plastic shopping bags introduced by the Government last year. It is claimed that this, in conjunction with the ‘reduce, re-use, recycle’ initiative, has the potential to destroy the environment and eco-system in which the plastic bag tree formerly flourished.
But now a new organisation, Life For Bags, is attempting to save the species, as spokesman Leonard Mitchell, a Government lobbyist and carrier politician, explained. ‘We must not allow the great British institution that is the plastic bag tree to die out and be replaced with foreign imports,’ he said. ‘This is nothing but attempted murder and we are campaigning to reverse this Government’s brutal ‘Jute to Kill’ policy.’
Categories: Fake News
Magic 8 ball determines cabinet reshuffle
A flunky at 10 Downing Street was observed taking delivery of a Magic 8 ball yesterday, in advance of the cabinet reshuffle.
A source said: ‘Boris believes very strongly in letting fate and/or other cabinet ministers take the blame for whatever has been grossly mismanaged this time. There’s no point in getting all scientific about it, we just let the magic 8 ball decide.’
‘For example, should Gavin Williamson have kept his job as Education secretary, despite being Gavin Williamson. Magic 8 ball said “Definitely not, he’s Gavin Willliamson”. Could Bob “The Builder” Jenrick fix it as Housing Minister? Magic 8 ball said “Er…No”. Would it be fun to lock Dominic Raab in a room with an angry bear and let nature take its course. Magic 8 ball said “Dream big”.’
Johnson was also spotted in the garden of 10 Downing Street late yesterday, picking the petals from a daisy to determine if Laura Kuenssberg really loves him.
Categories: Fake News
Jab for 12-15’s will protect against pinch punch first of the month
The Government have tried to reassure parents that the Covid jab is safe for teenagers, by suggesting that it provides protection against wedgies, noogies and the inevitable ‘wet willy’. They also claim that the jab will guard against acne – but only in the arm that has the injection.
One doctor explained: ‘There is a very real risk to teenagers receiving a pinch and a punch, if they have not been vaccinated. The Covid jab is 74% effective against all forms of tomfoolery and gives 99% protection against larks’.
Meanwhile anti-vaxxers have declared: ‘White rabbits. No returns!’
Categories: Fake News
Ron Jenkins resigns as viewer of GB News
GB News official viewer, Ron Jenkins of Clacton, has announced his resignation citing repeated targeting adverts.
“It became very difficult”, explained Mr Jenkins, “Obviously, I enjoy the veiled racism, and the reassurance that Brexit is a great idea – I’d drink a toast to that, if the shops hadn’t run out of beer for some reason. But the targeted adverts became overwhelming – when an advert came up saying ‘Ron, it’s your turn to take the bins out’, I realised that being the only viewer for a TV channel has it’s drawbacks.”
Categories: Fake News
‘Real people answering phones is the future’ claims communications company
It’s being claimed that some time in the not too distant future whenever we telephone a major corporation, the phone will not be answered by an automated robot, but in fact the voice we hear on the other end of the line will be a real human being!
This may sound like something straight out of some crazy sci-fi film and yet one Winchester communications company insists that it may be coming sooner than we think.
Phone Sensical’s Barney Lingholm says: ‘Just imagine a scenario if you will. Your gas bill says that you have used £3,400,000 in one quarter, nearly double what you might expect, so you call up and a robot answers: ‘For billing queries press-1, for… yaddada-yaddada… and so on. You press the relevant number, the robot puts you on hold and you listen to a tone-deaf Stylophone player murdering Vivaldi’s Four Seasons for the next thirty minutes, before being inexplicably cut-off just as you get connected to a real person at the call centre in Mumbai.’
‘However, once a company installs our new technology’, enthuses Lingholm, ‘The number will either ring out briefly then be answered by a real person, or else you’ll get an engaged tone in which case you can go and make a cup of tea and try again later. When you do get through the person answering will ask which department you require and then transfer you to another human being who will deal promptly with your query.’
However big-business has been quick to pour cold water on the idea. A spokesperson for the gas sector commented: ‘That has to be the craziest idea I’ve ever heard in my life and it would never work in a million years. For decades customers have called premium-rate numbers and been put on hold for interminably long periods of time before being thwarted in their purpose at every turn. And anyway, we’d have to pay real people. Robots cost nothing.’
An undaunted Lingholm remains adamant that the days of the phone robot are numbered, but concedes there will have to be one notable exception. ‘Jobcentre Plus is protected by a charter stating that at all times it must provide its callers with the most soul-destroying, unhelpful and life-sapping experience imaginable, so obviously it will not be employing real people in its call centre… ever.’
Categories: Fake News
HGV test will scrap reversing, braking and steering
To artificially boost the number of learner drivers passing, the government has made a series of sweeping changes to Heavy Goods Vehicle driving examinations. A government spokesmoog blithered on at a press conference purely for the benefit of the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail:
‘The critical shortage of lorry drivers, which has nothing to do with Brexit or the billions of pounds we squandered on creating hostile environments for those operating in the haulage sector, means we now have to panic and do silly things which make no sense, but which play well to the fluffbrains somehow still backing the Conservative Party despite our best lack of efforts.
‘We learned a lot from a focus group of Boris-positive hairy gibbons we rounded up in the Whipsnade area. So, going forwards, HGV learner drivers will not be required to reverse their rigs. Instead, loading docks will be replaced with gangs of highway pirates who can strip the cargo out of an 18-wheeler in under two minutes.
‘Drivers will not be required to brake for roundabouts, zebra crossings, school zones, or red lights. Unless those red lights are in the windows of brothels on the really dodgy side of Luton.
‘Of course, accurately urinating into empty bottles of Jack Daniels is a critical skill, and that will remain on the HGV test. Along with cooly oozing words into a CB radio like: Breaker, breaker, this is Bigrig calling Bandit – Cowgirl in denim hotpants stranded on the A2 just outside Gillingham.
‘And the public can rest assured that the construction of pornography collages for their cabs and the double-flashing of hotties with massive norks will still be compulsory.’
Categories: Fake News
All work and no pension makes Therese a dull girl
Work and Pensions Secretary Therese Coffey has unwittingly revealed a strikingly socialist agenda, following her intentionally bungled comment that 2 hours extra work cancels out the impending £20-a-week Universal Credit cut.
With just a nod, Coffey implicitly confirmed that the minimum wage will increase from £8.91/hour to £10/hour. Additionally those on minimum wage will pay zero tax (intriguing Jeff Bezos), pay zero National Insurance (intriguing Rishi Sunak), make zero pension contributions (intriguing herself) and pay zero childcare costs (intriguing Boris Johnson many times over).
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said: ‘Why don’t people on Universal Credit just get a second job on the board of a FTSE-100 company? My uncle says they usually pay hundreds of thousands a year for a few hours work. It’s all done via the Caymans, so tax is at Amazonian levels. I blame the lazy working poor, or maybe the EU somehow?’
Categories: Fake News
Man downs three-course lunch by 10:30am
A Norfolk man had face-binned his breakfast, brunch and a three-course luncheon at his desk by 10:27am it has been confirmed.
Spreadsheet-shuffler Rod Flannigan foolishly placed his transparent lunch box within the viewing angle of his laptop screen when starting work and was subsequently seen chowing down in anger before anyone had even made tea, according to witnesses.
‘I made the classic mistake of thinking I’d just have a bite of flapjack whilst firing up Outlook, which of course was bound to escalate! Before I knew what was happening I had grapes and Dairylea in my gob at the same time and my own hands force-fed me peanuts relentlessly like some Hadean punishment for gluttony’ Rod admitted of the feeding frenzy that would have made a Great White Shark look like a fussy eater.
‘It was like a starving lion neck deep in a zebra’s ribcage’ recounted a shaken colleague. ‘When I looked up there were crumbs and organic debris flying across the table as his substantial rations disintegrated into that howling maw in a matter of seconds. I got a crisp shard in my eye, McCoy’s Beef Flavour I think’.
Flannigan was later hosed down and put back to work in a dazed state before being spotted queuing at the chip van at 11:45, eating a sausage roll.
‘It’s something about work, I don’t eat like this at home’ he added. ‘We don’t have a chip van’.
Categories: Fake News
Parents threaten to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised
Just a week into the new term, parents are threatening to go on strike unless school uniforms are nationalised.
The ultimatum follows the leak of a report that showed the amount spent on uniforms this year exceeded NASA’s annual budget.
The proposed strike would affect essential services provided by mums and dads such as creating a World Book Day costume with 30 minutes notice, explaining why algebra will be useful in later life and liaising with the Tooth Fairy.
“If we don’t put school uniforms into public ownership, they’ll soon cost more than replica football kits. And I don’t mean Arsenal or Newcastle kits; I’m talking about kits for big teams” explained Bob Vine, a spokesman for the Coalition of Really Annoyed Parents (CRAP).
“It’s not just the cost, it’s the quality too. My son’s jumper already looks like a string-vest and his jacket is apparently water soluble.”
Parents are also demanding a public inquiry into allegations that school dinners are being seasoned with growth hormones after it emerged that thousands of children have already outgrown their new blazers, trousers and shoes.
Mr Vine is sceptical about the government’s plan to mitigate the effects of any strike by using army personnel.
“Just because you can diffuse a bomb in Iraq while under enemy fire doesn’t mean you’ve got the nerves of steel required to take a hyperactive five year-old to a birthday party at a soft-play.”
Categories: Fake News
