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Estimate concludes that Wembley Stadium “about the size of a football pitch”
Following a £37 billion project commissioned by Downing Street, it has been discovered that Wembley Stadium is about the size of a football pitch.
Number 10 were uncertain about what football is or how big it might be, so commissioned Deloitte, the nation’s leading experts in spaffification to look closely into the issue. Following 16 months of intense investigation, newly appointed Wembley Stadium Size Tsar Dido Harding concluded, “We have provided a definitive answer which the whole country can get behind.”
Questions have been raised about whether Harding was the right person for the job given that the subject area was not her field of expertise. Spokesman for pun-based sense, Gary Lineker pointed out, “It’s not a field of expertise, it’s a pitch of expertise.”
It is believed that those who built Wembley Stadium had offered their services for free, but were overlooked for the private contract. “We contacted the government immediately, and indicated that we could provide the precise dimensions, capacity and average queue times for the women’s toilets. But the government repeatedly ignored us and never responded to our offers.”
It is understood that the Football Association, a group who are vaguely aware of the beautiful game, but who choose to batter it with the ugly stick of gross monetisation, have suggested that Wembley Stadium might actually be a bit bigger than the size of a football pitch. But they won’t comment officially until the government provides adequate documentation in the form of multiple request forms bearing the Queen’s head, stuffed inside fat brown envelopes.
Questions have also arisen from people who know what football is, many of them including, “Seriously? Even my six-year-old daughter could have told you that.” But Prime Minister Boris Johnson has insisted that this was the correct and only course of action, adding, “Can someone tell me how big that is in cricket pitches?”
Categories: Fake News
‘There’s no room for football in racism’, bigots confirm
Following widespread condemnation of the online abuse hurled at three England players after their Euro 2020 final defeat, the nation’s bigots have hit back by renouncing football as the primary platform for their racist rhetoric.
In response to scathing criticism from the FA and England Manager Gareth Southgate, and a slightly vague, non-committal ticking off from the Prime Minister, racists across the country have now united against football. A statement issued by the newly formed group, Racism Against Football, asserted that, “football will no longer be tolerated in any form” as an outlet for attacking people “who don’t look like they’re from round here”.
The group were unable to issue any further updates on their plans, however, as their Facebook and Twitter accounts were permanently blocked two minutes after their initial statement was published.
Categories: Fake News
Children as young as four using adverbs, report warns
Local councils are being asked to do more following a damning new survey that claims children as young as four are regularly using adverbs in general conversation.
And far from having no understanding of their meaning or grammatical usage, experts now fear that children have a pretty good understanding of when to use them.
“It’s shocking really,” one parent, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “You talk to them like a child for years, and then – bang – they’re using words even you can’t understand.”
Some claim they are picking up this language from older siblings, or from playground chatter, others fear that the internet is responsible for this rapid growth in descriptive vocabulary. Concerned parents are advised to install an adverb-blocker in their web browser.
Sally, 28, with her five year old daughter Emily, repeated the frustrations of many. “My Emily is an Angel, but I really get upset when she starts using words that are really beyond her years. For example, the other day she started asking about what would happen to her pet rabbit Fluffy since the whole universe was decaying into an orderless state due to entropy.”
“Mummy, don’t be upset.”, Emily chimes in, ” – and it’s ‘disordered state’, not orderless,”
“Fortunately, I have still not caught her using adverbs. “, Sally continues, ” I’m very careful to make sure she doesn’t pick up anything from me – I’d never knowingly use one in front of her.”
Categories: Fake News
Woman Successfully Buys Bra Online
Experienced bosom owner Sally Jones achieved the once in a lifetime triumph this week of buying a bra online which fitted her actual form, the actual shape she is now, rather than a shape she has been in the past, or may be in future, or might belong to a hypothetical woman that is not her.
Her day began as usual, with her putting on her old faithful pink T-shirt bra which has gone a bit tatty and which she finds the straps slip down on a bit more often than they used to. In the back of her mind she was aware she’d ordered some up top smalls from M&S but she never hoped for one moment that this would be a successful transaction. She was fully expecting to be in the Post Office queue returning the tit pants on Saturday morning.
When the package arrived she ignored it for an hour, knowing that never in all her years of having lady bumps to dress and a computer have the two aligned usefully. Bras bought online are always too tight, too loose or too lumpy, leading to a sort of slightly rude Goldilocks type scenario but without disgruntled bears.
Eventually Sally Jones thought she may as well either cram her coconuts into something too small or let her sin cushions dangle as unsupported as a female MP who wants decent maternity leave. Sally carefully opened the package, ready for re-sealing it when her new bra had failed her, and was pleased by the lovely pistachio colour which had looked a bit different on the internet because they do, don’t they?
She took off old faithful and noticed that the old guard and the new recruit seemed on the face of it to be of similar dimensions. She could still breathe after doing up new bra and when she looked in the mirror was astounded to see that her jubblies were well contained, with no pinching, overhang or spare space. “It’s a titty bonanza!” exclaimed Sally.
Categories: Fake News
“Ideal moment to end measures is when transmission rate is highest” confirms PM
Categories: Fake News
‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories
Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.
A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can’t just say you don’t like black people. That’s racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That’s populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’
‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.
‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’
Categories: Fake News
‘Who could have predicted trouble from this drunken, angry mob?’ says Met Police
“We were shocked by the scenes of mayhem in central London and outside Wembley on Sunday evening,” a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police told reporters.
“How were we to know that large groups of football fans, who had been drinking solidly since early morning, might turn rowdy after England lost and take out their rage on opposition supporters? We are not clairvoyants.
“And how were we to know that mobs of chavs without match tickets might decide to swarm past security into Wembley stadium?
“I stress that the Met’s policy is to send large numbers of officers only to locations where we predict there will be disorder. And our officers told us that they didn’t expect any disorder in London on match day – on the grounds that they all wanted to sit and watch the game at home rather than to battle hundreds of drunken, angry thugs on a rainy Sunday evening.
“The Met finds it far easier in these dreadful cases to wait until all the trouble has died down and afterwards to issue pious lectures to the general public.
“However, all of us in the police have to accept that we, like Mr Southgate and his squad, have found our limits. From now on, we will give up any attempt to keep order at mass events or to stop central London from descending into anarchy. Instead, we will concentrate on the kind of thing we did so well during the lockdowns, such as arresting grieving women attending a vigil on Clapham Common.”
Categories: Fake News
Virgin Galactic Flight Delay Leads To Expensive KitKat Purchase
Viewing the departure board at his space rocket station Richard Branson’s heart sank as he saw it was delayed. A man stood next to him, said: ‘This is typical mate, better make yourself comfortable, and even when it does turn up don’t expect to get a seat, and the buffet will probably be shut for your leg of the journey too’.
Branson sat on the cold metal bench and stared listlessly at the board. He looked around for a reliable source of information about the cause of the delay but there were just some pigeons. His stomach rumbled. He overheard a man on the next bench phoning a friend to say he’d be late because Virgin can’t get from Reading to Coventry on time.
The friend replied that Virgin Trains stopped operating in 2019, but there were lots of passengers still standing at stations who hadn’t realised yet and thought it was just the standard delays.
Branson went to the vending machine and spent £1 on a chunky KitKat, leading him to reflect he could have had a pack of four from B&M for that price but since he made £306 million from his trains he wasn’t bothered by his costly chocolate purchase.
Photo: hpgruesen/Pixabay
Categories: Fake News
Worst performing motorway services to trial prostitution
In a bid to improve customer satisfaction ratings the lowest performing motorway services have been given the green light to turn on the red light.
A minister in the Department for Transport’s back office explained: ‘A recent survey highlighted disparities in the level of service provided by motorway services. We’ve created special ‘comfort’ zones at services that aren’t subject to regular trading laws. It’s similar to being served alcohol at 6am at the airport, only instead of a Harvey, it’ll be a Heston Wallbanger.’
It’s hoped that by providing executive relief to drivers, the knock-on effect of a relaxed state of mind will reduce instances of aggressive driving behaviour and provide a safer and more courteous motorway experience. Services have also been given permission to utilise matrix signs to entice customers, with these messages due to be displayed: ‘Fantasising whilst driving puts imaginary lives in danger. Pull in after next junction’, ‘Long journey and partner asleep? Keep your motor running until next exit’ and ‘Clockweights like cantaloupes? Servicing in 4 miles’.
Categories: Fake News
Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes
Even as a nation’s tears flowed, following England’s defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it’s not all bad news.
Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.
A spokesman for the company said: ‘Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.’
It’s understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.
‘This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,’ said the boss. ‘There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn’t modern sport truly wonderful?’
In related news, it’s been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.
Categories: Fake News
Dinosaurs to make comeback tour
After an absence from public life of over 60 million years, Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus could be roaming the country again soon for a limited period. Celebrity publicist Ed Masp, who claims he has represented many extinct species in the past, promises the comeback will be spectacular, including such acts as ripping trees up by the roots and squashing a Ford Mondeo with a tap of the foot.
However, there are already serious health and safety concerns about letting gigantic reptiles run amok for entertainment purposes. Jeremy Pardloe of the Dinosaur Vigilance Society explains: “We are strongly urging insurance companies to refuse to cover this extravaganza. These are five-ton reptiles with brains weighing only three ounces, a brain to body mass ratio matched only by reality TV stars”.
“In fact”, adds Mr Pardloe, “the Mesozoic Era had an appalling record for health and safety, and dinosaurs must shoulder some of the blame. How do you think all the continents got ripped apart from each other?”
Categories: Fake News
COVID beaten, PM confirms
Thanks to Britain’s world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.
Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.
‘We’ve seen it off and that’s an end to it once and for all. We’ve tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.’, the PM is thought to have said.
‘It certainly won’t be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre’, he continued. ‘But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that’s highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won’t have been following our latest and most excellent advice.’
Categories: Fake News
Met Police launches new recruitment drive aimed at divorced alcoholic mavericks
The Met Police has defended a new recruitment advertising campaign which targets alcoholics, divorcees, misfits, mavericks and veterans of unpopular military campaigns that the public didn’t really understand.
In an unprecedented campaign, adverts have appeared on the side of can of Tennents Extra, on notice boards in reception at firms of family lawyers and divorce courts and psychiatrists have been recruited to recommend any patients displaying signs of autism, obsession or post traumatic stress disorder.
‘We particularly welcome applications from the maverick community, who are underrepresented in the Metropolitan Police,’ said chief commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, ‘If your marriage is on the rocks, if you have a drink problem and if you have got a hunch, my message to you is this. We will find you and we will hire you.’
Each maverick may be given a side-kick who will be able to cover the maverick’s arse in a variety of ways. The side-kicks have been trained to make up alibis, do the paperwork, accompany the maverick to the pub and assist in interrogations.
Home Office efficiency targets have meant that by the book policemen who come from stable homes with a life-partner and children are becoming seen as more and more of an expensive luxury. ‘In the past the safe copper who filled in paper work, turned up to do a 9 to 5, and didn’t sleep in his car in a puddle of vomit whilst starring at pictures of old loved ones, where exactly what the MET were looking for’ explained head of HR Lucy Thorton, ‘But we all know such pen pushers are there to make us look good, the acceptable face of modern policing, but goddammit we need results.’
Thumping the table to emphasise the point Thorton reasoned that ‘if it means that we have to turn to socially unstable winos who can stitch up a few weak member of society as some sort of redemption for their own relationship failings then by God I’m prepared to take that risk. Maybe that makes me a bad head of HR. Maybe it just means I hate crime that little bit more than others.’
The MET have also toyed with the idea of pairing wild maverick cops with other wild maverick cops instead of the traditional maverick-straight laced cop combination favoured since the times of Robert Peel. ‘Just think how much more fun it’ll be watching Police Camera Action with 2 out of control men going through a mid life breakdown before your eyes, firing wildly into the night sky and shouting the names of their ex-wives between uncontrollable sobs’ figured hapless Mayor of London Boris Johnson. ‘It’s a win-win’.
ronseal & thisisall1word
Categories: Fake News
