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The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street
Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.
With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan ‘Slow Hand’ Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie ‘The Lips’ Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:
Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa)
Hey Jew (Don’t be Afraid of Being Deselected)
Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry
While my Civil Service Gently Weeps
Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent
Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date
Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in)
Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out
When I’m Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract
You’ve Got to Hide Your Husband’s Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away
All You Need is Strong and Stable
Not a Third Time
We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG)
Can’t Buy Me a Majority
The Wrong and Whining Toad
With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party
Baby You’re a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was)
The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash
You Always Give Me Your Money
Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown)
I Want to Hold Your Assets
Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite
Dear Fiscal Prudence
Draft Agreement Writer
She’s Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)
The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson’s ego when he enters Downing Street the day after.
Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase
Categories: Fake News
Highway Code updated for cyclists
Following many years of debate about how cyclists should behave, and how other road users should respond, the Department of Transport has decided to revise the nation’s best read guidance on road use
The new rule changes include the following:
- To avoid confusion about whether cyclists should ride on the road or pavement, they are now allowed to cycle on both. Additionally, they can also ride on bridleways, and through shopping malls, shops, car homes and schools. So, no more confusion
- The traffic light system has also been updated. A red light for traffic now officially means cyclists can travel through without looking. Similarly, a red traffic light for pedestrians also means cyclists can cross the road without looking. This has symmetrical elegance in law, but in practice changes nothing
- A new range of hand signals is to be made official too. If a single finger is displayed by a cyclist, this means “fuck off it’s my road”. If the same signal is shown by a motorist to a cyclist, it means “please drive in front of me like a twat”. If a motorist holds his first finger to his thumb while waving, this indicates that the cyclists tyre pressure needs adjusting
- Priority at roundabouts is also to change. Basically, cyclists have priority, and fuck everyone else. This is current Government policy anyway
The latest Highway Code revision was signed off by the PM Boris Johnson, a cyclist
Hat tip nickb
Categories: Fake News
Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad
A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.
Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event (‘he pulled out of that planche to handstand there’) to tae-kwon do (‘that’s surely got to be a gam-jeon’?.’
‘I think the family likes to know what’s going on – the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight’, said McBride, with one eye on the Men’s triathlon. ‘I see my role as a kind of public information service….oh, that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there – that’s going to cost him’.
‘Lots of splash on entry there’, continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. ‘The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds’.
‘By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is ‘definitely top drawer’, said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete’s wife. ‘I don’t think we can take any more’.
‘The family look to be ‘in the red’ already in terms of stamina’, summarised McBride excitedly. ‘They’ll need to dig deep if they’ve any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they’ll unfortunately go into the repecharge’
Categories: Fake News
RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage
The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’
The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.
Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.
The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.
Categories: Fake News
Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter
Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our ‘big fat, sausage fingers’. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply ‘further away’ than first thought.
Said one food scientist: ‘It’s all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK’s diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown’s pocket that is Boris Johnson’s mouth – see, it now looks as teensy as the UK’s economic growth.’
Some insist that Toblerone’s mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury
True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: ‘If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.’
Categories: Fake News
Coldplay acquisition of Mr. Whippy in meltdown
Sources in the City of London have indicated the multi-million pound takeover of ice-cream purveyors Mr. Whippy by dinner-party pop princes Coldplay, is in full meltdown.
After responsibly ending touring to reduce their impact on the planet’s mental health, the band, well singer/songwriter Chris Martin, is now witnessing society open-up to allow live performances in front of large crowds and is feeling a bit left out. It is believed this yearning for a return to mass exposure was the catalyst for the band, well Chris, to launch a ferocious buyout bid to secure Whippy and its extensive fleet of ice-cream vans.
Spokesperson for the band, Tom Goldsmith, explained: ‘Ice cream sellers have traditionally attracted customers to their vans with catchy tunes, like: Colonel Bogey, Greensleeves, and the Captain Pugwash sea shanty everyone tries to jig to when pissed. The band, well Chris, thought they could broadcast their music from Whippy’s vans, albeit in a non-lyrical jingle form, to hundreds of thousands of people who would otherwise choose not to listen, but are forced to because they want an ice-cream.”
Music wasn’t the only thing Coldplay wanted to give the public a taste of; Maurice Barr, publicist for Mr. Whippy, added: “It further transpired, the band, well Chris; being in competition with ex-wife, Gwyneth, wanted to sell his own brand of vegan ice cream, with flavours like: ‘This Tastes Like My Vagina But With A Flake In It’ and ‘This Ice-Cream Is Organic And Green, But Not As Green As My All-Consuming Envy’. The board at Whippy were none too pleased, the takeover was off.
According to sources in the City: the band, well Chris: despite biting-off more Whippy than he can chew, suffering financial brain-freeze, and having rejection sauce dripping off his chin, is next planning a buyout of Royal Mail. Subject to the ability of posties to whistle a dreary tune, of course.
Categories: Fake News
British public completely baffled over what exactly JPN stands for
‘We haven’t a clue’, said Pauline Tennant, a 43-year-old grandmother from Romford. ‘We were up all night but couldn’t work it out. The nearest we could get was Jalapeno pepper, although Kylie, my eldest, thought it might be Japonica’.
The BBC switchboard has been inundated with calls from viewers demanding to know what exactly JPN stands for. Deputy Diversity Switchboard Chief, Nigel Mugford, admitted they’d been caught out.
‘Our £3.6bn viewer modelling contraption predicted a small surge in calls during a large pointless sporting event, but nothing on this scale. We’ve had to recruit hundreds more switchboard operators to cope with the demand. I can only apologise to all our viewers, and I’ve promised our new Director General that there will be a full internal investigation’.
‘JPN is certainly something of a mystery and has caught people’s imagination. Interestingly we’ve had no problems with people working out what BRA stands for.’
Categories: Fake News
Parents remortgage house to pay for child’s Sylvanian Families habit
Sara and Tom are parents to seven year old Ava and in May this year were forced to remortgage their house in order to fund Ava’s new-found hobby of collecting Sylvanian Families.
‘The problems started around her birthday’ explains Sara between sobs ‘she wanted the Adventure Treehouse and Walnut Squirrel Family…we agreed before we even checked the price – what idiots we were – but there was no going back, we couldn’t disappoint her on her birthday. So we ordered them from the Argos catalogue after securing a small bank loan. It all just escalated from there…before we knew it, she wanted the Log Cabin, the Caravan Playset with working oven and air con – then the Red Roof Country House with it’s its own lighting, plumbing and central heating system. By this point, we had maxed-out on all the payday loans we could get our hands on and fell into crippling debt. That’s when we knew we would have to remortgage the house’.
It is estimated that raising a child to 18 costs £150,000 with around £110,000 of that going on Sylvanian Families sets. A Deluxe Three Story Otter’s Town House will set parents back in the region of £100k. This is a large outlay for a single item, especially when you consider Otters don’t need a house, so you are roped into also buying a Canal Boat for their added comfort which they also don’t need because they are inanimate objects.
Seven year old Ava has a level headed approach to the situation: ‘Sylvanian Families were ok but I’m nearly eight now, so to be honest, I think Sylvanian Families are a bit babyish for me. I’m going to start collecting rare, vintage Barbies instead. So I need to let Mum and Dad know they will need to put the car on eBay and sell my younger brother on the dark web’.
Categories: Fake News
Public raise government threat level to “Omni-cluster-shambles-fuck”. More soon
Categories: Fake News
Government to target victims of violent crime
Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to target victims of violent crime in an effort to make UK neighbourhoods a safer place to live. The government has said that victims of knife crime and gunshot wounds will be tagged once they are discharged from hospital and anyone who has suffered physical violence will be ordered to stay at home so that local police officers can monitor their location at all times. Victims of burglary will have their remaining possessions confiscated so that they cannot be burgled again and anyone involved in an alcohol-related crime will have their Nectar points taken away.
‘The easiest way to tackle crime is to take potential victims off the street’ said the PM ‘this means anyone walking the street is clearly up to no good…..whether they be a career criminal, an opportunist thief or a member of an organised crime gang…they will be easier to identify by their freedom to come and go as they please. We are aiming for a 100% anti-victim tolerance levels….no victim of crime will be safe on our streets.’
Drug dealers will be forced to make home deliveries, making it easier for police to identify and prosecute drug users. Social behaviour will not be tolerated. All future bus shelters would come pre-vandalised, councils would be asked to scatter used syringes and broken glass around playgrounds to deter kiddies from playing on the swings and any remaining youth club would be forced to close although this last initiative has probably already happened.
Victims of on-line fraud and confidence tricksters would also be targeted by new legislation now going through parliament with some having their computers and mobile phones confiscated so that it could not happen again.
However, the PM was quick to assure close friends and family that the awarding of eye-watering contracts for doing nothing in return would largely be unaffected as it was not actually a crime.
‘Schoolchildren are particularly vulnerable to criminal activity and bullying on their way to school every day. So the answer to that particular problem is obvious……..I don’t think I need explain it to you do I?
I have already notified our developer friends in the building industry about what will happen next.
They have already donated millions to party coffers and we haven’t even closed our first playgroup yet’.
Categories: Fake News
School to start selling random shit in retaliation for Aldi selling uniforms
A school is to start selling the weird, random shit that’s usually found in Aldi’s middle aisle in retaliation for the German supermarket giant’s decision to sell cut-pice uniforms.
From the beginning of next term, Rick Wakeman Academy in Romford will start selling hundreds of products – including mineral polishing kits, Bluetooth fax machines and gazebos – from their tuck shop.
“Woolworths, BHS and Blockbuster Video all tried to sell uniforms on my patch and look what happened to them. If Aldi wants a turf war, they’ve got one” said headmaster Nev Burke.
“Originally, I was going to sue them or, at the very least, take them on Judge Rinder”.
“However, although the jumpers and blazers Aldi are selling are almost identical to the academy’s, there’s no copyright infringement because they replaced the school badge with an embroidery of Cuthbert the Caterpillar. Bastards”.
Mr Burke added that he also intends to launch a loyalty scheme to encourage parents to continue to buy uniforms directly from the school. Perks of the scheme will include early access to exam questions, a meet-and-greet with the lollipop man and complimentary airbrushing of school photos.
Categories: Fake News
Crimestoppers hit by gobstoppers
Crimestoppers’ campaign to attract younger informants by offering free gobstoppers has ‘bockfried’ according to its CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Wore delsuhed wish gogshoppers an ish haulding bock our walk,’ he commented. ‘The pobom is theshe kids ahre phobing in to roport crimesh boct thore onintelligible ccosh they have got mauves foll of gogshockers we our shelves has hambid oup.’
It’s understood that Mr Smythe and his team have tried to diminish their pile of donated gobstoppers held at Crimestoppers HQ with a concentrated sucking campaign, which has led to call centre workers and those that call them having conversations neither can understand.
Mr Smythe said: ‘This hash memp a pershect shtorn, cobbubications wives, wiv urshent crimesh mishreforted.’ The problem has been compounded by the fact that the 480 kilos of gobstoppers that Crimestoppers thought were a charitable donation were actually stolen with, say Crimestoppers, ‘the intention of pervorting the cosh of juss pish’. This has led to the organisation launching a nationwide helpline to catch the confectionery thieves. Mr Smythe said ‘anygun wish informashoh shoub call ush om: oh aitch humbled aitch fibe nibe five. I’ll repeach that oh aitch humbled aitch fye nibe fibe’.
Categories: Fake News
May completes Brexit deal by agreeing to stay in EU
Prime Minister Theresa May has successfully concluded Brexit negotiations on the first day that she took over them – but accidentally committed to remaining in the EU. ‘At first we were all slightly confused because she just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘red, white and blue Brexit’ and ‘strong and stable’ at us,’ said Michel Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiating officer. ‘But eventually we had a rigorous debate. She was as tough with us as she is at Prime Minister’s Question Time – so it was quite easy.’
Hours went by and the deal while the deal was thrashed out behind closed doors. Recently appointed – and even more recently deputised – Brexit secretary Dominic Rabb said the negotiations were ‘fierce’ before adding: ‘Well, they sounded like it through the keyhole I was listening at. But I didn’t like to pry too much because Mrs May said it wasn’t any of my business.’
After just three hours Barnier and a confused looking May appeared before the press to announce the details of the deal. ‘We spent the last few hours listening to Mrs May’s demands and looking at the Chequers White Paper,” Barnier said. “We still have no idea of what her Government wants. There seemed to be no common ground and then we had a breakthrough and found areas we agreed upon, which was to piss Boris off.’
‘We laughed a lot, far more than we ever did with David Davies,’ Barnier continued. ‘Mrs May was willing to make quite a few concessions to get at Boris. She conceded on the issue of blue passports, the need to leave the EU and the future of her political career.’ May was led away whilst mumbling ‘Brexit means Boris’. Meanwhile, Home Secretary Sajid Javid said the deal meant the UK would not object if the EU wanted to bring the death penalty for Nigel Farage.
Categories: Fake News
